Jay Mohr, star of something, hosted the NHL Awards in Las Vegas tonight.  We watched with bated breath as three beloved players vied for recognition from the league’s notables.  Alex Ovechkin was up for the Lindsay (née Pearson) and the Hart, Mike Green for the Norris, and Jose Theodore for the Masterton.  Beyond the winners and loser, there’s some mighty important breaking news announced tonight, and we’ll tackle it all past the jump.

Alex Ovechkin won the NHLPA award for MVP, the Ted Lindsay Trophy.  Ovie’s speech fluctuated from rowdy hellos and Vegas cheers to a solemn invocation of his brother Sergei, who died in a car accident when Ovie was 10.  The music cued Ovechkin to cede the floor to the next presenter, but Ovie persevered, continuing his speech as soon as it died down.

Jose Theodore wins the Masterton in his second and final year as a Cap. (AP Photo/Isaac Brekken)

To the surprise of no one, Jose Theodore was awarded the Masterton Trophy.  Given to the player “who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to ice hockey”, Jose was a shoo-in.  After the harrowing events of last summer, Theodore’s meteoric rise–  culminating in those wizardly performances of early ’10– was even more inspiring.  As we expected, Theo’s speech brought tears to nearly everyone in earshot.  It was only moments later that Tarik El-Bashir reported that Theodore will not be re-signed by the Capitals.  We’re saddened to lose such a great player and guy, but we’re thankful that we got to cheer for him at all.  Ever since that whole Paris Hilton thing ended, Jose has been nothing but class.

Mike Green did not win the Norris Trophy.  There’s no way to tread carefully around this point: it’s a sham.  As reported by Mike Vogel, Mike Green joins Sergei Gonchar as the only points-leading defenders to get passed over for the Norris every year.  We’re heartened that Mike Green is in Las Vegas, a bottomless font of empathy, where he can surely salve the wound with a bucket of ice-cold Red Bull and vodkas.

Finally, Alex Ovechkin did not win the Hart Trophy, nixing his chance for a threepeat.  The award went instead to Art Ross winner, Henrik Sedin.  It seems conclusive now that Ovechkin’s ten missed games, most due to suspension, were too many for the Professional Hockey Writers’ Association.  Our cold comfort on the snubbing is that Ovie handily beat Sidney Crosby in the race for second place.

Other observations on the NHL Awards:

• Sidney Crosby won the Messier Leadership Award and the Freddie Mercury Overbite Award.
• Host Jay Mohr spent most of the night pretending he was someone else.  The audience spent most of the night wishing Jay Mohr was someone else.
• Mark Wahlberg, allegedly several mojitos into his evening, rambled his way through the Calder Trophy presentation.  Mark Wahlberg is a terrible actor, and I bet he has hair plugs.
• The NHL awards were bedazzled by several auspicious musical performances.  Buffalo’s favorite sons, The Goo Goo Dolls, played their smash-hit “Home”, and heartland rockers Shinedown gave a rousing rendition of their chart-topping record, “Sound of Madness”.
• Sarcasm, folks.
• Unlike pretty much every other player there, Mike Green and Alex Ovechkin were mavericks sporting the suit-with-no-tie look. Also, they glowed with an aura possible only when one’s soul vibrates in perfect harmony with the city of Las Vegas.
• Ryan Miller won the Vezina Trophy and has reportedly yet to let go of it.  Good on him and his manly head of hair.
• Ian called the Masterton Trophy the “Mastodon“, and he’s livid about Ovie not winning the Hart.  Ask him for his feelings on it, but clear your schedule first.
• Silencing the doubters, Mike Green reprised his thespian skills in a face-off with that damned Geico caveman.
• Versus must have played that freaking commercial where the Penguins fans refuse to leave about a dozen times.