In 1972 Doug Johnson was sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn’t commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire the Puck Buddys.

The Puck Drop: Caps fans and booze-hounds, rejoice! We proudly announce this season’s newest, bestest, most assured to get you F’d up cocktail! The Rockin’ Red Flame Out! Directions: grab some high-priced this, pretend to add some top-shelf that, splash with vaguely European liquor, shred ice, and shake! Mix! Toss about round n’ round! Throw in a blender and oscillate! Back and forth, back and forth, up and down, over and over and over again! That’s the spirit!

Drink and regret. Clean out your blender from top to bottom (well, don’t go nuts) and repeat. Mmm…now that’s satisfaction.

Here’s the deal. I can’t believe I’m writing this yet again. For weeks I’ve been thinking about what to say about Denver – the team, the city, the doped-out state of mind. How Denver is nothing of the above: at the end of the prairie but not quite prairie, near the lip of the mountains but not in the mountains. Neither East nor West, North or South. The Hollow-Man City; the place that everyone forgets… or tries to. The cosmic rendezvous at the event horizon; the bong-water swamp where memory ends. In short, the Vortex Sutra of All That Is and Nothing That Isn’t. The confused, abandoned, cardboard bastard child of America.

And yet – hahaha we stink. Almost exactly half the time. Meaning all the mean things I said about Denver? They’re still half true, but we’ve got no room to swagger. Not despite, but precisely because of the last game.

The Naughty and Nice List, Quarta Edizione

• Naughty: Alexandr Valeryevich Semin. The Great 28. How disappointed are we; we who adore you? You don’t even get a funny comment, that’s how much. There’s nothing to laugh about anymore.
• Nice: Mike “Kanoooobs” Knuble has never disappointed, and Thursday night he again… failed to, um, not disappoint. Or something. Meaning Papa Knuble stands for everything that is awesome-sauce about the Knaps lately. Extra Xbox for the kiddies under the tree for you. But our special vánočka cookies go not to Santa but to his elf, Michal Neuvirth. Humbuggers may scoff at his stats (SV% .885) plopping him near the bottom of the NHL, but he’s shown dazzling sizzle (and other zazzley words we can’t think of right now) in moments throughout the season, and Thursday’s shut-out – though not of his own making – held moments of brilliance. Double-puppy-dog thanks to you, Neuvy.

OK, we’ve contractually gotta do this “Avs R Hawt” thing, so strap in. And to help us out, we’ve enlisted Michael “Bandito” Cox of GForce Hockey and some law skool or something out in Denver. The PuckBuddys pulled him away from his hotbox — haha, we mean finals! — long enough to offer some informed thoughts on the Avs. (ATTN prospective employers: we kid the kid – he’s straight-arrow, whip-smart, hot on his feet and has no earthly idea what a “hot box” is.)

What Makes Them Hot

1: Touche Douchene. Sure, he’s a little guy with a big ol’ -7, but Matt Duchene at 11G – 11A is second only to the comically named Ryan O’Reilly (who went to school with Paddy McShamrock) in total points, and still the Avs leading scorer. Says Cox: “He has some Crosby-esque, stylish moves up his sleeve that Caps should really watch out for, but this goal gets extra points.” So…apart from the C-word mention, he’s good. Oh, and if you’re so inclined, he’s also smokin’ hot.

Gabriel Landeskog

2: Names We Can’t Pronounce: Captain Milan Hejduk (9G, 12A, -5), the aging Czech right winger, and compatriot Gabriel Landeskog, the youthful left wing (5G, 8A, +4) are the sort of Yin/Yang to this team. Cox on Hejduk: “Their Knuble equivalent, and he’s even more of a papa because the next oldest forward is 29. Been with the Avs since ’98, he’s their captain and go-to veteran.” And on the other blondier one, simply: “He’s their Viking Warrior God.” We’ve seen pics of said deity, and we can confirm our colleague’s astute assessment.

Semyon Varlamov

 3: Space Cadet: Oh, guess what tonight is! Dinner with our Ex! Well, that’s always fun, eh? Yeah, we’re meeting up once more with Semyon Varlamov (SV .896%) near-giant Russian slab o’ puck-stoppin’ treat…and ex-Cap. And still handsome as hell. Says analyst Cox: “Some nights he’s a jedi, others he’s a space cadet.” We still miss you, Varlmonster, although we’re not missing what you didn’t do in our crease. That just sounded obscene. Anyway, you get it: Varly & Neuvy (we expect) face off. Russia v. Czech Republic. Vodka v. Pivo. Them v. Us. Sorry Varly, you’re off our Christmas card list.

What Makes Them Not

1: Is That A Stat, Or A Demographic? Oh harhar, the Avs are 14-17-1, placing them somewhere behind the Oilers and the Sun City Retirement Village Senores Y Senoritas squad. Not that that’s stopped us before from ignominious (look it up) defeat. Still, if you want to get your confidence back but you’re not quite at all confident, why not pick on the smaller kid? Oh that’s right, because it’s douchey. But may also be a path back to Caps believing in themselves again.

2: Deep Thoughts: From future 1-percenter and current forward Michael Cox: “Dale Hunter spent his final year in the NHL with the Avalanche when they went to the western conference finals, but they lost. We traded Varly to the Avs for a 1st round pick next year and a 2nd round pick in 2013 (Thanks Colorado!), Fliechman spent last year with the Avs before going to Florida, Scott Hannan (gone now) the D-man last year came from the Avs.” So…if I’m reading this right, the Avalanche is sort of the Caps dumping ground. Hmmm?  No? Well, let’s dump on them all the same.

Meme of the Night

Anze Kopitar celebrates a goal last year against the Blackhawks. (Photo credit: Harry How)

Editor’s note: You can win a 1-year subscription to ESPN Insider and a $25 gift certificate to Front Page VA by guessing Neil’s first two draft picks tonight. Check out the details on our Facebook page.

As part of ESPN.com’s NHL family, I was invited to participate in their fantasy hockey draft this past Tuesday. Just me and guys like Craig Custance, John Buccigross, and Scott Cullen.

No pressure.

Victoria Matiash has already given a bird’s eye view of the draft, but I thought I would run through my thought process on various picks and give you some ideas for your fantasy draft. Plus, you can see how I do for the season because we are making the results public.

Here were the ground rules for the draft:

Participants included, in original order, Craig Custance, Tristan Cockcroft, Tim Kavanagh, John Buccigross, Pierre Becquey, Michael Hume, Victoria Matiash, Neil Greenberg, Sean Allen and Scott Cullen. Categories include goals, assists, power-play points, plus/minus, penalty minutes, shots on goal and average time on ice for skaters and wins, save percentage and goals-against average for goaltenders. Slots to fill include nine forwards, five defensemen, one “utility” skater, two goaltenders and a five-man bench.

My philosophy was simple: grab young, healthy, talented players with upside. Let others worry if Patrick Kane would be healthy or if Sergei Kostitsyn can once again score 20 goals on less than 100 shots.

I had the eight pick. With my editor Mike Hume drafting before me (he knows which players I fancy) and Cullen having back-to-back picks behind me I knew I had to make strategic decisions.

Not surprisingly, Alex Ovechkin, Steven Stamkos, and Daniel Sedin went in the first three picks. Hume knows I think Corey Perry was no fluke, so the chances of him dropping to me were nil. That left me with Anze Kopitar (who I think will contend for the Art Ross) or Henrik Lundqvist as my first pick. Luckily for me, I got both of them.

My third choice was also an easy one: Duncan Keith. His boxcar stats may have fallen, but he is as fundamentally sound as he has ever been, and he remains my preseason favorite for another Norris-caliber performance.

My next pick caused some raised eyebrows:

Also noteworthy was Greenberg’s choice of Jeff Skinner ahead of Eric Staal. Ranked higher in ESPN.com’s projections, the captain of the Carolina Hurricanes is expected to put up superior numbers across the board. But obviously, Greenberg preferred to put his fantasy faith in the reigning Calder Trophy winner.

Fantasy hockey is about looking forward. While there is no doubt Eric Staal is a 70-point player, Jeff Skinner is (conservatively) a 60-point player who could put up over 70 points next year. So I got a player who may put up five points less or 10-15 points more than Eric Staal. In a rotisserie league with hockey geniuses it was worth the gamble, in my opinion.

I struggled with my fifth pick a little. I had Phil Kessel, John Tavares, and Loui Eriksson queued up but pulled the trigger on Kessel, thinking that one or both of the others would be there for me on my next picks.

I was right about Loui Eriksson, who I took with my sixth pick, but not Tavares, who went three picks before me in round seven.

With Tavares and Matt Duchene off the board, both of whom I think can post 30 goals in 2011-12, I decided to shore up my goaltending and took Jimmy Howard.

A quick note on goaltenders: I only considered drafting Henrik Lundqvist, Pekka Rinne, Cam Ward, Jimmy Howard, or Corey Crawford. Why? Too long to explain here, but I did some analysis on when goaltenders have their breakout season based on age and experience and these five fit the bill. I did the same thing last year and had only two goaltenders on my list: Pekka Rinne and Cam Ward.

In round eight I took Joe Pavelski, which was a solid pick there and then my first miscalculation of the draft came at the hands of Scott Cullen.

I feel Jamie Benn is this year’s sleeper. I think he has 30-goal potential and could end up surprising many people. With my ninth pick I took Evander Kane, thinking Benn would slip past another four picks. Nope.

Cullen: “I’ve been touting Jamie Benn going back to the second half of last year, when his ice time went up dramatically; he’s been my preferred pick as a breakthrough/sleeper forward since. So, by the ninth round, when I had already addressed all my positions to some degree, it felt right to take a young player that has a chance at 70 points. “

If you have a chance to pick up Benn in your league, do it.

Right now. I’ll wait.

It will be him and Eriksson that pick up the slack left by Brad Richard’s departure, not Michael Ryder. In the draft room Hume asked how many of Benn’s goals the last two years came via a Brad Richards primary assist. One. And Richards had only one secondary assist the year before that. Benn is the real deal.

I took Alex Pietrangelo after I misjudged the “sleepiness” of Benn. The D corps looked to be thinning after Dion Phaneuf and James Wisniewski were taken off the board, so I grabbed Pietrangelo. “Good for 45 points, I think he’s a solid fantasy pick.”

Next picks were unremarkable, but ones I believe have some big upside: Erik Karlsson, Tyler Ennis, Patric Hornqvist, Tyler Kennedy, Mikael Backlund, Patrik Berglund, Jakub Voracek and Nathan Gerbe.

I did have two moments of weakness where I got homesick and drafted Dennis Wideman (15th round) and Brooks Laich (20th round).

So there you have it. Be sure to check out how I am doing from time to time. Also, if you would have drafted differently or just want to comment on the draft in general, let us know in the comments.

Semyon Varlamov is going to have to stop being injured, to actually contend for the Calder Trophy.

The Capitals’ Semyon Varlamov has been one of the better rookies in the NHL this season, and he’s certainly in the running to maybe take home the Calder Trophy. Several of the more highly touted rookies haven’t quite lived up to expectations, which leaves the field still wide open. By the nature of these kinds of awards, the winner tends to be the guy who played over his head the most and the longest. That means that the player who is on top now can easily regress and possibly even finish out of the top 10 at the en. Also, since it’s hard to compare players at different positions, the Goals Versus Threshold numbers that Behind The Net recently added are useful to put everyone on the same playing field. A little more than half-way through the season, here are some of the top contenders.

Jimmy Howard (G, Detroit Red Wings)

15-9 with a .927 save percentage and 1 shutout

Howard’s kind of come out of nowhere to take the starting job in Detroit. His GGVT has been +13.7, with another +0.7 on the shootout, for a total of 14.5 Goals Versus Threshold (rounding). The guy has a pretty good pedigree – he holds the NCAA records for GAA (1.19) and save percentage (.954) and he was named to the 2005–06 AHL All-Rookie team – but as a second-round pick from back in 2003, Howard certainly wasn’t someone people expected to be amongst the best rookies in the league this season. While it might be a little unlikely that Howard will be able to keep up this level of performance, if he is able to he might be rewarded with some hardware at the end of the year.

Tyler Myers (D, Buffalo Sabres)

6 goals, 20 assists, +8 plus/minus

The 2008 first-round pick and 2009 World Junior Gold Medal winner with team Canada has been equally good in both aspects of his game with a +3.4 Offensive GVT and a +3.4 Defensive GVT. With an additional +0.3 on the shootout, Myers’ +7.1 Goals Versus Threshold is top amongst all rookie skaters. If the goalies are dinged due to their position, then Myers is in excellent position to capitalize.

Semyon Varlamov (G, Washington Capitals)

12-1 with a .924 save percentage and 2 shutouts

Varly has missed some time, which has cut into his value. His Goalie Goals Versus Threshold is about +7.3 currently, and he’s been very good on the shootout at +2.7. His total GVT of 10 is a little lower than his ability might imply, but if he is able to stay on the ice for the majority of the second half he might be able to push that towards 25 for the season.

Niclas Bergfors (RW, New Jersey Devils)

13 goals, 14 assists, -3 plus/minus

Bergfors was drafted all the way back in 2005, but is getting his first real time in the NHL this year. He’s been good on offense with a +4.7 OGVT, but with a -4.8 relative plus/minus and a +0.8 DGVT his defense leaves a little to be desired. A +5.5 GVT is nothing to sneeze at though.

James van Riemsdyk (LW, Philadelphia Flyers)

10 goals, 16 assists, +5 plus/minus

Drafted second overall in 2007, JVR has done a good job scoring (+4.1 Offensive GVT) and defensively (+5.4 relative plus/minus, +1.3 DGVT), with a total Goals Versus Threshold of +5.4.

John Tavares (C, New York Islanders)

16 goals, 12 assists, -8 plus/minus

The first-overall pick from last year’s draft hasn’t been a dominant player yet. Despite the 28 points and the bad plus/minus, his Offensive GVT is just +2.8. His relative plus/minus is a much more mild -1.8, and his defensive GVT is in the positive territory at +1.0. Add in the -0.5 on shootouts, and Tavares’ 3.3 Goals Versus Threshold is only just OK – and probably a disappointment given the high expectations.

Also in play:

Michael Del Zotto (D, New York Rangers)
5 goals, 16 assists, -16 plus/minus, +2.1 OGVT, -9.7 relative plus/minus, +0.2 DGVT, +2.1 GVT

Evander Kane (LW, Atlanta Thrashers)
10 goals, 6 assists, +3 plus/minus, +1.4 OGVT, +4.6 relative plus/minus, +0.9 DGVT, +2.3 GVT

Jamie Benn (LW, Dallas Stars)
8 goals, 13 assists, -4 plus/minus, +2.3 OGVT, -1.7 relative plus/minus, +0.7 DGVT, +2.5 GVT

Matt Duchene (C, Colorado Avalanche)
11 goals, 16 assists, -12 plus/minus, +2.6 OGVT, -10.1 relative plus/minus, -0.2 DGVT, +1.5 GVT