The NHL awards are always a weird hodgpodge affair of C-list celebrities and jokes that seemed funny before they were read off the teleprompter, but we got our own slice of specialized absurdity tonight, just for the Caps. In the video below, former Arrested Development star Will Arnett impersonates Brendan Shanahan — bored monotone and all — and disciplines Alex Ovechkin for a parking violation.

…Actually, we can see that happening.

Unfortunately, there were a few glaring errors that must be corrected, because we’re pedantic, fact-checking party poopers:

• First, Ovechkin drives what is basically a sexier Batmobile to games, not a Honda.
• And Mike Green rides a Vespa, thank you very much.
• If you are going to use a Brooks Laich body double, he must be at least four times more handsome than that if he is to pass for Brooks Laich.
• No way Alex Ovechkin has ever driven his car that slow. He’s more of an 88.8 mph / 1.21 gigawatts kind of driver.

And now, let’s let Nickelback play us out!

Monday night, Brendan Shanahan suspended Alex Ovechkin three games for his hit on Penguins defenseman Zbynek Michalek. Tuesday morning, George McPhee announced that Ovi would be pulling out of the All-Star Game and its festivities in Ottawa. “Because he’s a suspended player, he doesn’t feel like he deserves to be there, so he’s not going to go,” McPhee told the gathered media. “He doesn’t want to be a distraction to the event.”

Fair enough. Yet Ovi’s decision to skip All-Star weekend has been met with criticism from some and anger by others. St. Louis Blues winger Andy McDonald tweeted a “a classless move by Ovi ‘opting’ out of the NHL Allstar Game.” What they don’t seem to realize is that Ovechkin has lots of other important things to be doing with his time. First things first, shaving-cream pie Mathieu Perreault.

It’ll be twelve days between when Ovechkin was suspended and when we next see him on the ice, so in the meantime, here are a few things we think he might be up to.

Record his First Solo Rap Album

Featuring the smash hit “Nuthin’ But a Red Light Thang”

Get a New Pet

“Ghera gon’ love this.”

Play Basketball with the Washington Wizards

… and get Flip Saunders fired again.

Go Bird-watching

I saw it! I swear Gah!

Take his Girlfriend, Maria Kirilenko, to Disneyland

And apparently get some new tattoos.

Go to Dinner at the White House

He doesn’t want to be a distraction to this dinner.

Catch Up on “Downton Abbey”

so sick))))

Learn to Eat His Vegetables

Russian machine needs its vitamin B and E!

Start a New Fashion Trend

“I call it: pants on top of pants on top of PANTS.”

Learn to Knit

“Gon’ stich new number hat for Sasha!”

Join the Red Rockers

C-H-A-R-G-I-N-G!

While Shirtless, Present Signed Pucks to Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

Luckily, Chad Kroeger already has a song about being sad about a photograph.

Learn to Drive Safer

“Look, Ted!! No Hands!!”

Play in a Ball Pit

Shortly after this Ovechkin was suspended from the ball pit for three days.

Feed the Ducks

Bruce, is that you?

Additional photoshopping and hilarity by Ian Oland. The kangaroo is all his fault.