My favorite Caps player (okay, two-way tie with Chris Simon) Matt Bradley has found new hockey life with Finland’s TuTo. Last time we saw him, Matt took a nasty hit and was subsequently bought out by the Florida Panthers. The video above shows Bradley’s first shift with the TuTo, and it gives us a good idea if he’s actually recovered from that injury.

Let’s play a game: I’m not gonna tell you which guy Bradley is. Just watch the clip, and then you tell me. Thick and proud, baby.

Photo credit: Evan Vucci

Does Alex Semin Care? That was the dominant headline before training camp. On August 17th, former Cap Matt Bradley spoke candidly to an Ottawa radio station and questioned the Russian winger’s commitment to hockey and the team. “When you’ve got a guy like that, you need him to be your best player, or one of your best players, and when he doesn’t show up, you almost get the sense that he wants to be back in Russia.”

With a minute left in the third period of Thursday’s game and the Caps up only a goal, Alex Semin showed how much he loved DC by putting the Capitals back in the playoffs for the fifth consecutive season with a dazzling individual play. As two Florida Panther defenders shadowed Brooks Laich along the boards, Sasha Minor — unguarded in the corner — took a pass, went strong to the net, and lifted a backhanded shot over Jose Theodore.

Video is below the jump.

To celebrate, the elated Semin apparently couldn’t decide between punching the glass or kicking the boards. So naturally, he did both to disastrous effect. As both hand and foot hit board, Semin lost his balance and clumsily fell to the ice. There he laid for several seconds, resembling a fallen Civil War soldier, until his teammates greeted him with back pats, head rubs, and an ice spray.

Maybe Brads was wrong, maybe Brads was right. But in the end, Semin concluded the Capitals’ 2011-12 regular season the same way it began: with a goal.

Now that’s what I call consistency.

Here’s Doug Johnson of the PuckBuddys with your penultimate pregamer. Follow @PuckBuddys.

Early Morning Skate: Our doctor advises those of you with heart issues, temper problems, or who are prone to premature catastrophization to avoid watching the Capitals Thursday night. In fact, why not just turn the TV and iPad off and curl up into a little whimpering ball right now.

The rest of us? We few… we lucky few… are ready for, and this is no hyperbole, the single most cosmically important game for any team since the beginning of time. That said, will the Capitals be ready as well?

Alex Semin

The most cogent analysis we’ve cooked up: heart. Those bad games, they wear on their faces.  When we look at the bench during those bad night, we can see that they just don’t believe in themselves and have already given up.

We’re not giving up, Brave Men in Red, and we believe you haven’t, either. That’s why you must defeat Florida. There are so many permutations of possible outcomes between now and Saturday night, that it makes our hair hurt (or what’s left of it), just trying to comprehend. But for the Caps, as Tim Russert said, it all comes down to, “Florida, Florida, Florida.”  But luckily for us, we don’t have a Supreme Court interfering and screwing things up – this one is on us, all us. No dangling chads this time, just dangles. Dangles, dekes, curls, drags, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, CRASHING and SCOARING!

The Non-Stat-Tastic Taunting Pregame

People – annoying people, mostly – say that “Washington was built on a swamp.” Haha, but it wasn’t and they’re ass-butts. What is true is that Florida was a swamp, and now has been converted into America’s Garbage Pile of stuff the rest of us don’t want anymore. Think about it: Backstreet Boys. Katherine Harris. Paula Hawkins. Dave Barry. Charlie Crist. All that refuse that sensible types toss away, wanting to forget their mistakes? It just sorta tumbles down the continent and collects in our national sewer. You think we’re kidding about this garbage stuff? The highest elevation in Florida is a measly 345 feet above sea level – that is if you don’t include the state’s approximately 100 landfills. That’s the real FLorida topography.

So just imagine the sort of  goblins that inhabit Sunrise, Florida – the non-ironically-yet-oh-so-tragically-named home of the Panthers. Tod Browning’s Freaks had nothing on this place. Gooble-gobble, they’re awful. And they’re also kinda the recycling heap of the Washington Capitals (which we think unfairly taints the noble cause of recycling.)  “Flash” Fleischmann. “Brads” Bradley. “Blitzkreig” Sturm. And José ”Still So Hot” Theodore. You could be forgiven for thinking this team is just a collection of old rubber bands and dirty doggie-bags…except. Except for the fact that we’ve pretty much been looking up their skirt all season.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t have their number on speed-kill-dial.

The Throw Down in China Town

• Home and Away. Four times we’ve met this year. Twice here, twice down in the urinal / litterbox. At home, we win. Down there, we’re in the toilet. I don’t need to tell you that the Caps still are among the best at-home teams in the League. Or that we play the stink-cats at the Phone Booth.
• Shut Yo’ Mouth. Not only have we won at home, but we’ve shut the kittehs out both times, the Panthers’ longest series of shut-outs yet. We have our Top Cat between the pipes on Thursday, but Jose Pussycat hasn’t logged a win since mid-March, leaving the heavy lifting to Scott Clemenceau or some other surrender monkey.
• Stay Filthy. We’ve noted Ovi’s rouse from Wintertime slumber to Springtime colossus. We’ve seen Nicky take back the dot (or BE the dot) and, hopefully soon, awaken our hibernating power play. We’ve seen Beags start pawing hard at the net while Old Man Kanoooobs never stopped. And, H8ers (or Twenty-H8ers)  I’m talking to you, Alexander Semin has game in/game out continued to show his quality. There is nobody in teh NHL who can snipe like Sasha. That 14 minutes of TOI from the Bolts game was an abomination, and we’re still shaking our heads.  Coach, keep him on the ice, and Sasha, keep it up, Russian Huggy-Bear.
• Any Time Over Time. Yeesh. I’m still in the books as hating overtime, and really hating shoot outs. Yet the Caps have twice in just two weeks shown what a shoot out should look like. Hendy? We’re looking in your direction! Overall, we’ve got the mojo over the Panthers in this category…should it come to it. But it better not. Win in regulation. Close the deal in 60.
• Hollywood Ending. “Forget it, Jose. It’s Chinatown.”

The Throwback Jersey

Look, this has been a heck of a season. And by heck we mean other words our RMNB overlords don’t like us using, even though we’re all grown-ups and know what we’re talking about but have to maintain the façade of politesse because, whatever. We’ve hooted and hollered and fist-bumped and taken too many rides-of-shame home on the Metro. It’s still too early for look backs because we’re still looking forward to playoffs. But at the second to last regular season go-around, we can’t wait for Thursday evening. (And our throw-back jerseys are bad luck to boot.)

7pm on the teevees. Unlike Saturday’s season finale against the Rags, the Thursday game is on CSN. Thank God we won’t have to suffer through the lunatic, hate-filled ranting and raving of the NBC (Nattering Braying Carping) announce team.  And we’ll see you on the Twitters – use the special hashtag: #RussianMachineBreaksYou

Once more into the breach, my friends. CRASH THE NET!

Photo credit: Gary I. Rothstein

During Sunday’s game between the Florida Panthers and Anaheim Ducks, former Capitals player (and fan favorite) Matt Bradley suffered what appears to be a significant injury.

During the second period, Anaheim’s George Parros apparently leveled Bradley at center ice with a high shoulder hit. Bradley attempted to hit Parros into the boards in retaliation a few seconds later. Parros slowed to avoid the hit, causing Bradley to collide with the glass headfirst. Bradley was unable to continue playing and required help off the ice and into the locker room. He did not return to the game.

The hit seemed unspectacular at first and did not garner much attention from the broadcast team, but repeated views make for harrowing stuff. The crown of Bradley’s helmet seems to be the main point of contact with the glass, and his head rocks back violently (the best view of this is around 1 minute into the video).

The glass required replacement after the play, and it may have cracked due to the impact with Bradley’s helmet.

On Monday, Panthers head coach Kevin Dineen told George Richards of the Miami Herald that Bradley’s injury is “not short term.”

Matt Bradley missed more than a month with the Capitals due to a hand injury suffered on December 21st, 2010. In 45 games with the Panthers this season, Bradley has 3 goals and 5 assists, averaging 10:52 per game.

As we’ve learned way too often over the last few years, head injuries are mysterious affairs. Hits that look debilitating could be be minor, and hits that look insignificant may be profound. We don’t know yet where Matt’s hit will fall on that spectrum, but we’re worried for a player that has meant so much to this community over the past seven years.

Additional reporting by Ian Oland and Fedor Fedin.

Kris Versteeg wipes out. (Photo credit: Thearon W. Henderson)

How was your weekend? The Caps won. That was cool. I bet Coach Hunter is psyched. I lost my cell phone. That sucked.

On Monday night, the Capitals hit the road again, leaving a tumultuous three-game home stand behind them. They’ll be suiting up in Sunrise, Florida, which is a ludicrous name for a city. The hosting team? The Florida Capitals.

Marjory the Trash Heap was also assembled from other people's refuse.

Ahh, shoot! Florida Panthers. Sorry. But the Florida roster does sport four ex-Caps: Tomas Fleischmann, Matt Bradley, Jose Theodore, and Marco Sturm (who shouldn’t really count). How did so many Caps players end up in Florida? Over the summer, Panthers GM Dale Tallon got his checkbook out and started signing free agents all willy nilly just to reach the salary floor.

And now– somehow– the Panthers are at the top of the Southeast Division. No one saw that coming. This team was assembled from spare parts. We had joked that it was a retirement home. These guys shouldn’t have a cohesive personality, let alone a winning record. Instead, they’re 14-8-4 and they’ve commited the fewest minor penalties in the league. It’s disciplined and effective hockey they’re playing in Sunrise, which is still is a stupid name for a city.

The Capitals are in the awkward position of looking up in the standings to see another Southeast team. Florida is five points ahead of Washington, even if Washington has played one fewer game. So yeah, this one matters.

The Panthers are making a big deal out of the game. It’s Tomas Vokoun’s homecoming. Vokes played four seasons for Florida before leaving as a free agent last year. Even though the team has changed drastically, his return is a marketing ploy. This is from their site:

Let’s take a look at some Panthers players.

Tomas Fleischmann (12G, 15A, plus-14 ). Flash’s blood clot thing is ancient history. If he were still playing on the Caps, he’d be their best player. Remember who GM got in exchange for him? Scott Hannon, whom the team didn’t re-sign over the summer.

Matt Bradley (1G, 1A, even). Nothing to say here. I included him out of nostalgia. If he fights Matt Hendricks, there will be tears.

Kris Versteeg (12G, 12A, plus-13). The right winger is playing great hockey in what should become his career year.

Jose Theodore (2.28 GAA, .924 Sv%) is Florida’s number-one goalie. If the hockey gods are good, we’ll see Theo between the pipes.

On the Caps side, Mike Green is still out with a shattered babymaker. Jay Beagle is still doing the concussion thing, but he’s improving. Alex Semin is traveling with the team, but the shoulder injury he suffered after Jordan Staal’s charge may keep him out. We’ll know after the morning skate.

Can Coach Hunter string two wins together? Will the Caps’ offense come back to life? Will RMNB make a crack about Jose Theodore’s hair? Only one of these things is certain.

Puck drops at 7:30 PM on CSN. See you there.

Photo credit: Joel Auerbach

Ever since the Panthers beat the tar out of the Lightning 7-4 on Monday, they’ve struggled to put the puck in the net. On Tuesday, they traveled up to DC to face former teammate Tomas Vokoun and got blanked 3-0. Thursday, the trend continued.  Down one goal to the Sabres after 30 minutes of listless hockey, Florida was  looking for momentum.

Enter Matt Bradley.

After a neutral zone faceoff, the former Capital skated with purpose towards Paul Gaustad and shoved him. You know what happened next.

BLOOD.

Bradley’s scrap failed to ignite his teammates, as the Panthers were shutout 3-0. “I don’t think we tried hard enough,” coach Kevin Dineen said to On Frozen Pond. “It’s got to stop right now.” Yeah, probably.

Through six games, the Panthers sit in third place in the Southeast Division– ahead of Tampa Bay, who fell one-game short of the Stanley Cup Finals last year. Not bad for a ragtag crew.

Additional Photos

Photo credit: Joel Auerbach

Photo credit: Alan Diaz

Matt Bradley For Life.

Photo credit: Scott Audette

The Florida Panthers spent their Monday night trouncing the Tampa Bay Lightning 7-4. The Cats used five powerplay goals to fend off a third period rally from their rivals in America’s groin. By now the Panthers are probably already on their way up to Washington.

Here we go. This is the game you’ve been looking forward to. Not the rematch with Tampa, the date with Pittsburgh, or Thursday’s face-off with Jagr. You have been amped for this game: Matt Bradley, Jose Theodore, Tomas Fleischmann– all your exes are coming over for a dinner party and it’s going to be AWKWARD.

Sean Bergenheim

Before we do some creepy Facebook stalking on our former lovers, let’s size up the rest of Florida. Most of these guys you’ll remember from other teams because Florida is the Frankenstein’s Monster* of the NHL.

They’ve got Sean Bergenheim(1G, 0A, even), late of the Lightning and acquired seemingly because Florida had some money to burn. There he is at right. Good photo of him methinks.

Kris Versteeg (3G, 4A, even) is the real threat. Small for a forward, Versteeg is a growing threat at only 25 years old, and he’s probably the best forward they’ll dress on Tuesday night. No insults or jokes– he’s pretty good. But smells like cabbage.

There’s youngster D-man Dmitry Kulikov (0G, 1A, minus-two) who may become a force as he matures, but for now we’re just including him ’cause he’s Russian. And Erik Gudbranson (nil, nil, even), who did this to Steve Downie the other night and has our gratitude, but otherwise seems like a minor character in a Stieg Larsson book. Mountain of a man though.

Matt Bradley

Okay, let’s have fun now. Last season, Matt Bradley (0G, 0A, minus-1, bloodied) stood up to get some punch and when he got back to his chair, Jay Beagle was in it. Into free agency he went only to find a home in lovely Miami (is it Miami, right?). Matt Bradley probably wouldn’t have DiPietro’d out with Arron Asham, but Jay Beagle probably wouldn’t have spoken out of turn about Alex Semin. Matty reportedly feels bad about the violation of the locker room code, but let’s be real; this wouldn’t have been a big story had not so many people thought it true. Press Secretary C.J Cregg once said something relevant about this on The West Wing: “It’s the classic Washington scandal. We screwed up by telling the truth.”

After missing a huge chunk of last season due to another blood clot fiasco, Tomas Fleischmann (1G, 2A, plus-2) relocated from Colorado to Florida and is expected to have the bounceback season he deserves. We should be all just be glad that he is healthy and will be all up in our faces Tuesday night. No one tell him that we’ve replaced him with another Tomas because that would be weird.

Jose Theodore

And then there’s Jose Theodore, sporting a 920 SV% and one mean head of hair. Jose took bullets for his team on Monday night, so it’s unlikely we’ll see him dress for Verizon Center. That said, hopefully he’ll skip the baseball cap and let those bangs swing at concordant angles on the bench. Some people thought Theo was of middling talent, and some people obsess over his “I just work here” moment from a few years past. I prefer to think of him as the goalie who stewarded the team through their longest winning streak in history. He probably ain’t playing though, so screw him.

Instead, we’re likely to see rookie Jacob Markstrom. He’s 21 years-old and this could be his first NHL game, so break out the popcorn.

So what are we gonna do when the guys hit the ice? Manners dictate polite applause for their first shifts and then monstrous WOOP‘s every time they touch the puck thereafter. Let ‘em know you remember them, you love them, and you’re here to watch them get torn apart by your Washington Capitals. Give ‘em a standing O on their way back to the locker rooms, and then pity them quietly for being the Caps’ refuse.

After all, The Florida Panthers are a hair doll– a loosely bound amalgamation of scraps and leavings. With no personality of their own, they’ll mimic the habits of those around them. Like the creepy college roommate who downloads the MP3s you were playing just a day before, the Panthers pull crap like this:

You’ve gotta be kidding me. Powered by xfinity.

Who’s our starting goalie? Dunno, but it won’t be Michal Neuvirth, who is nursing a bruised foot. Will the Caps send in Tomas Vokoun with games against the Flyers and Wings later this week? Or will we see some HOLTBYISMS back at Verizon Center?

UPDATE: Naw, Capitals have recalled Dany Sabourin from Hershey.

Puck drop is a little after 7, so find out then. CSN will have the game, so we’ll probably have a Joe B suit for you.

Go Caps. The real ones.

* Note: Yeah, Frankenstein’s Monster. We’re sticklers for accuracy.

Photo credit: Mitchell Layton

It was hard not to notice Alex Semin on Opening Night. Not only did he score the Capitals first goal of the season on a breakaway, he also made his presence known physically with a big hit on Bryan Allen. Semin, who had one of his necklaces ripped off in the melee sparked by the questionable check, was given a two-minute minor for boarding. On Sunday, Stephen Whyno of The Washington Times reported that Sasha Minor will not face any disciplinary action from the NHL.

After the game, Slava Malamud of Sport-Express caught up with Semin to get his thoughts on the Caps victory, his broken jewelry, and celebrating his goals with a smile. RMNB’s Igor Kleyner has your translation below.

The way Semin looked did not seem to corroborate Matt Bradley’s words. Alexander appeared exhausted (having pedaled on a stationary bike for a very long time after the game), with a bleeding scratch on his nose, but in a great mood. Judging by his answers below, Semin may appear irritated, but if you were to insert in the text [smiling] as a clarification, it would be almost in every sentence.

Slava Malamud: What’s with your nose?

Alex Semin: I was kissed.

Slava Malamud: How did you get your necklace ripped?

Alex Semin: Well, at the same time. Someone grabbed it. They did it on purpose. I wasn’t even trying to fight. Darn it, such rams oafs! Why would I fight them?

Slava Malamud: Were you worried while sitting in the penalty box in OT?

Alex Semin: Well, was that a penalty? Honestly – was it or not?

Slava Malamud: What’s the difference? In any case everybody would say: “Semin was penalized, the team lost.”

Alex Semin: Yes, you would write exactly that. I am used to it already.

Slava Malamud: I would rather write about the beautiful goal you scored.

Alex Semin: I just got lucky.

Slava Malamud: Lucky? But you intentionally took off to get open.

Alex Semin: I did exactly the same the first time, but Brouwer saw me too late, so the pass was a bit awkward. But the second time the puck came to me very nicely. So I took off. I was taught to do that.

Slava Malamud: You should smile after scoring. You made such a mean grimace.

Alex Semin: So far it’s not working out exactly as I would like. A bit hard. Probably because it’s a first game. Later everything will come around.

Slava Malamud: So, about that penalty at the end. You may end up suspended for boarding. Or did he turn his back at the last moment?

Alex Semin: I was going for shoulder to shoulder. How far away from the board was it, did you see? Pretty far. Not a penalty!

Slava Malamud: You started giving interviews in English. Is the club forcing you?

Alex Semin: Well, why. I just interact with him (pointing at Tarik El-Bashir from The Washington Post). It’s easy with him. I don’t interact with others.

Slava Malamud: Is the commotion around that statement by Matt Bradley affecting you?

Alex Semin: It’s total nonsense. Why pay attention? I am not little, this is not my first year playing here. So he said whatever he said – now what, blow it out of proportion? I already forgot about it. I don’t care.

Additional reporting by Ian Oland.

I feel like I’ve seen this person before… (Photo credit: Mitchell Layton)

Fans enter Verizon Center before the season-opener. (Photo credit: Chris Gordon)

One hundred fifty-seven days. That’s a long summer for Caps fans. And Saturday night at 7:09 P.M. Eastern Time when six ounces of vulcanized rubber tumbled toward the ice sheet it was finally over.

“The atmosphere was great,” Alex Ovechkin told reporters after the game. “The fans push us forward all the time. It’s nice to play at home, especially the first game. I know everybody was missing hockey here so it’s nice to come back.”

The trademarks of Caps hockey were all there last night: Sam Wolk pursed his lips to his horn and let lout three loud blasts at the drop of the puck; Wes Johnson bellowed out the name of Alexander Semin (heavy on the “r”) after Washington lit the lamp for the first time this season on Sasha’s tally; William Stilwell, better known as the Goat, let out a thunderous roar of “Let’s Go Caps!” as he stomped the metal beneath his feet when shown on the big screen in the second period.

There have been pre-season games (eight of them to be exact) and practices — a convention too. But nothing lives up to games that actually matter — or maybe do not matter depending on how you look at it. And Caps fans were ready. 18,506 of them packed Verizon Center, good for a sellout crowd at 100.6 percent of capacity, a number that makes sense if you don’t think about it.

“I’m super excited that they’re back,” Caps fan Jenn McAdoo said. “I felt last year they were trying to stay angry. Let’s just hope this year they stay in the playoffs.”

The off-season, which like all recent ones has begun much too early for the Caps’ liking, was one of change. Former playoff stud and ceiling enthusiast Semyon Varlamov was shipped to Denver, though he probably should do some stretching before hitting the slopes in Colorado. Eric Fehr, too, now plays for another team. Same goes for Matt Bradley, Boyd Gordon, Jason Arnott, Scott Hannan, and Marco Sturm (who was in D.C. for about half has much time as it will take you to read this post). But the team now boasts a new starting netminder — actually, that part might be complicated — in Tomas Vokoun. The D-corps have also received a veteran boost thanks to the acquisition of Roman Hamrlik. The forwards now feature the Hebrew Hammer Jeff Halpern along with former Moose Jaw Warrior Troy Brouwer and former Owen Sound Plater Joel Ward (I love junior hockey). And for fans before 2009 (those exist?), fan favorite Olie Kolzig is also back as a coach.

But enough about the summer. Now it’s finally time for hockey. Glorious hockey.

“I’m really excited for the season to be back because the off-season sucks,” said Caps fan Amanda Hill.

“I have to admit, at the beginning of last year I was a little blasé,” the Goat said. “It was really kind of the status quo team and there was no real reason to think anything had changed. … Starting on July 1st I just felt, ‘This is it; this is a regular season to be excited about because we could actually see a different team out there.’”

“There’re a lot of guys on the Caps that have something to prove and I’m looking forward to seeing them prove it,” he continued.

Washington plans do just that. And though they may be professionals, the team can still get a case of the butterflies.

Said Head Coach Bruce Boudreau: “The crowd’s into it, there are a lot of new guys. Nerves were there. It’s like the first day on the job and going into the office — you’re nervous. Whether you’re a 20-year veteran on the job or just brand new.”

If you took a break from hockey after May 4th, when the Tampa Bay Lightning swept the Washington Capitals out of the playoffs, we completely understand. It was rough. But the new season is here, along with reasons for renewed hope. So in case you’ve been avoiding hockey in general and this blog in particular, we’ve prepared a primer to catch you up.

Here is everything you need to know about the Washington Capitals but were afraid to ask (2011-2012 edition).

Who won the cup?

Boston Bruins. Tim Thomas was a monster. So was their bar tab.

Where’s Semyon Varlamov?

On July 30th, we thought that Varly was headed to the KHL. But the rumor was dubiously sourced, two teams (SKA and Lokomotiv Yaroslavl) disputed Varlamov’s negotiation rights, and the Caps weren’t talking. On July 1st, the first day of free agency, the Capitals dealt Varly to the Colorado Avalanche in exchange for some very nice draft picks. As a condition of that deal, if the Avs don’t to make the playoffs those picks get even better.

Who else is gone?

Most of the team’s free agents:

• Matt Bradley was signed by the Florida Panthers.
• Boyd Gordon was signed by the Phoenix Coyotes.
• Jason Arnott is a member of the St. Louis Blues.
• Marco Sturm is in Vancouver on a gig for the Canucks.
• Scott Hannan will play for the Calgary Flames this year.
• And F16 Eric Fehr is a member of the brand-spanking new Winnipeg Jets. Yeah, more on that in a moment.

And Brooks Laich is back?

Is he ever! Brooks Laich signed a monster 6-year, $27M contract on June 28th. You’ll be getting lost in those eyes through 2018.

Who is this new goalie?

“New” is a relative term. Tomas Vokoun is a 35-year-old Czech goalie most recently out of Florida. Because he wants to play on a team with a chance at victory, Vokoun agreed to take a serious pay cut to play for the Caps. This is very good news, as Vokoun is an elite goaltender with a very real chance at the Vezina Trophy for best goalie this year. As sad as I’m sure you are about losing Semyon Varlamov, be heartened that the team has added someone this talented.

Who’s new on defense?

On July 1st George McPhee signed Roman Hamrlik, a grizzled vet who has spent the last four years with the Montreal Canadiens, to a 2-year, $7M contract. Hamrlik represents the added depth and experience that GMGM was looking for in the defensive zone. You can expect him to pair up with Dennis Wideman.

Who’s new up front?

That would be Joel Ward, who got a 4-year, $12M contract with the team on free agency day. Ward distinguished himself with a superb playoff performance with Nashville, scoring seven goals in 12 games, and he has a reputation as a defensively minded forward and hardy penalty killer. With the Caps’ apparent evaporation of secondary scoring, Ward will be expected to produce this year.

And don’t forget Troy Brouwer, who was picked up on draft day. Brouwer is what GMGM calls a “power forward”, a tough guy who will likely see time on the top two lines. McPhee thinks he might put up 20 goals this season.

And what’s this I hear about Olie Kolzig?

Vezina and King Clancy winner and the winning-est goalie in Capitals history, Olaf “Olie” Kolzig has rejoined the team as associate goaltending coach! Olie intends to be here for a while and has sold his insane mansion in the pacific northwest. If you’ll forgive a momentary brag, we talked to Kolzig back in February and told us then he was enthusiastic about future relations with his old team. Maybe we’ll see number 37 retired soon?

Any other new old faces? Maybe one that’ll actually play?

Hell yeah! Caps veteran Jeff Halpern is back with a one-year contract. Halpy was a Cap from 1999 until 2004 and says he “jumped at the opportunity to come back” to the team that launched his NHL career. Between this and the return of Olie, you can expect to see noticeably more blue/black/bronze jerseys around Chinatown this year.

How about those injuries last year?

Dennis Wideman missed the playoffs after a nasty hit to the leg from Carolina’s Tuomo Ruutu (checked: still not a Star Wars character) at the end of the regular season. We heard it was “just a bruise”, but it turned out to be something gross called “compartment syndrome.” Wideman is looking good in the preseason and should be playing on opening night.

Tom Poti missed most of last year with a nagging groin injury. We usually make jokes about groin injuries here, but Poti’s ailment is seriously endangering his hockey career. Tom failed his physical and will likely be on injured reserve status this year.

Any cool drama I need to know about?

Alright, get this: Matt Bradley gives an interview to a Florida radio station and says that Alex Semin doesn’t care. Then David Steckel kinda-sorta says the same thing. And then everyone else jumps to Semin’s defense. And then the dude himself gives two English-language video interviews, which kinda makes you think someone in the organization was really worried about this meme. Speaking of memes, we made some bar graphs about the whole kerfuffle.

In other news, Alex Ovechkin slouched in an interview with Mike Vogel, leading everyone to think he got fat. A subsequent onslaught of notables (including Ted Leonsis himself) defended Alex’s fitness. This in no way justified and perpetuated a ludicrous story that should have been ignored by all sensible people except us and Dan Steinberg.

Just recently the Caps tried out white netting instead of black netting behind the ice, creating a kind of snowblindness for fans who sit at funny angles. People complained, and the white netting lasted exactly one game. Don’t laugh; we actually have to read and write about this stuff.

And any blatant gimmickry I should be aware of?

For 16 road games this year, the Caps will be wearing their third jersey, which is basically the Winter Classic uni. Most of those games will be in February and March, when the Caps will be on the road a lot.

What utterly trivial things did RMNB write about this year?

Nothing except the earthshaking drama of Alex Ovechkin playing soccer, Alex Ovechkin dressing like a wookiee, Alex Ovechkin wearing sweatpants over his jeans, and Alex Ovechkin being on a candy bar.

Hook me up with some #fancystats.

My favorite piece by Neil this summer was The Sasha Index, which tracks how Alex Semin’s janusian nature affects the team’s performance by inventing a brand new statistical metric. You might also be interested in Jeff Halpern’s projected output, the lofty expectations placed on Alex Ovechkin, and who Nick Backstrom should play with.

What’s up with the Caps on the radio?

Longtime Caps play-by-play man Steve Kolbe did not have his contract with the team renewed over the summer. In his place, John Walton, former PR boss and play-by-play guy for the Hershey Bears, will be doing radio and other stuff. Scott Stuccio takes over for the Bears.

How was your summer, Russian Machine Never Breaks?

Oh not bad; thanks for asking. Neil has been contributing to ESPN Insider in addition to WaPo’s Capitals Insider. Ian has two ferrets. I’ve got a new bulldog named Georgia who sits on my coffee table when I’m not home. Chris got his pubes. Fedor and Igor are still Russian, and Rachel is working on her artist chops.

We’ve got bigger news, but let’s save that for later in the week.

What’s going on in the rest of the NHL?

The Atlanta Thrashers are history. The franchise has become the Winnipeg Jets, restoring the team that left for Phoenix in ’96. Manitoba native and newly minted Jet Eric Fehr is particularly happy about this news. The sucky part is that the ‘Peg is still technically in the NHL’s Southeast division, so there’s gonna be a lot of travelling for SE teams this year. The NHL will realign next season.

Sidney Crosby is still recovering from the concussion he suffered at the beginning of 2011. There is no timetable for his return.

Perhaps Washington’s most reviled ex-player, Jaromir Jagr, has returned to the NHL. He will play for the Philadelphia Flyers.

Speaking of Philly, the Winter Classic of 2012 will pit them against the Rangers.

Sean Avery is still a douchebag, but now with a heart of gold. Matt Cooke is still a thug, but wants to reform. The Sedins are still creepy, and that’ll never change. Martin St. Louis is still lilliputian, and he probably wears lifts in his shoes.

What are the expectations for the Caps this year?

Oh man. Well they struggled a bit in the preseason, but let’s pretend that doesn’t matter.

As of right now, The gambling site Bodog has the Caps tied with the Canucks to win the cup at 7:1. Puck Daddy’s profile on the team predicts they’ll advance to the conference finals at least. As long as no one paints any oil paintings, this thing should be a lock.

Crash the net.

Illustrations and layout by Ian Oland; Capitals photos by Chris Gordon.