Early Morning Skate: So, the last time we were here, we were there. Filthy Philadelphia, needing a solid road win, and feeling optimistic to start. In fact, we were all, like, yay here we gowhattheflipwasthat?! and c’mon Holtbeast get it together and then yay Groooouuubsie and boooo Max Talbot grrr grrrr and ow that traffic-cone orange makes my soul weep and that was pretty much the best summary of that ugly mess of a game I can imagine.

Mmmm…tastes like Cheez Whiz

What exactly was it that happened that terrible, cold February night at the F-U Center? Where, exactly, were manimal Troy Brouwer and Captain 8 (despite being probably the best in Red on the ice that night) and John “Towelie” Carlson and the Millionaire and his wife and the nameless rest? Certainly not there to play hard, or at least battle back through a tough start. And why was it, exactly, the Lord Supreme in His wisdom didst create that dung-heap of a burg to begin with?

Now this is our idea of a hot Fly team. Really.

You see, I’d like to chalk up that bumbling bungle of a game simply to our visiting the giant spirit suck that is Philly and its moronic fans. Like to, but cannot. Yeah, there were a couple fluky puck bounces and what-not, but those things give as much as they take. No, what we saw was a failure to launch by the Capitals after a dis-spiriting start. It was not, in any possible permutation of the concept, ‘good.’

The Puck Drop: But it’s Spring, and Easter (for some) or Maru (for others) or Passover or Nowruz or we’re just going to stop this now. Traditionally, it’s a time for rebirth and renewal and rejuvenation and reloading and all that. For the Capitals’ flock, it’s once more the race to the playoffs.

For several years now, the Capitals have demonstrated fine mettle in April, much like the pale gossamer jonquils besotting the landscape, if those jonquils were angry, snarling, forechecking, glass-smashing monsters made of steel and laser beams.

In short, there’s two ways this ends. One: we leave Filthydelphia redolent of Whiz, covered in soot and chagrin; or two, you can eat me Peter Laviolette. No wait, that’s a given. Oh yes; or two, we bounce outta Barftown and kick it into grinder gear for the coming match-ups against the Canes and ugly Islanders (revenge want now) and be the team that showed up to rub Winnipeg’s nose in its own dark, dark shame. I know which one I’m hoping for.

So let’s git ‘er done.

Who’s Hot and Who’s Snot

• Let’s just get this out of the way: what is it with you and first names, Flyers? Maxime? Jody? Zac? Zac?! Fine if you’re a British boy band, but Zac? Ugh, sign two players named Herp and Derp and you’ve got a full house.
• There’s an old adage that goes ‘What comes up must come down’, which is patently untrue if you are helium or the Blackhawks or Lindsay Lohan’s legal bills. We prefer ‘What goes down stays down,’ which we just made up but will use to prove our point. The Flyers haven’t so much been stumbling of late as they have been losing, while the Capitals overall (let’s not quibble, shall we?) have been demonstrating real hockeytude across the squad. The Flyers must therefore lose, QED.
• The Flyers do have some genuine stand-outs – Jakub Voracek and Claude Giroux and a Schenn or something – who can be good deal sealers. But like we saw in their recent outings with cross-town rivals the Pittsburgh Flightless Stenchbirds, the energy and kick appears bottled up in just a few players, while the Pens (and oh how I hate myself for saying this) work well together across the squad, and that was before getting Iggy. We were suffering from this dread condition earlier in the season, too, but have at least mitigated it. Which is better: a few star talents and a bunch of mugs, or a more even distribution of skill? Capitalism or soshulizms? Hmmm?
• I have it on good authority that Jesus would particularly like a Capitals win today.
• To be “fair and balanced” – ha! – it is true that the Crapitals have some players who feel a little like large leaden weights tied around our ankles while we’re trying to swim. Marcus Johansson appears to be skating with one eye scanning for the door. Jeff Schultz (who is probably among the most decent people around, so, sorry) might as well be eating Doritos out on the ice, and Mike Green…oof, where to start. I’ve seen more spunk among members of the Whitehills Senior Center’s “Jeopardy!” fan club. (If you’re reading, Mr. Trebek, I love your show!) Is this a “Tale of Two Teams” moment? “It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.”
• Conventional wisdom – which is never wrong I’ll have you know – has it that Adam Oates has at least one more good year here to show progress before GMGM hits the ejector button, while Coach Laviolette – which actually means “smelly cheese” in French, look it up – has but a few more games. Oooh, everyone’s getting a little snippy, aren’t they? I wonder what could be on people’s minds. I wonder…
• Rough trade. Is what’s on people’s minds, I mean. You know, like the trade deadlines? What…what did you think I meant? Ohhh…and on Easter Sunday, of all days. Hmmph. Oh, one last thing:
• JINX! Jinxjinxjinx. Doublejinx! There, you silly nannies, for those who believe in ‘jinxes’ we’ve just double-finger-crossed the jinx spirits and you can put your delicate little heads to rest now about the PuckBuddys curse, OK?

The Late Line:

While intubated in the emergency room following the Hinckley assassination attempt, President Reagan scrawled a note to one of his nurses. Cribbing from W.C. Fields, it read “All in all, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” It was touch-and-go, but he survived.

On the whole, I’d rather we not have to be in Philadelphia. There should be a law against having to travel there on a High Holy Day, or a birthday, or any day with a “y”. But here we are. At least Jaromir Jagr isn’t around anymore (tee hee.)

Flyers lead early, Caps battle back, 4-3, but close, kids.

(Photo credit: Andre Ringuette)

True story. Guy walks into a bar. He immediately pulls down his pants, starts cursing a blue streak, and vomits on the floor before stumbling out the door. Bartender says: “Hey, I didn’t know there was a Flyers game today!”

The Low Down: There’s no question Philadelphia is cursed with the worst sports fans in the history of everdom, and that includes the Flyers. Their arena smells, their colors look like butt, and those are the nice things we have to say.

Unfortunately, they’re also a consistently solid squad, bringing a hard game to every outing. The Broad Street Bullies may be long gone, but the Flyers remain a serious team – this year included. Unlike the Caps, they don’t need to “get up” for any particular game; they’re ready to play from the first puck drop. Just like Mike Knuble… except for the fact that we adore Kanoobs and hate them. So what’s the secret to their success?

Their Secret Weapon

The Power of Pugly? No, much credit of late must go to coach Peter Laviolette, who in his nine years as NHL coach has lead three teams to the playoffs six times, capturing Lord Stanley’s Cup with the Hurricanes in 2006. You don’t get those results through luck alone.

This is Laviolette’s third season with the Flyers (Hawks’ fans no doubt remember him well) and so far his overhaul of last year’s roster appears to have built on the core Flyers strengths, much as Boudreau and GMGM (to a lesser degree) have attempted for the Caps.

And we suspect this is due in large measure to a truly secret weapon: Flyer scout Patrick Burke. Just one of 15 on the scouting team, Burke is said to have one of the sharpest eyes for talent around. He should… it’s in his genes.

What Makes Them Hot

Chris Pronger

#1: Chris Pronger. A newly minted captain, Pronger is among the most effective defensemen anywhere on ice this season. 1 goal and 4 assists make him 20th in the league in points – not bad for a big rig who’s pushing the upper edges of 30’s. Harder to put your finger on, but we think there’s something about knowing you’re leading your team in the Winter Classic that makes a guy feel a little invincible. And with a name like “Pronger”…well, ‘nuff said.

#2: Jaromir Jagr. Defeating every anti-bacterial effort to make this 38-year-old scab dry up and go away, Jagr is back on the ice, already getting three assists this season, and now we’re facing him again. Given the Caps at-times chaotic performances in the zone (1st period against the Pens’ forecheck, anybody?), Jagr and linemate Claude Giroux could give Tomáš (or Neuvy) (or Holtby) (or Saborin) fits. We know it’s righteous to lay down the Jagr-hate in this town, and why not? He’s a stain. He’s the wanker always trying to “Friend” you. He’s basically the Brinks bank robber with a Munster mullet. 10 shots with no points against Ottawa? Let’s just make sure he doesn’t add any more points to his tally Thursday.

#3: Ilya Bryzgalov. OK, I grew up in Detroit where “z” is considered a vowel, but this guy’s name is still a puzzle. So are his tweets. Obvs a big fan of the Lion King, @bryzgoalie30 reads less like a professional athlete and more like a 10-year-old with Twitterrhea. “Childhood is when you are running from the bathroom in the middle of the night, happy you didn’t get eaten,” are among the updates that make more sense. I do NOT want to see what’s in his bathroom. If there is something about this cat, it’s why he’s been spending so much time in the crease. Boasting a .935% save rate so far this season, he’s not infallible but pretty damn close. Worse, Sergei “Bob” Bobrovsky showed a lot of promise in camp this year, giving Laviolette a choice between good and good.

What Makes Them Not

Brayden Schenn

#1: Zac Rinaldo. Sounding like the dumpy one in a Disney boy-band is Rinaldo, a 5’forgettable, 170-pound pest with exactly 0 goals or assists so far. But he almost gave Kings defenseman Drew Doughty a concussion recently, so there’s that. Sasha may or may not care, but this guy doesn’t even rate: a zero save for his willingness to get in the way of good players. We strongly encourage everyone to ignore this jerk at all costs. Maybe like the recession, he’ll just go away. Oh, wait; he just did, sent packing by Laviolette to the Phantoms. (Were you reading our draft, coach?) But we had so many more Rinaldo jokes! Ugh, called up in his place is Brayden Schenn, which isn’t the best news. Schenn’s a skilled center (8 goals 10 assists last year) who hasn’t seen much ice time lately. Whether he takes Rhino’s spot on the fourth line or bumps someone else will be interesting to see.

#2: Ouch. Still on injured reserve are Blair Betts and Ian LaPerriere, which is too bad for the Flyers because they could use these two. Betts isn’t a big scorer, but he’s consistent, as is right winger LaPerriere, who’s out with post-concussion syndrome. And while technically healthy, Matt Carle just has not been performing up to par.

#3: Phans. You know what’s funny? Booing a Cancer Awareness PSA. Fun-nee! Or laughing at injured players on the ice. Hi-LAR-ious! Or beating up rival fans in the stands. Oh, you scamps! Look, Philadelphia: get over it. Nobody wants to be you, nobody wants to live in you, nobody wants to play for you. You are a colossal super-collider of suck, and everyone knows it. Just save us all the bother, sit down, and shut it.

What To Watch For

On the Caps bench, we may, or may not, have put to rest our sluggish opening stanzas. While it’s hard to argue with 5-0, we’ll take a slug or two anyway (just call us Jay Beagle) – the Flyers are in just about everyone’s top 5 list at the moment, and if we give them an opening, it will be very hard to claw back. It wasn’t just a couple star players that participated in the Senators thrashing, it was most of the Flyers unit. We’re also watching for news on Neuvy’s bad paw.

Over on the jerky side, let’s see where Schenn and if Jody Shelley play – Shelley’s just off one of Shanahan’s five-game suspensions for boarding and just generally being an ass (although technically you can’t really be suspended for that – yet.)

The Only Thing We Share

The good sense to despise the Pens. And the Rangers. And the Devils.