Doug Johnson writes for RMNB. He is a Puck Buddy, one of the dudes behind what Puck Daddy calls Blog of the Year 2011. Follow @PuckBuddys on Twitter.

[ring ring]

“Hello, Calgary Epicure Cigar and Pipe, may I help you?”

“Yeah, do you have Prince Alberta in a can? Bwahahahaha!!!”

[click.]

The Puck Drop: So OK, we’re not proud of how we began our New Year. I mean, sure,  it coulda been worse. We could’ve been busted by Johnny Law for something terrible and unimaginable like lighting off illegal fireworks. But, lol, who would do a dumb thing like that? Not us, that’s for sure!

Even though we did have cause to celebrate. Saturday night, when most sensible people were guzzling cheap booze and taking birth control, we were warming ourselves in the comforting glow of the Sony widescreen, watching as Ovi and Nicky and Wides and the rest shook off their end-of-year slumbers and handily downed the Blue Jackets in their own barn; ensuring that for at least the 18,000 gathered at Nationwide Arena it would be a crummy NYE. (Never, by the way, was there a more aptly named stadium for Columbus than Nation Wide.)

And this just after serving up some delicious, ice-cold Retribution Soup to the Sabres and the Winter Classic champion Rangers. Tee-hee, 2012 is starting to look pretty good after all!

But of course now we need to make it stick. 28 apparently cares after all, 19 never stopped, 25 has never been more alive, and 8 is starting to play great again. Which makes us nervous. Like Nicky said afterward, everybody basically needed to start working hard if they wanted to stick it. Just like a resolution, you gotta work at it if you want it.

Which brings us to our semi-ongoing series of self flagellation and improvement we like to call

New Year’s Resolutions

We have two today.

1. We resolve to spend more time talking hockey and less time littering our copy with  pop-culture references, like Alan Ginsberg or Justin Bieber or fat jokes. Prince Albert doesn’t count.
2. We’re going to try and give our opponent’s cities less of a face-washing in the coming weeks. Let’s see how long we last. So in keeping with #1, we come now to…

What Makes Them Hot

1: Class Act. We don’t write that enough, and may not even mean it when we do. But this time… we do. There’s a reason Jarome Iginla was a first round draft pick, and unlike some of his other firsty brethren, he’s proven his quality. 31 points (15G/16A) may not make him a league leader this season, but 40 games played does, which tells us this guy isn’t sitting on his 34-year-old laurels after breaking the 1,000 bar.  He’s a multi-season All-Star, a team goal leader, the first black captain of an NHL team, generous to a fault, and the sorta guy we want to be when we grow up. (Except we’re all growed up, and then some.) And just to prove that some people hit the cosmic lottery, he’s damn good-looking to boot.

Ed. note: Iginla could make this game interesting with another big milestone. Here’s RMNB graduate Neil Greenberg (currently of ESPN.com and The Washington Post) with details:

Olli Jokinen, ostensible human being

2: Jolly Olli. A 33-year-old center with a name that shrieks Suomi! (look it up), Olli Jokinen is the Flames’ point leader (12G/20A) and a much-needed threat for the squad. Generally speaking, Calgary isn’t front-loaded with snipers and hot-shoters (like, um, gosh who could we be thinking of?) and Jokinen is about as close as they come. While he seemed to really find his stride with the Panthers (boo!) and hit a bit of a slide over the last year, this may prove to be the Year of Yokinen. (Hey, it’s how you pronounce it, OK?)

3: Global Warming. The Flames, suitable to their name, ran a little hot this December. Yeah, they may only be 8 for 16, but that counts a slouch at the start and slumph at the end. Like Ohio, they were high in the middle while round at both ends. I’m not a stat-dog, but intuition and too much caffeine tell me that’s significantly different than teams that are hot/cold/ht/cld. Mm-hmmm? One suggests an ability to pull it together; the other, an inability to keep it so.

What Makes Them Not

Roman Horak

1: The Horak Nemisz Shuffle. So back in December Roman Horak was sent down to the Abbotsford Heat while Greg Nemisz was briefly called up. In keeping with our resolution, the nicest thing we’ll say about Nemo is, and we’re quoting, “he’s not a very civilized player.” No he isn’t…so what was really up with all that? Nemisz is gone, Horak is back, and while still nothing very special for the Flames (2G/7A), the whole affair seemed less about line needs and more about getting Horak’s head back in the game. Which is not a very good sign.

2: Road Trip! Tuesday the Flames will be in game 6 of a 7-game road trip. They popped their first two against the Canucks (nice) and the Blue Jackets (like who doesn’t?) but have dropped the last three. Badness for them started in Nassau with a 3-1 humbling by the Islanders. Yugh. Although we weren’t there (“Hey! Let’s all go to Long Island!” are never words that shall pass our lips) it’s safe to say the squad just seemed to give up, with only two who seemed to strap it on: Mikael Backlund (did I spell that rite?) and Tim Jackman. And they haven’t seemed to snap out of it yet, most recently falling 5-3 to the Preds. We proclaim them officially in funk-town.

3: History. We don’t meet up with Alberta’s second-best of two squad often. Our last two meetings, in late March 2010 ended with them topside 5-3, and then later in October with the Caps in the saddle, 7-2. Remember those days? Le sigh. And while basic numbers alone suggest we’re not really much better this season than they are, I sense we are. We’ve got more cannons to unleash, we’ve shown much greater spirit to come back and upend an opponent, and it just feels like the Flames’ hearts aren’t truly in it these days. We’re 3-0 in the last three, while they’re completely reversed at 0-3. Streaks are born to be broken, which is why we aren’t calling either of these a streak, just a trend.

What To Watch For

Up and down. Up and down. Awake and asleep. Fighting and dying. We’re watching for one thing only: are the Caps breaking out of their hot/not bipolar disorder, or no. It’s little things, like a hot check by Ovi, a rifle-shot from Sasha, a kick in the pants from Knooobs (or a kick in someone else’s by Chimmer) that suggest the answer. Nicky and Halpy and a few others we expect will continue to execute every moment, but will the rest of the team?

Today’s Post has been brought to you by the letter C. C for Calgary, and Caps. As in “Caps Can-Do Clobbers Catatonic Calgary.” Resolve to make that Wednesday’s headline. 

Meme of the Night

Additional reporting from  contributor emeritus Neil Greenberg. Read Neil’s work on ESPN.com.

Green scores. Ovi tackles.

DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (All photos by Jeff McIntosh)

Halloween. This is the time of year when the eerie and unlikely are commonplace. This is the season of mists, of despair, of loss.

Nah, forget that. The Caps struggled mightily in the first period with the Calgary Flames. Going down by two goals early on, the Caps looked vanquished. A pathetic power play only hurt our wavering confidence. Maybe we should turn the game off and hit up that costume party after all? Nyet. Nicky Backstrom turned the Caps second power play into a goal reminiscent of ’09-’10′s best, and then the second period happened.

Let’s not mince words. The second period of this game was a bulldozer. The Caps scored six goals, two pairs of those goals coming within 13 seconds of each other. I’d tell you who scored the goals, but it’d take too long. Trust me: it’s everyone you’d expect. And also Dave Steckel. The Flames never came back after those early volleys. Caps beat Flames 7-2.

Thick-sliced, Canadian bullets.

The first period was rough. Matt Hendricks gets throttled by Tim Jackman.

• The Caps continue to tackle their lineup issues. Tonight featured Brooks Laich at second line center, Fleischmann at wing, Hershey’s Brian Fahey on D (replacing an injured Tyler Sloan), Fehr and Perreault scratched, and Boyd Gordon returned.
• Not only did Coach Boudreau shake up the lines, but their zone starts as well. 8-19-28 had none of the Caps’ two offensive zone starts in first period. Once they were unleashed, they scored on both 5v5 chances they had in the second.
• Knowing how the second period would go, we’ve come to grips with Olli Jokinen‘s first-minute goal. The oddest-looking man in the National Hockey League received a great chance from Jay Bouwmeester and placed it on the top shelf.
• Jay Bouwmeester. No comment here, just a fun name to say. Bouwmeester.
• The lasting scar of the first period is seeing the D getting physically abused at every chance.  Somewhere, GMGM watched this solemnly by candlelight, banging his fists on a table made entirely from the hull of a wrecked 16th century slaving ship.
• The Caps’ first power play was the worst ever seen that did not end in a shorty for the other team. The team had precious little offensive zone time and choked up multiple breakaway chances for the Calgary PK unit. Embarrassing. How can they recover?
• The Caps’ second power play resonated like the very best of their man-advantage work. Mike Green fed Nicklas Backstrom a perfectly timed, perfectly placed pass that made the goal look easy. All the kvetching about being out of sync? Forget it.
• The second period of this game deserves its own recap. It was the best period I’ve seen the Caps play in memory. The Caps dominated every stat and even looked great on a long 5-on-3 penalty kill. They scored two goals within twelve seconds, and then two goals within thirteen seconds.  There’s lots of individual accolades to go around, but please consider this a 21-person high five.

• Just twelve seconds apart, Alex Ovechkin scores twice– both on the power play, both on nearly identical shots. Maybe the smelling salts in Canada are stronger; Ovechkin looked uncannily aware tonight, and let the hockey gods pity anyone who must face him like that.
• Brooks Laich as second center? For now, let’s call us undecided.
• A sign of holiday weirdness? David Steckel‘s superlative penalty killing leads to a breakaway, leads to a penalty shot. And the fresh-faced kid nails it like a pro: away with you, water bottle!
• Bringing us back down to earth for a moment, both D.J. King and Hershey’s Brian Fahey looked dumbfounded when passed the puck. The caption goes something like, “what is this strange rubber disc, and why is it on my stick!?!”
• Michal Neuvirth. Takes two goals, puts up the wall. I’m telling you guys; he’s something special.
• For the second time, Nick Backstom shows up on the naughty list for an ugly boarding penalty. Again, very unlike him. Two anomalies does not make a pattern, but we’re going to watch this closely.
• John Carlson, unlike his peers, had a rough night. He had a team-worst CORSI of -11, and might have been the Flames’ best ally in the first.
• Former Cap, Brendan Morrison, deserves a note. He’s started this season, now with Calgary, as strongly as he did last. Brendan has 10 points in 11 games. Good for him!
• Not enough room for everyone’s goals tonight: Mike Green with a beauty, Alex Semin with a beauty. It’s a beauty contest for goals, people. The passing was so dialed in, Calgary didn’t stand a chance.

Joe B's suit-of-the-night

Those who stayed up late on this late, Saturday night, holiday game have been rewarded for their trouble. After throwing out one of the ugliest periods in a long time, the Caps delivered a period as good as they ever have– creating goals not just numerous but lovely.

Have a great Halloween, everyone!

Our intention for RMNB is to discuss all things hockey that fascinate the Washington Capitals fan.   Today is auspicious, for there is nothing more fascinating that the physiological absurdity that is Olli Jokinen.  While he is neither Russian nor a Capital, Jokinen’s pending move from the New York Rangers to the KHL’s Dynamo Minsk NHL’s Calgary Flames is a wonderful excuse for us to marvel at how weird looking he is.

Olli is a high-scoring grunt who has been trapped on middling teams during his 14 seasons in the NHL.   He’s made only two short trips to the postseason, racking up impressive totals in neither.   Despite his impressive points output, the Finnish centerman’s career would be less noteworthy if not for this incident with former Cap Richard Zednik.  Readers, if you’re not into arterial blood spray, feel free to just skip right over this video.

Zed played for Lokomotiv Yaroslavl in the KHL this year, so he and Olli might have a chance to meet skype again.

And now– because you demanded it– here are a bunch of pictures that illustrate how weird-looking Olli Jokinen is.