Down on the Hershey front, Kathryn spoke with goaltender Jared DeMichiel who picked up his first career AHL win last Friday. Head over to SHOE and give it a read!

Now, let’s do the Machinist!

Most Popular Posts of the Week:

1. Our Readers’ Valentines For Their Favorite Capitals Players
   Ian had the enlightened idea to have our readers submit Valentines’ cards for their favorite Caps player. Since you guys are awesome, this happened.
2. Alex Semin: Bettman Has Never Been to Siberia!
   Igor translates what Sasha Minor had to say to Pavel Lysenkov of SovSport.
3. Is Alex Ovechkin’s Contract A Good Deal?
   Neil finds out the answer once and for all. His verdict: Yes… and no.

Posts You Might Have Missed:

1. Second-Line Centers and Unicorns
   Neil doesn’t believe in Marty Reasoners. Wait, huh? Looks like I might have gotten lost somewhere.
2. Feed The Machine: Should The Caps Trade For Stephen Weiss?
   Mr. Greenberg followed up on the post above after some of you asked: “Hey, what about Stephen Weiss?”.
3. Video: Children With Disabilities Skate With Caps After Practice
   Bravo, Caps!
4. Video: CRL Goes Behind The Scenes of Ovechtrick Commercial
   Did someone say Ovechtrick? ::starts writing new post::

Game Recaps:

• Well, That Went Well: Kings Drop Caps, 4-1
  Just over a minute into the contest, Alex Ovechkin ripped the Capitals only tally past Kings goaltender Jonathan Bernier. The goal came the moment I was settling in with my nachos at Verizon Center. Coincidence? I think not.
• Caps Fall to Coyotes, 3-2, on Valentine’s Day
  Before Ovechkin signed his endorsement deal with Gillette on December 8, the Russian Machine averaged over a point per game, tallying 12 goals and 23 assists in 29 games. Since then, he has nine goals, 12 assists in 28 games. The Capitals were 18-8-3 with a bearded Ovechkin but are significantly worse with the clean-shaven one at 11-10-7. Someone hide his razors!
• Alex Semin’s Fourth Hat-Trick Leads Caps Past Ducks, 7-6
  They gave Corey Perry the number one star of the game and not Semin? That’s like throwing a party for Al Gore after he lost the 2000 election. Nice try. Good effort. Decent creativity. But a loss is a loss.
• The Streak Continues: Sharks Bite Caps, 3-2
  It’s now been more than 17 years since the Capitals last won in San Jose. The last time Washington was victorious in the “Shark Tank”? October 30, 1993. The Sharks netminder for that game? Current Caps goalie coach Arturs Irbe.

What happened this week? Yeah, we picked up photog supreme, Chris “Caps Snaps” Gordon, but the real big news is our Facebook “LIKE” button! Russian Machine is slowly wrapping its greasy tentacles around every corner of your social media world.

It’s All-star weekend, baby, I’m about to have me some fun. Let’s do the Machinist.

Democratically Elected Posts for the Week

1. Should We Be Concerned About Brooks Laich?
   No. I saw Brooksy at Front Page a few weeks ago, and I think he had the French Dip. Rest easy, everyone.
2. Is $6.7M for Alex Semin a Good Deal?
   Neil uses Sasha’s projected performance to reach a verdict on GMGM’s latest purchase. 
3. Prospect Watch: Russians Win WJC, Eakin Gets Traded
   Fedor documents Cody Eakin’s super-duper trade and the Ruskies big win at WJC.

Insurgent Posts Demanding Your Attention

1. Matt Hendricks Brings Grit, Grime, Dekes to the Caps
   New RMNBer Chris Gordon talks to Hendy about how to be awesome.
2. Feed The Machine: Fashion, Penguins Fan Romance, and Holtby
   Neil talks to readers about the burning questions of the day. Also, gladiator movies.
3. Prospect Watch Extra: Caps Prospects Shine in 2011 WJC
   A collection of compelling media displaying the future Caps’ victories at junior champs.

Game Recaps

• Capitals 4, Maple Leafs 1 — of course, Ovechkin’s hat trick would come on the night I was at the Dismemberment Plan show.
• Rangers 2, Capitals 1 (SO) — Alex Ovechkin had an Alexander Semin-kind of game.
• Thrashers 1, Capitals 0 — Is anyone else sick of making every opposing goalie look like Patrick frakking Roy?

Have a great weekend, y’all!

219 people reached the site looking for Ovechtrick, and all of them were disappointed. 27 people were looking for Charissa Thompson, and I guess they took a wrong turn somewhere.

SHOE alert: Do yourself a favor and read Kathryn’s recap of Hershey’s shutout SHOOTOUT (my bad!) loss to Lake Erie. Kyle’s photo of Holtby pouting in the paint is priceless.

Now, let’s do the Machinist.

Posts That Have Already Infested Your Soul

1. The RMNB Alternative to NHL Guardian ‘The Capital’
   Bask in the glory of Rachel and Ian’s D.C.-themed superhero.
2. John Carlson’s 21st Birthday Party at RFD
   The beatdown Vancouver delivered sort of tainted JC74′s big day, but our grainy video and washed out photos captured people having fun anyway.
3. Not Another Goalie Post
   This dispatch in Greenberg’s series on Arturs Irbe’s mad experiment finds him jumping the fence over to #TeamVarly.

Posts That Want To Infest Your Soul Should You Allow It

1. Wisdom Beyond Their Years
   Okay, here’s the story behind this one. We’re waiting for Ian at Kettler, and Neil’s playing with his audio recorder. He says, “Hey, I’m gonna go interview all these kids and ask them what’s wrong the Caps.” The rest is history. And journalistic GOLD.
2. Last Goalie Post. Promise.
   Everyone’s got an opinion on Varly vs. Neuvy, but Neil drives the conversation with some truly brilliant statistical analysis and his best-in-the-business data set.

Game Recaps

• Canucks 4, Capitals 2 – [Ovechkin threw] up his hands up in effete tantrums whenever the referees didn’t provide the penalty whistles he demanded like a petulant child.
• Capitals 3, Senators 1 – You don’t need a flashy video package to unleash the fury, you just need BL21.
• Flyers 3, Capitals 2 (OT) – Braden Holtby’s beeper just went off.
• Capitals 2, Islanders 1 – RMNB wishes a speedy recovery to our beloved ginger weirdo.

We’re debuting a new column later, and your participation is mandatory. Have a good weekend.

Most Read Posts This Week

1. A Special Birthday Cake For John Carlson’s 21st
   After Nour’s success with the cake, expect to see a confectionary clustereff at RFD tonight.
2. Caps Care Casino Night, Year Two
   Emily dons a dress and hangs out with the boys for a good cause. Great photos, too.
3. Evgeny Kuznetsov: “Next Up is the Stanley Cup”
   Igor hooks us up with two interviews that reveal Kuz is not wanting for confidence.

These Posts Will Be On the Final Exam

1. Not Another Goalie Post
   #TeamVarly adds one to its ranks
2. Alan May Mic’d up at the Winter Classic Alumni Game
   Happy birthday, old man.
3. Breaking Up The Band
   Neil was a couple days ahead of everyone else in noting that the current combos are not working.

Game Recaps

• Capitals 3, Panthers 2 – I have a feeling Carlson is going to be a frozen margarita guy.
• Panthers 4, Capitals 3 (OT) – No Loafing
• Lightning 3, Capitals 0 – If you were facing your division rival in a high-stakes match for first place, you’d be an unstoppable whirlwind of high fives and ninja kicks.

Traffic is up 120%, which is insane. Ovechkin should do two commercials a week every week. Goal for this year is to beat Facebook.

Recommended with prejudice: SHOE’s guide to AHL All-star voting

The Three Most Popular Articles of the Week

1. Alex Ovechkin’s New Commercial: the Ovechtrick!
   Aaaaaaand we’ve got the t-shirt.
2. The 2011 Winter Classic in Photos
   Aptly capturing the spectacle of the day.
3. NHLer for a Day: One Fan versus Alex Ovechkin
   As if Jerry Moxley weren’t already a hero to his daughters.

It Would Behoove You to Read These Articles

1. Could An Ovechtrick Actually Happen?
   My favorite post of the week. Neil cannot rule out the Ovechtrick as a possibility.
2. Peter’s Review of HBO 24/7 Capitals/Penguins, Week Four
   I missed episode 3 while on IR, but I screeched and moaned through the grand finale.
3. Alex Ovechkin Skates with Alex Semin’s Niece, Plays Football with Kids, and Gives an Atomic Wedgie To George McPhee’s Son
   Ian abuses our lack of a blog post titles length limit.
4. Video: Alex Ovechkin & Semyon Varlamov’s New SportsCenter Ad
   “Late-night filing” is your new all-purpose excuse.
5. Video: Alex Semin Sheepishly Admits to Having Girlfriend
   Alyonka Larionov gets the quiet Beatle to fess up.
6. Capitals Almost Back To Normal
   All praise Carlzner and the trap. Now it’s time to SCOAR.
7. Caps Pens Alumni Game Ends in 5-5 Tie, Peter Bondra Nets GTG
   CSN Washington needs to post the video of Alan May mic’d up at this game. Priceless.
8. Can Star Players Turn It On In The Playoffs?
   The numbers are kind of a bummer here.  Almost everyone is a disappointment in the post-season.

Game Recaps

• Capitals 3, Penguins 1 — Mike Knuble is the old, yellow horse glue that keeps this team together.
• Capitals 0, Lightning 1 —  Expectations are like raindrops rolling smoothly off the freshly waxed hood of the sports car that is Sasha Minor

A pretty terrific week overall, probably the biggest in the site’s history. The Caps weren’t too shabby either, but the denizens of the phone booth yearn for free wings.

Traffic is down 8 percent this week. Some might say it’s because the holiday, but I think you readers aren’t pulling your weight. Ray Shero and Dan Bylsma put you at a 3 for the week.

Must-see post of the week? Definitely Rachel’s Ovi-Santa.

Let’s dance.

Most Read Stories of the Week

1. Alex Semin: I Am Not Making Plans for the Future
   Igor dialed up some translatory wackiness. Sasha Minor was so distant and non-committal about the future, I thought they were interviewing my long-distance girlfriend from freshman year of college.
2. Caps beat Canes 3-2, Perreault’s Proboscis Pummeled
   Here’s how bad the week was in traffic: you actually read my recap. Standards, people.
3. Peter’s Review of HBO 24/7 Capitals/Penguins, Week Two
   I’m glad people saw this one, ’cause my stupid cracked rib prevented from making another for episode three.

Stories That Have Escaped Your Butter-fingered Grasp

1. Evgeny Kuznetsov: On The Ice With A Parachute
   Kuz can do 200 sit-ups. How many can you do?
2. When the Chips are Down, Who Do you Want in Net?
   #TeamVarly and #TeamNeuvy enter Thunderdome. In this metaphor, Neil is Tina Turner.
3. Is Defense The Key To Mathieu Perreault’s Consistency?
   MP85, perhaps your 2C, is truly frugal in allowing scoring chances against the Caps.
4. The Russian Machine Guide to Pittsburgh
   Through our extensive research we’ve learned that the only good things about Pennsylvania are Keystone and the Bears.
5. Capitals Skate Outdoors Before Winter Classic
   Chris Gordon pitches in with a report from Chevy Chase, where the Caps had their outdoor practice and Ovi used greasepaint to dance around his Gillette contract.

Game Recaps

• Capitals 3, Hurricanes 2 — Jay Beagle got on the big board first with a stunning no-look, behind-the-back, knick-knack, paddywack shot over Carey Price’s shoulder.
• Capitals 3, Canadiens 0 — Carolina’s “Let’s! Go! Canes!” horn sounds like a molested goose. We’ll take Sam Wolk any day.

Alright, Caps Nation. I’m off to Pittsburgh to pursue my dream of living in 66′s basement. Pancake breakfast on Sunday!

And now… the Machinist.

Stuff That Was Totally Popular This Week

1. Capitals Winter Classic Gear in Action
   Chris Gordon, aka Caps Snaps, has some lovely photos of the WC duds at practice. Plus: playfighting!
2. HBO 24/7: a Cameo of Sorts for One Fan
   Ellen’s knit doll from concept to execution to universal fame upon Ovechkin’s bookshelf.
3. Anatomy of a Losing Streak
   Carefully cataloging the Capitals carnage.

Noteworthy Items That Merit Your Precious Attention

1. How to Guarantee a Caps Win
   Neil proves that converting 1 out of 4 scoring chances makes the W a lock.
2. Peter’s Review of HBO 24/7, Week Two
   The guitar cost $30.
3. Keith Jones Rips Alex Semin, Questions Work Ethic
   Possibly nearing the end of their NHL license, Versus grows desperate. Picking on Sasha, with the injuries and flu and all? Not cool, Keith.
4. Prospect Watch: Eakin is WHL and CHL Player of the Week
   The ginger is coming. The ginger is coming.
5. You’re a Wizard, Ovi!
   We need like 10x more Rachel Cohen illustrations on this site.
6. Andrew Gordon Talks about his First NHL Goal
   The Hero of Halifax dishes dirt on beating Marty Brodeur.

Game Recaps That Aren’t Totally Tragic For Once

• Bruins 3, Capitals 2 — If the Capitals played that hard in every period, we wouldn’t be looking at Voldemort or James Van Der Beek right now.
• Capitals 3, Senators 2 — You are free to rock the red, use letters of varying cases, and socialize with redheads again.
• Capitals 5, Devils 1 — It’s the quality of the shot that matters more. And if you can measure the shot distance in inches, that’s even better.
• Penguins 3, Capitals 2 (SO) — When you don’t have a camera literally under the ice to show this, there’s nothing the referees can do.

Tough times, but they won’t last.

Most Popular Stories of the Week

1. Rangers beat Caps 7-0: Initiate Panic Protocol
   We respond to the Worst Game Ever by laying out precise instructions on how to panic.
2. Avangard vs. Vityaz: The Bloodiest Rivalry in Hockey Escalates
   EITM talked about Fedor’s hockey violence screed for 45 seconds before switching topics to group sex.
3. Peter’s Review of HBO 24/7 Capitals/Penguins, Week One
   Coping with HBO’s kick in the teeth with the power of (slightly off-key, slightly out-of-tune) music.

Six Stories That You’ll Be Glad You Read

1. Six-game Losing Streaks are Rare
   How ’bout seven, Neil?
2. HBO 24/7: A Cameo of Sorts for One Fan
   Ellen’s knitted Ovechkin doll finds unsuspected fame on pay cable.
3. Alan May and Peter Bondra Skate at Mites on Ice Outdoor Classic
   Nour and Lindsey document two Caps notables schooling little kids at Reston Town Center.
4. Can’t Lose
   Textual version of the “Unleash the Fury” video package.
5. Poof! Goes the Offense
   Neil charts the decline and disappearance of the Caps’ production using his scoring chances data set.
6. Is Two Days Enough?
   Bruce’s Caps perform poorest with two days off before a game. Yikes.

Game Recaps For Masochists

1. Avalanche 3, Capitals 2 — You can’t say that this team has hit rock bottom until they start heading in the other direction.
2. Rangers 7, Capitals 0 — We need them to be the team we love, not the disaffected clowns who are apparently just killing time until the playoffs.
3. Ducks 2, Capitals 1 —  …we’ve got to power through the next few days of blowhard columnists and humorless humorists waxing assholic about our team.

Puck drops in a few hours way up in tropical Boston, Massachusetts. Let’s make next week’s narratives totally different. Go Caps.

Gotta check out SHOE’s interview with Braden Holtby, where he dishes dirt on Alex Semin’s English skills.

Articles We’re Pretty Sure You’ve Read

1. Caps Skate with Fans at DC Sculpture Garden
   Backstrom + Kids * Skating holding hands = Sickeningly adorable.
2. Jessica’s Movember Birthday Adventure with the Caps
   Night of a thousand plaid shirts.
3. Alzner, Schultz & Hendricks at British Embassy ‘Stache Bash
   Big ups to Chris Gordon of Caps Snaps for the cop uniform exposé.

Note that our three biggest articles of the week were all written by people who aren’t on staff.

These Articles Would Enrich You If You Would Be So Kind As To Read Them

1. The Capitals Do Toys for Tots, Brooks Laich Likes Fedor Fedin
   Alan May vs. stuffed animals. Could you ask for more?
2. Alex Ovechkin’s New Gillette Commercial
   The death knell for #beardpact
3. Prospect Watch: Caps Sign Brett Flemming to Entry Level Deal, Six Caps Prospects Invited to Their Countries’ WJC Camps
   The series with overly long titles continues, and Brett Flemming got a deal!

Game Recaps, Oh Dear

1. Thrashers 3, Capitals 1 — There’s a killer instinct, a Bodhi-likehunger for adventure that is missing from the D.C. forwards.
2. Leafs 5, Capitals 4 (SO) — [Mathieu Perreault]‘s a rambunctious little puppy on the puck.
3. Panthers 3, Capitals 0 — Sarcastic clap > Booing

Perhaps next week’s posts will have fewer photos of Caps players looking adorable and more photos of Matt Bradley covered in blood. Someone else’s blood. Fedor should be filing a piece soon about the Vityaz vs. Avangard brawl, which– if you didn’t know it was the KHL, sounds like a battle that happened in Middle-Earth. Stay tuned for that.

Can’t-miss: Point your browser over to our other selves at Sweetest Hockey on Earth, where Ian interviews Andrew Gordon, and many yucks are shared.

Most Popular Articles of the Week

1. Barack Obama To Attend A Washington Capitals Game Next Year
   Blast from the past, eh? A golden oldie from the salad days of August. Okay, who linked to us?
2. Caps beat Bolts 6-0 in a Blow-out-y Thing
   The day after this recap was posted, RMNB instituted the “not quite so many beers before writing” rule.
3. Ovi’s Shootout Goal Lifts Caps Over Canes 3-2 (SO)
   Famous mostly for the photo of Alex Ovechkin spooning Eric Staal.

Articles You Might Have Missed

1. The Constant Changing Of The Linemates
   Marvel at the return of Semyon Varlamov in this week’s scoring chances post.
2. Jessica’s Movember Birthday Adventure with the Caps
   Shots shots shots shots shots.
3. Evgeny Kuznetsov’s Sophomore Year in KHL: Numbers, Highlights, and Showmanship
   Kuz is killing it in the KHL, the kid knows how to celebrate.
4. GMGM to Scott Hannan: You. Complete. Us.
   Neil finds no downside in acquiring Scott Hannan.
5. Shutouts With Five Goals Against Are Rare
   Could be rarer.

Game Recaps

1. Capitals 6, Lightning 0 — [This post was awful. No pullquotes.]
2. Capitals 3, Hurricanes 2 (SO) —  ”D.J. King to the Devils for a sack of nickels and some mozzarella sticks.”
3. Capitals 4, Blues 1 — “Mousetrap (noun) – the act of pushing the net up and over the goalie’s head so that he becomes stuck under it not unlike in that popular Hasbro board game.”
4. Stars 2, Capitals 1 — “The Stars are like the Foot Clan of hockey teams: damn near anonymous and operating on herd mentality.”