Doug Johnson of Puck Buddys sells his sword to Russian Machine. @PuckBuddys wants your tweet.

The Pre Game: “And here’s my theory of punctuation. At the end of every sentence there should be a tiny clock that shows you how long it took you to write that sentence.” – Laurie Anderson.

Watching Capitals games is becoming an existential exercise, based on the obscene, neutered device we call the clock. As in: Caps score first by the clock: we lose. Caps trail in the second by the clock: we win. Watch the game, watch the clock; we score first, we lose last.

Call me crazy. Call me late for dinner, but consarnit, the Caps are just not behaving by the clock. Headline from Saturday: Caps Lose, Broadside of Barn Safe! What went wrong? Coach Juggles’ shoot-out changes? The Caps total lacking D?  #BadSasha? #EvilSasha? #HailSatanSasha?

Here’s the thing: Caps, every time you take a lead and blow it, you smoke a tiny bit of our time. Think about that: every game you go forward at the first, only to surrender… you surrender a few minutes of our lives.  The clock is ticking. What will you do with it?

The Puck Drop

Blurf, so here we have to smile and pretend we’re all happy to be in Nashville, America’s mildewed trashcan. Really? You ever look around you while you’re there? Is it Nashville, or Knoxville (home to Wigsphere)? Stickville, Twigville or Branchville? Really Mr. Gore, don’t even try it on me; I’ve toured around Tennessee and found it to be exactly as it seems: stones, swine, and mines. And the occasional Democrat.

So before we start on Smashville, here comes this dump from the NYPost, alleging that the Capitals aren’t as forthcoming on merch as the players union would have. Seriously: this is something GMGM needs to address (or remedy on QVC).

What Makes Them Hot

#1: First line: Colin Wilson (3G-6A-9P), Craig Smith (7G-7A-14P), and Patric Hornqvist (7G-4A-11P). Remember those names. Between them, these three have been steering the Preds to all the victories they can eke out. They’re almost too good for us to note…except for the dreamy Craig Smith.

Mike Fisher

#2: Not line: Line 2 with Sergei Kostitstyn (3G-5A-8P), Mike Fisher (2G-2A-Underwood), and Someone has all but vanished (someone whistlin’ too much country music?) leaving the third line with little more than Tootoo. NoNoo, Jordin Tootoo (0G-3A-3P). As in: fill in your own lame joke.

#3: Last line.  Pekka Rinne (2.28 GAA), long mocked in the NHL, is proving his worth and then some. At .929%, we would bet with this Finn anytime.

What Makes Them Not

Jordin Tootoo

#1: Us: Caps, here you are. You know you’re a better team than the Preds. You know you can outskate just about anyone, including Smith. You know you want vengeance after the Devils. You are pumped. You are ready. Seriously: stop looking at the clock and just win. Close the damn deal.

#2: Them: The Preds are averaging 25.8 shots per game, the mark of a middling team, but they’re at 33.1 shots against, more than all teams but the Dallas Stars and Florida Panthers. Neither of which we choose to acknowledge.

#3 :It Coach Boudreau, you don’t seem to be channeling into your spirit wingding that grants you victory lately. You’re moving, juggling, shifting…what are you doing? Seriously: grip yourself, recognize who you have, and stop getting in your way and theirs. Short bench, long bench, bag skates, optional skates, accountability, or Antiestablishmentarianism – whatevs, you have world-class hockey players. Make it work.

The OT

Sergei Kostitsyn

We’re not expecting great things in this game. Cut our legs and serve ‘em up soup! Serious, we have three road games ahead, and we anticipate spotty play with Greenie out, the Hammer hurting, and Boudreau coming back from Hershey empty-handed.

A loss against the Predators wouldn’t surprise us; the first road game is rarely a win, but more a learn. The slow pace of the October schedule has given way to a very busy November. It seems like we have games almost every other day through Thanksgiving. What time is it? It’s sack grab o’clock.

Existential Time Out

As Kierkegaard said, this world can only be understood if lived backward. And to demonstrate that, look for Peter’s game recap in a mere moments after the final horn. It’s probably already written.

Doug Johnson of PuckBuddys writes for Russian Machine. Tweet tweet.

Anyone who’s had the misfortune to spend time in Ottawa has had the quintessential Canadian city experience: clean, cultured, and quietly disappointing. All the maple doughnuts and Labatt’s in the world can’t hide the fact that Ottawa is as appealing as lap dance from Marcus Bachmann. Puzzlingly, everyone seems mostly OK with this… albeit in a polite, deferential way. Ottawantarians seem to take civic pride in their shared, outstanding blahness. Just look the Senators.

First, there’s that name. Senators. Yeah, it’s a hat-tip to the first Senators to hit the ice way back when, winning a raft of Stanley Cups before moving down to St. Louis (we’d rather live in Ottawa, thank you) and disbanding after just a year. But then was then: how many teams have the word “Knickerbocker”, or “Stockings”, or “Amalgamated” in their names lately? Only in Ottawa (and tiny, deluded pockets of Washington) do people equate the word “Senator” with youthful male athleticism.

Senator

Second, when we think of the Senators, the first people who come to mind are those who aren’t with the team any more. Like the infuriatingly brilliant Jacques Martin, who arguably built up a new team from near scratch and got them Cup-ready, only to be heaved out on his ass by management. Hooray! How’d that work out for you, Sens? Or Mike Fisher, the aging center who, while decent when with Ottawa, we remember mostly for being dreamy. (We hear he’s living with some banjo player down south or something now.) We would continue *cough DanyHeatley cough*, but it’s tedious.

Which brings us back around to the Senators. Boring may be the nicest thing we can say about them. We get that they’re in a rebuilding phase, and that things can get– well– embarrassing. (Like the Detroit Lions for the last… three decades.) Whatever! Being our frosty neighbors to the north, we want to be respectful. But they’re not making it easy.

Daniel Alfredsson

The Senators are off to a slow start this year; rather like the year before, and the one before that. Their home opener had moments of good hockey, and got them a W, but it’s their only W so far. (And Thursday’s collapse to the Avalanche? Someone get me a bucket.)

38-year-old fossil Daniel Alfredsson (2G, 1A, minus-6) may be a short guy, but he’s solid, and turning in some solid performances so far this season. And what does it say about your team when the old man is the hot one – both on the ice, and off. (OK, not everyone gets the whole ‘ginger’ thing.) Newbie Craig Anderson may not be all that in the looks department, but he’s doing alright in the crease. He’s not posting Neuvy numbers, but they’re still at the low end of meh (.853 SV%, 5.07 GAA, 4 GP). And it seems his groin is holding up, unlike Neuvy’s.

Nikita Filatov

Czech winger Milan Michalek has tallied 3 goals and 2 assists so far this season, all the while maintaining his Bel Ami-inspired hair. Chris Neil‘s (1G, 1A) another player to watch during the game, as would have been Nikita Filatov (although for different reasons)until he received his bus ticket to Binghamton, to play on the Sens farm team. Former Caps D-man Sergei Gonchar is in the mix, but he’s done nothing notable since leaving Pittsburgh.

There’s more players we could go over, but why bother? The Senators have just not been able to make it happen offensively (maybe it’s a Canadian thing?) and– as the Avs debacle demonstrated– they’re hardly better on defense. But I dunno, you do just feel for these guys. Perhaps it’s all the crying we hear coming from their locker room? Sorry– make that stifled Canadian sobbing.

So let’s do something Washington has never done before, eh? Let’s just make a lazy, over-paid, over-nourished group of failures feel un-naturally welcome and self-entitled while we watch and laugh at their buffoonish antics, all while being fleeced for the privilege. Unless you get enough of that on C-SPAN. Anyhow – after our first three games (frenzies) of the new season, we’re certainly due to invoke some Senatorial privilege.