Special thanks to Gary Bettman for letting the guys out of the Quiet Room long enough for us to snap this pic. Enlarge. (Photo illustration by Ian Oland)

The stars of the All-Star Game were a little less bright this year. Some of the familiar faces that fans expect were absent for reasons that are becoming all too familiar in the modern NHL: head injury. Approximately 85 head injuries have been reported this year, meaning that nearly ten percent of all active players have been injured. 28 of 30 teams have reported at least one head injury, while some franchises have dealt with as many six or seven. With star center Nicklas Backstrom now sitting out due to concussion, the issue has hit close to home for Caps fans.

While Brendan Shanhan has doled out 26 regular-season suspensions — which some think have gone too far, hits targeting of the head continue. The face of the NHL, Sidney Crosby, lasted just nine games in his latest comeback before being sidelined yet again with post-concussion syndrome. His return to the ice and excellence is still uncertain.

Even worse, a season after seeing three of its enforcers die in one summer, the NHL faces mounting questions about player safety. Some players, celebrated for their toughness, bristle at league mandates regarding concussions.

One such example came on December 17th, when the Toronto Maple Leafs’ Colby Armstrong suffered a concussion after colliding with Vancouver’s Ryan Kesler. However, Armstrong did not report the concussion, choosing instead to hide his condition from trainers, who discovered it only when they found Armstrong vomiting in the locker room. While no one would question Armstrong’s toughness and grit, this is the last place that an NHL player should be expected to show his bravery.

Below the jump, we’ve chosen to highlight 12 All-Star caliber players — six each for the Eastern and Western Conferences — who’ve struggled with head injury this year. We hope that this brings attention to concussions in sports and specifically in hockey, where the problem has grown too big to be ignored.

Western Conference Head Injury Starters

Mike Richards, Los Angeles Kings

Story: Mike Richards took a Sean Bergenheim shoulder to the head on December 1st. He went to IR on the following day and missed eight games with a head injury. Bergenheim did not receive any supplemental discipline.

Penalties on the play:

LAK Mike Richards: 2 Minutes for Slashing (Served by Trent Hunter)
LAK Mike Richards: 2 Minutes for Roughing (Served by Trent Hunter)
FLA Sean Bergenheim: 2 Minutes for Roughing
LAK Jarret Stoll: 2 Minutes for Roughing

Richards told LA Times that it was not for the first time he’s suffered a concussion:

“I’ve been injured like this before,” he said. “Like I said, it’s just time. It’s nothing you can rush. It’s a hurry-up-and-wait sort of thing.” [...] “Obviously it’s something that you’re used to playing every day,” he said. “And going out there and having fun. It’s just not the same. You’re not with the guys in the dressing room. You always feel like you could be doing more.”

Anze Kopitar, Los Angeles Kings

Story: One of three Kings’ star forwards to suffer concussions this season, Kopitar was injured on a hard hit by Dallas Stars power forward Brenden Morrow behind Dallas’ net. Kopitar left the game for precautionary reasons, but thankfully for Kings fans, did not miss a single game afterward.

Penalties on the play:

LAK Mike Richards: 10 Minute Game Misconduct
LAK Mike Richards: 2 Minutes for Instigator – Face Shield (Served by Trent Hunter)
LAK Mike Richards: 2 Minutes for Unsportsmanlike Conduct (Served by Trent Hunter)
DAL Brenden Morrow: 5 Minute Major for Fighting
LAK Mike Richards: 5 Minute Major for Fighting

A day after the hit, Kopitar described his condition to Rich Hammond of LA Kings Insider:

“Feeling good. Nothing special to say, really. It was just precautionary reasons last night. I’m sure you guys know, even better than I do, what it takes after you get hit like that, what you’ve got to do (with) the quiet room and stuff. But I’m feeling good this morning, and that’s about it.’’

Taylor Hall, Edmonton Oilers

Story: Taylor Hall took a Corey Potter skate to the face in warm-ups before a game against the Blue Jackets, and it didn’t look pretty. Hall only missed two games – one against the Blue Jackets and the next against the St. Louis Blues.

Hall talked about the injury with the Edmonton Journal’s Joanne Ireland:

“I looked a lot better before, but what can you do?” Hall said on Thursday. “You can say that I’m lucky I didn’t get my eye taken out or that I didn’t get my throat sliced. Or, I’m just unlucky because something like his has never happened in the history of the sport with how many guys who have not worn a helmet in warm-up.”

Shea Weber, Nashville Predators

Story: Shea Weber, the Nashville Predators hard-shooting All-Star defenseman, took a forearm to the head from the Dallas Stars’ Mark Fistric and missed four games with “concussion-like symptoms.” No penalties were called on the play, nor did Brendan Shanahan suspend Fistric, who had already been suspended that month for an illegal hit on Islanders forward Nino Niederreiter. The hit on Neiderreiter also resulted in a concussion.

Shea Weber also sometimes drops the gloves. Fox Sports Tennessee’s John Manasso wrote an interesting article on why he shouldn’t:

It’s understandable that you don’t want your opponents to know that you won’t fight. Keep the secret to yourself. You don’t have to disavow fighting publicly. Just don’t fight. You have too much to risk and too little to gain.

Sami Salo, Vancouver Canucks

Story: In one of the most controversial hits this season, Brad Marchand caught Sami Salo with what seemed to be a borderline hit somewhere between a hip check and a clip. This earned Marchand a lengthy suspension from Brendan Shanahan, missing five games; Salo is yet to return.

Penalties:
BOS Brad Marchand: 5 Minute Major for Clipping (Served by Shawn Thornton)
BOS Brad Marchand: 10 Minute Game Misconduct

Salo told Vancouver Sun what he thinks about the hit:

“I’m lucky I didn’t break my neck,” Salo said Friday, answering questions for the first time since landing heavily on the back of his head and neck when upended by Marchand during the Canucks’ 4-3 win in Boston two weeks ago. “You can’t play the game thinking about what other guys might do. You can’t play the game… thinking this guy might elbow me or something.

Josh Harding, Minnesota Wild

Photos by PointNShoot

Story: Minnesota goaltender Josh Harding was accidentally elbowed in the head by his teammate, Nick Schultz, while battling with the Sharks’ Joe Pavelski in front of the net. The elbow left Harding with a concussion. He became the fourth Wild player to suffer from a concussion this season joining Guillaume Latendresse, Marek Zidlicky, and Pierre-Marc Bouchard on the sidelines.

Western Conference Honorable Mention

Forwards: Alex Tanguay, Simon Gagne, R.J. Umberger, Ryane Clowe, Alex Steen, Andy McDonald, Mike Fisher. Defensemen: Brent Seabrook, Ian White, Radek Martinek, Michal Roszival, Carlo Colaiacovo. Goalie: Steve Mason.

Eastern Conference Head Injury Starters

Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins

Story: You’re probably already sick of reading about Crosby’s collision with then-Capital David Steckel and hit by Lightning d-man Victor Hedman, so we won’t elaborate on it. Sid’s comeback from those two hits lasted all of nine games. In the last game he played, he collided with the Bruins’ David Krejci and that is believed to be a reason of his latest concussion. He also collided with teammate Chris Kunitz, which as the National Post so elegantly said, “finished him.” It was revealed during All-Star Weekend that Crosby suffered a broken neck as well.

Claude Giroux, Philadelphia Flyers

Story: Another friendly-fire incident that resulted in injury, Giroux was accidentally kneed by teammate Wayne Simmonds, who tried to jump over the fallen Giroux. Giroux missed only four games and at first it looked like he never missed a beat, recording a four-point performance in the very first game back, but then…

PhillyBurbs.com sums it up best:

The conspiracy theory is that the concussion he suffered back on Dec. 10 against Tampa Bay (in a collision with teammate Wayne Simmonds) hasn’t completely healed yet and that there might be some residual effects.

Giroux did return after missing four games and put together a four-point night at Dallas on Dec. 21. But in the 13 games since then, just one goal (in the Jan. 2 Winter Classic) and eight assists.

Nicklas Backstrom, Washington Capitals

Story: The Washington Capitals first-half MVP, Nicklas Backstrom, was elbowed by Rene Bourque, who was later suspended five games by Shanahan for the incident (and beaten up by us video-game style). Backstrom has no timetable for a return, and the Capitals’ success and overall mobility has declined with him out of the lineup. The Caps with and without Backstrom are two entirely different teams. Backstrom’s health will likely influence George McPhee’s trade strategy come the deadline.

Chris Pronger, Philadelphia Flyers

Story: One of the scariest injuries in awhile, because of its seriousness and because of its effect on a player who has been a measuring stick for toughness. Chris Pronger was hit high by an errant Mikhail Grabovski stick. Right away, the injury didn’t look good with concerns mostly focused on damage to his sight. However, Pronger returned from what was called an “eye injury” and played six games. After that, he had a knee injury that required surgery, and it was only at this time that the Flyers organization revealed that he was suffering from post-concussion syndrome, and would likely be out for the rest of the season.

The Flyers’ captain told NHL.com:

“I just didn’t feel well, I didn’t know what it was,” Pronger said that day. “I never felt like that before with headaches and nausea, and that stuff. I had a concussion baseline test and passed that … I got lightheaded, had headaches, you’re nauseous.”

Pronger’s wife Lauren also offered her perspective on the injury:

“It’s a tough go at home,” she said. “We’re going day-to-day right now — good days, bad days. It’s been a lot of trauma going on. We’re just praying right now. He’s battling. He wants to be out there more than anybody. It’s tough for all of us to watch him go through this.”

Kris Letang, Pittsburgh Penguins

Story: Kris Letang was injured in the third period of a Canadiens – Penguins game on November 25. He returned in that game and scored the OT game-winner, but missed 21 games afterwards. Though there was no penalty call on the play, Pacioretty was suspended three games by the Department of Player Safety.

Sidney Crosby gave Letang advice before he returned to the ice. Letang told the media:

“Pay attention to how your body reacts out there and make sure I’m 100 percent ready, not taking any chances because you need your head for the rest of your life. It was a question of feeling good and being confident that I can do the job out there.”

Ryan Miller, Buffalo Sabres

Story: Ryan Miller was hit by Milan Lucic in a race for the puck. Lucic was not suspended for the hit and only got two minutes of penalty time for charging. Later this season, Jordin Tootoo collided with Miller and was suspended for two games. The concussion Miller sustained after the Lucic hit was his second in a year.

Miller told Yahoo! Sports what it felt like to have a concussion:

“My issue every time has been, it affects your focus and concentration,” Miller said. “You feel like you have ADD. You feel like you have extreme ADD when you have the headaches and you have the uncomfortable ‘off’ feeling. I mean, I think history can kind of show I’m a very intense, focused person, and when I can’t even get through a 10-, 15-minute task at home, which I can usually sit down and do, something’s wrong.”

Eastern Conference Honorable Mention

Forwards: Jeff Skinner, Martin St. Louis, Daniel Alfredsson, Milan Michalek, Danny Briere, Evander Kane. Defensemen: Zbynek Michalek, Joni Pitkanen, Marс Staal, John-Michael Liles, Victor Hedman. Goalies: James Reimer, Al Montoya, Rick DiPietro.

Layout, graphics, and introduction by Ian Oland.
Additional reporting by Ana Hansen.

It’s time for your Puck Buddys pregame! Follow @PuckBuddys and adopt a dog.

The Pregame: Cartoonist Bill Griffith, who just this week turned 68, sees the overlooked and forgotten corners of America with blinding precision. We were reminded of this recently as we took a drive through portions of Pennsyltucky – clearly where the phrase “fat of the land” has great meaning – and its meth-addled capital, Pittsburgh. Or, borrowing from Zippy’s creator, Dingburg.

Previously we anointed Pittsburgh as the Epicenter of Suck. Following our travels, we can confidently proclaim that it has become, in fact, the Pinhead Center of the Universe. The gangrenous, foul-smelling trash pile of contemporary civilization. The trucker-stop, Thunderbird-guzzling, used baby diaper of cities. Imagine if Paul Verhoeven remade “Showgirls” today with the same cast and you’ve got Pittsburgh, only with less sexy and more elastic waistbands. It’s exactly that awful.

[Ed. Note. By Rachel Cohen: Sidney Crosby as sparkly vampire Edward Cullen from the Twilight movie series, which Ian has totally seen. Click to embiggen.]

Which led us to a game, mostly to keep our tenuous grip on reality while speeding away: what would you rename Pittsburgh, if you could? Crapburg. Herpesburg. Fraudburg. (We already know former Coach Gabby’s choice.) To wit, we announce a new contest: #renamePittsburgh. Best answer in the next 24 hours, as determined by someone, will get a drink on the PuckBuddys’ dime. Or, if you prefer, we’ll go bother someone else. (Haha, it doesn’t matter as we’re going to stiff RMNB with the bill!)

Fun and games aside, it’s nearly time for

The Puck Drop

Why does that phrase – the puck drop – feel like the plopping of cyanide pellets into sulfuric acid these days? Oh that’s right, two shutouts in the last three games. (Well, I guess the Habs were a shutout, too – a good one – so that’s 3 for 3.) The Caps’ play in Raleigh was sloppy at best, and downright amateur at moments (we’ll get to the good stuff in a minute.) This while the Pens, frankly not playing that much better and hobbled of late, were still able to dash out a 5-4 OT victory with a Malkin zapper. Several Malkin zappers, actually. It just needs to be said: F you, Geno. #Goonburg.

What Makes Them Hot and Not

Dan Bylsma

1: Heal! Whatever snake handler or psychic surgeon Coach Douche-hat has been bringing in lately, I say sign that puppy up! Letang, Neal, Martin, Adams, Jeffrey; holy cow, what sort of magic pellets are they feeding them up there in Fat Town? Sure, Crosby’s heading to a chiropractic neurologist (i.e., snake handler with a degree) to help him get his head back tight, and model-boy Jordan “Jordache” Staal remains benched, too; as might Arron Asham, who, frankly, could sit on his ass until the sun refuses to shine and we still wouldn’t be happy. (And as evidenced by the recall of Jason Williams from Wilkes-Barres/Scranton (23 points with WBS), they’re not coming back soon.) So: hot and not. #Ashholeburg.

2: Tang! But it doesn’t really matter, does it, the way some of these guys are playing? Evgeny Malkin (25G/30A, plus-9) is playing in demigod tier, and Dustin Jeffrey (2G/1A in just 12 games) was on fire playing the Habs Friday, with Drag-Name-Worthy Deryk Engelland, U.P. strapling Tyler Kennedy and the ever-infuriating Kris Letang (4G/18A, plus-9) not far off. In fact, collectively they remind us a bit of that powdery sugar-slush “Tang!” that astronauts used to drink before they started wearing Depends or whatever. Each year you’d think it would go out of business, and each year, there it would be again, looking and tasting all wrong but somehow working. Together the Tang boys have snapped the Pens out of their slide. #Fakeburg.

3: Who Needs Fake When You Got Fresh Squeezed? And whoopie-doo, breaking news, the Pens have some players who know how to find the twine. Did you also hear: there’s this thing called Limewire, and you can download all kinds of stuff there? Kyool, huh? Ugh, we go through this every time. In fact, #BarfBurg puts us through this every game, and the result – judging by a good statistical sampling – remains the same. This is a moment that calls out the best – and the beast – in the Capitals. Here’s who’s genuinely hot: Tomáš Vokoun, Troy Brouwer, Marcus Johansson, Mathieu Perrault (who needs an easier name to spell,) wee Dmitry Orlov…shall I keep going? Wideman, Semin, Halpy, Ward and some fella named Ovechkin. True, Brooksie and Knooooobs have been just cheated recently; but these are exactly the guys who define how deep this team can dig when called on. No Tang! here – these guys are authentic.

Prediction

We have several. First: at least one person will acquire a venereal disease while at CONSOL. Two: the NBC announcing team will dive nose-first into the #Dipsburg tank and moan and cry about how lame the Capitals are compared to the fierce braze knights and firm buttocks of the Penguins. And C: the Washington Capitals will defeat the Pittsburgh Penguins in their home barn.

Meme of the Day:

Heeeeeere’s Doug Johnson of PuckBuddys fame. Tweet his face.

The Pre-Game: I think it was Benjamin Disraeli who said “Sometimes cities just suck.” Or maybe it was Don Rickles. We’re getting our historical figures mixed up.

Look, there’s nothing that stinks about San Diego, the actual place. It’s lovely. Or Phoenix, for that matter, if it weren’t for all the whack-a-doodles. Vancouver: now there’s a dandy city for you! If you can just get over all the residents piously reminding you just precisely how dandy it is.

On the other end, there are places like Mogadishu, a city that, I can comfortably assure you, sucks. Or vacation paradise Pripyat!  – home to the entombed Chernobyl perpetual light bulb. Pyongyang. Philadelphia.

Then we come to the middle ground: decent places inhabited by truly awful organizations. Pittsburgh comes to mind. Hoorah, it’s beautiful and their food isn’t too toxic and the local rumor is that there’s even a museum or something. But it’s also home to the rat burrow of unctuous fink Richard Mellon Scaife and his poisonous heirs, and the ‘Terrible Towel’, which we rank as only just below Scaife as scabes-inducing. The Pittsburgh Penguins… and Dan Bylsma. Think about that for a moment: both the Penguins AND Bylsma (and his douche-hat) compressed into one geographic point. That single distinction alone  is enough to push Pittsburgh to new title holder: Epicenter of Suck.

The Puck Drop

Every game matters. Pens games matter more. This game matters very much more.

Unless you’re living in a cave on Mars with your fingers in your ears, or are Alex Ovechkin,you understand that the swap of Coach Mustard for Coach Hunter has scrambled the Capitals squad at an inopportune time. Yes, everyone wants to be on their best behavior for the new teacher (was that a goal, Nicky?), and no, everyone clearly still does not understand what their role is on the ice (*coughWidemancough*), and whoops!, now all of a sudden players are actually expected to perform or else. (Don’t ask who or what.)

But this is not the time for scrambling. It is the time for righteous beatdowns of those self-entitled prigs in Pittsburgh. But are we ready? Ugh, I cannot believe I have to write this next section.

What Makes them Hot

Jordan Staal

1: Don’t Make Me Do This: A bunch of stuff. Players, mostly. Jordan Staal (12G 6A, plus-4), hatched somewhere in Canada, continues to prove the cynical criminality of the Staal breeding experiment. Shut out against the Rangers, and a little dry of late, he’s still a damn hard skater, one who rarely gives up and is quick to take advantage of weak defense (ruh-roh.) James Neal (14G 11A, minus-1) and vampire Kris Letang (3G 16A, plus-5) are also showing their mettle. We say vampire given Letang’s punishment from the Habs’ Max Pacioretty last Saturday, only to rise from the dead to score the GWG. Vampire or zombie? Let’s let his hair be the judge. Add to that Pascal Dupuis, Tyler Kennedy and a raft of other flightless birds that are just messing things up. They clearly command play in their zone and at the other end of the blue line, which gives us pause.

Nobody in particular

2: Really! I Can’t Do This!  Self-appointed Captain of the whiners, Sidney Crosby, is once more up to his soulless robotic ways. Scoring, hitting, scoring, smiling vacantly for the cameras. There is not enough room in Heaven or on this Earth to heap enough scorn on Sidney Crosby and his media-whoring ways. Unfortunately, on this plane of existence we need to contain him on the ice.

Hero-coach Hunter squired squads against Crosby in the early days, meaning a few years ago. “We had to put a checking line against him and pay special attention – he still scored points and goals — we limited him, anyways,” Hunter said this week.

Solution? Remember what teams did two years ago once they had to face the Ovech-ka-juggarnaut? They swarmed and gobbled him up. Gobble up Sidney Crosby this Thursday, Capitals. Unwrap him, devour him, and throw what’s left into an acid bath.

Dan Bylsma

3: For the Love of God, Please Stop! No! There is no amount of torture that will force me to admit that Dan Bylsma is a decent coach. I mean: hardly a decent human being. Like Coach Boudreau said a while back, can you really imagine Coach Douche-Hat “playing” with anyone, let alone his offspring, during the holidays? Nice staged photo op, jerk. How about you use everyone else in your life as a prop for your own mealy-mouthed self-aggrandizement? Oh wait! You’re doing the Movember thing? Really? Moustaches around the nation have done great work for raising money. But no moustache has spoken truer than that spiral cut ham rotting on Bylsma’s lip. Quoting: “Dan Bylsma’s moustache to world: ‘I hate you, and am cutting myself off from all human contact.’”

Yet he keeps winning, and keeping his stars in check. Why is there no moustache justice in this world?

What Makes Them Not

1: We Got a Warning Light. The Fetid Stink Birds have allowed only 63 goals this season, compared with our 75. Their win percentage is better, their players are performing while ours are floundering. So what’ the ‘Not’ here?

Crosby @ MSG (Photo: Reuters)

Let the H8trs rip me up, but I’m not convinced Pittsburgh is much more than a well-oiled one-trick machine. There’s no juggling like we’ve had, or locker-room turmoil (that we know of), or serious disruptions. But they’re still only a few games ahead of the Caps. This isn’t whistling past the graveyard, but acknowledgment of a truth that seems to have gotten lost lately: the Caps, almost entirely from head to tail, are the best NHL collection of talent in the last decade. Maybe not this game, or the next, but quality is going to start to shine through. As we’ve seen before, the Penguins will rise, then fall, then settle into meh; I believe they’re already showing signs of this now by their play. If I were a bookie in Vegas, I would see the warning light flashing from Pittsburgh, and adjust accordingly.

2: We Got a Red Alert. Think back to the days when the Caps would ‘get up’ for the big game. OK…I’ll give you a moment.

There! Got it? When they played like the Caps of 2009? When everyone on the bench would perform, swarming in the Dzone, crashing the net in theirs? Good…hold that image in your mind. With the exception of the newish Caps (and not all of them, as we think Halpy has been up and on his toes from the very start), our team remembers that, too. That’s the image they’re holding in their minds. That’s the visualization of performance they’re seeing and reliving.

James Neal

There’s no game bigger than this, and they know it’s happening in front of their loyal hometown. There’s no need to spur us – the team or the fans – to Unleash the Fury this game, as it begins fury unleashed, and only gets uglier from there. Red Rally Balloon? Rock the Red? It’s a Red Town Thursday, and we’re here to eat Pittsburgh’s lunch and steal their cookie.

3: We Got a Time Bomb Ticking. Dumptruck Arron Asham decided to give our Jay Beagle a pounding he wouldn’t forget. Or would, apparently if Asham had his way. As in: men with concussions don’t really remember what happened to them in the first place. In our book Arron Asham is no better than a drunk driver. No, he’s worse, actually: someone supposedly in control of his facilities (or what passes for them) who intentionally chooses to send a man to the hospital with a swollen brain injury. Nice going, Asham.

Beagle may not remember, but we do. Asham: you are a horrible human. We are watching you. There’s a timebomb ticking… and you’re not going to like it when it goes off.

The OT Shoot Out: Of all things that gave us heart this week, it was GMGM’s quick dismissal of Swedish star Mattias Sjögren. Apparently unsatisfied with Hershy Bear’s play, he sulked back to Sverige this week, fuming that he wasn’t getting enough NHL play. McPhee’s response: in a word, go. If you’re quitting on us, go. Begone. Away with you.

This, even more than Boudreau’s dismissal, has given us heart that the head office is in this to win it.

The games begin Thursday at Verizon. Come be with us to cheer on the Caps.

And remember, Pittsburgh:tick-tick-tick-tick…

Editor’s note: Download and print out some DALE signs. Like a billion of em. Make it rain like Newsies.

A time machine.

Doug Johnson of Puck Buddys writes for Russian Machine. Tweet at them anon.

We had too much to dream last night. Blame the cough syrup. Either that or this stuff really did happen. We’ve got dazed and confused recollections of hotwiring a hockey time machine, tripping back to the past and then ahead to the future.  We saw Gordie Howe play (when men were men), Steve Yzerman (when he was hot), and the Great One (when mullets were cool).  We took in a few Penguins games of yore (when a young Sidney Crosby taught us all how to laugh) and even dialed it back further to when Bruce Boudreau was slim …mer. Go Fort Wayne Komets!

Before dropping the contraption back off back at RMNBHQ (with a full tank), we bounced ahead to Friday morning to see how tomorrow’s game against the Pens turned out.  So this is in effect a pre-review, we promise only a few spoilers. If Thursday’s game doesn’t go as we witnessed it, that’s because Chris has been screwing with the space-time continuum-thingie again. Ugh, kids.

Friday morning, 8am. Despite the drizzle, we’re feeling happy. Another Caps win, another game with too much drama, but hey, a win’s a win. Right from the get-go, Coach Douche-hat, AKA Dan Bylsma, pushed his squad hard– getting over their tarring by the Edminton Oilers the other night and sustaining the intensity of their 4-2 win over the Panthers. They were a little full of themselves after beating down the Cats without their star players of Malkin and Crosby. Bylsma is reaching deep to get a robust squad on the ice– Sidney is still sporting his “Please Don’t Hit Me” pin (pissing off Jeremy Roenick), and Geno remained sidelined with “soreness,” whatever that is. What is it exactly with Eastern Europeans and their sensitive groins? Nevermind. We thought we shipped our groin problems to the Avs. Regardless, the Pens fire well even when without their top-shelf talent.

Kris Letang

There were a number of standouts, though.  Among them were 6-foot-nothing defenseman Kris Letang, too hot for hockey by half, and clearly hot on the ice of late. The Montreal native was young enough (25) and skilled enough to challenge our boys. “Lefang” has also spent his entire NHL career as a Penguin… which sorta explains our abject dislike for him. Also on defense were chief Pens Pests, Brooks Orpik and Matt Niskanen. Orpik continues to be irritating, and Niskanen was every bit deserving of the few attending Caps fans chanting, “F— you, Matt.” [Ed. Note: Get well soon, Geno. But F-- you still.]

Tyler Kennedy

On offense (as if everything about this team isn’t already offensive) we zeroed in on three players: Chris Kunitz (21 points in Scrabble), James Neal, and Tyler Kennedy.  None are really considered major stand-outs, but all have proven up to the task of filling in while the top-dollar skaters are recuperating.  If we have one message from the future, it would be this: watch out for Kunitz, Neal, and Kennedy.  Which sounds like the ambulance-chasing law firm that Bill Shatner pimps during “Judge Judy.”

Jordan Staal

Which brings us to some Pens we like the least: Jordan Staal and Matt Cooke. Staal is just one of the many bunnies produced at Canada’s fertile Staal Farms, but somehow the most annoying of the bunch. He proved as dangerous to the Caps as litter-mate Eric proved a few nights back. Or was it Eric last night and Jordan earlier? Who can tell – they all look the same: twitchy, blonde, and pink, beady rabbit eyes. 23 and sporting the “A”, the 220-lbs Staal showed his worth against the Flames, the Panthers, and again against the Caps. Whatever type of Bunny Chow they’re feeding them up in Thunder Bay, we want in on that trough.

Beyond Staal is Irritant #1: Matt Cooke. If Iran wanted to hire a hitman to ice that Saudi diplo dude, why not contract with Matt Cooke? The Pens felon has so far evaded Shanahan’s wrath this season, so giving him a kill team gig makes complete sense. On any given night, Cooke makes Slasha Sasha look like a demure choirboy. On Thursday, Matt dished out low blows and high hits like Don Cherry serves up incoherent ramblings. Unfortunately, Cookie the Anger Penguin also dishes out the puck to the twine, leading to drama.

In the end, our boys rose to the Penguin challenge and Thursday night looked like playoff hockey (not typical Caps playoff, you know; the good kind. The kind that makes us happy, not catatonic). The bigger problem is what happens when Crosby and Malkin return, quite possibly in time for the next match up at the Booth on December 1. But the future is the future, the past is slightly messed up, and we’ve got other fish thugs to fry before then– like the Flyers, just one week away.

Is it October yet? Holy crap, yes it is. And like Dippin’ Dots, we swearing off cough syrup forever.

Ovi swings with the knob of his stick during the Breakaway Challenge. (Photo credit: Kevin C. Cox)

Alex Ovechkin won his third straight Breakaway Challenge title tonight at the 2010-11 NHL SuperSkills Competition. How did he win it? With an unbelievable series of moves in his second and fourth attempts. In his second breakaway, Ovechkin smoothly juggled the puck in mid-air from center ice. He then knocked the puck up high up to himself, switched the position of his twig, and then swung with butt end of his stick. In his fourth and final attempt, Ovi dribbled the puck down the ice with the knob of his stick, went to his knees, got back up, and then went backhand on Marc-Andre Fleury. After he scored, Ovi sheathed his stick Chi Chi Rodriquez style as players from both benches laughed and banged their sticks against the ice. Ovechkin had a giant smile on his face the entire time.

When asked about his moves, Ovechkin replied, “I’m so excited right now, I can’t remember.” Fair enough.

Ovi and Green’s Team Staal defeated Team Lidstrom tonight 33 to 22. Below the jump, we have video of Ovechkin’s breakaway attempts and the other most noteable Capital moments of the night.

Video: Alex Ovechkin in the Breakaway Challenge

In the fastest skater competition, Mike Green lost to Steven Stamkos by a half a second. It wasn’t really all that close, especially when you examine the video below. Though that 25 second delay must have made it really hard for Green to get a good jump. The Islanders’ Michael Grabner won the event.

Video: Green vs. Stamkos in Fastest Skater Competition

Alex Ovechkin had a heckuva time during the hardest shot competition. On his first attempt, he shot the puck 98.2 MPH and then Ovechfailed. Ovi somehow didn’t see a wire on the side of the ice, tripped, and then swam to center ice laughing hysterically. It was probably my favorite moment of the night, besides the Goalie race between Tim Thomas and Cam Ward where the Boston goaltender face-planted as he went around the net.

Video: Ovi trips over a wire and swims to center ice

But the klutziness wasn’t over yet. On Ovechkin’s second attempt, he broke his stick in half. He still managed to register his shot at 48.3 MPH. Though was that the puck or the blade of his stick?

Video: Ovi breaks his stick on his second attempt

The rules deemed that Ovechkin got to get another go at it, so he skated over to the bench and Pens-emy Kris Letang donated his twig to use. On Ovi’s third attempt, the shot didn’t register. On Ovi’s fourth attempt, the same thing happened. Did the Russian Machine break the radar gun? With his arms extended in frustration, NHL officials scurried over and tried desperately to fix the gun. Ovechkin got a huge applause from the crowd during the delay and then got one more attempt. His fifth shot finally got recorded and was clocked at 97.2 MPH. It was quite an impressive display considering he wasn’t even using his own stick or blade. Plus, he had to shoot so many times in a row. That had to be very tiring. Full video of his comedy of errors can be found here. Anyways, Zdeno Chara went on to win the event by breaking his own record at 105.9 MPH.

What a night!

Photos (Click to enlarge)

MG52 and Ovi in the lockerroom. How did Ovi get placed beside P.K. Subban? (Photo credit: AJ Messier)

Alex Ovechkin is introduced to crowd. (Photo credit: Bruce Bennett)

Epic. (Photo credit: Harry How)

Ovechkin goes to one knee to on his fourth attempt. (Photo credit: Harry How)

Fluery bellyflops. (Photo credit: Kevin C. Cox)

And Ovechkin scoars. (Photo credit: Harry How)

Staal appreciates Ovechkin’s moves. (Photo credit: Kevin C. Cox)

Ovi’s twig snaps in half. (Photo credit: Kevin C. Cox)

NOW I BREAK MACHINE? GIMME BREAK!! (Photo credit: Harry How)

The last time Ovi saw cords like this, Varly was pulling him up to the ceiling. (Photo credit: Harry How)