Photo credit: paparazzi.ru

This week, the Caps went 3-1-0 against the Lightning, Hurricanes, Islanders, and Habs, and if you asked someone who they thought was the only team to beat us, they would probably be surprised by the answer. Despite being outshot 77-136, the Caps still managed to outscore opponents 9-7 and take 6 of 8 points. Especially if you blindly ignore that Tuesday ever happened, it was a pretty good week.

Elsewhere in the NHL, a compelling case was made for wearing helmets in warmups, Mrs. Pronger made us sad about Chris Pronger again, Brian Elliott was re-signed in St. Louis, Chara and Alfredsson were named captains of the All-Star Game, Rangers owner James Dolan apparently has no idea the Stanley Cup is not awarded in January, and Ryan Kesler and Alain Vigneault had a lovers’ quarrel.

In case you were wondering the most important question–how does everything in the world apply to the Washington Capitals?–here’s a helpful guide to what’s terrible this week.

Best of the week

• Dmitry Orlov has a pretty hard shot.
• This graphic will be helpful for tonight!
• Terrifying enforcer Karl Alzner fought Steve Downie.
• Alex Ovechkin, rap star.
• Dmitry Orlov’s face after scoring his first NHL goal.
• If you haven’t watched the Rene Bourque Punch-Out Video, watch the Rene Bourque Punch-Out video.

Follow Ana on twitter, or on her blog, you know, if you feel like it, or get really bored.

You know the deal: Doug Johnson. Puck Buddys. Twitter.

The Puck Drop: Well, that was unpleasant, Caps.

That “nervous feeling” we had?  A little too much rest, a little too little regard for the opponent? That, combining with a too many penalties, snapped our garters and our streak. Lookie here, Canada: we tried being nice, and you had to go and dump all over our parade. We obviously need to approach this in a different way.

The Set Up: If you’re anything like us – and frankly, what are the chances of that? – you’ve always had a secret crush on Vancouver. It’s like Portland, but with less smug. And more Olympics. So we were seriously pulling for the Canucks to smear Boston’s smelly faces all over the ice last June, which they didn’t. (They did sort of try to riot, however, which was really very cute.) But now it’s different. City-crush be darned; we want the Canucks, and we want to break them, especially after that Edmonton nonsense with the Jonas Brothers Line, and that brick-wall Japanese netminder of theirs, Kabuki something.

And we just might get them. From last year’s highs the Canucks have fallen… well, not to new lows, but certainly somewhere in the mid-level yawns. 4-5-1 is not the start of a championship season. Pucks on net seems to be the biggest problem; in only 10 games so far they’ve been shut out three times. So….

What Makes Them Hot

1: Duh. We cannot get enough Ryan Kesler. Nor can his fans. Or even Kesler himself, it seems. Did you see the latest loving video of him, “Heart of a Canuck”, rambling around his old home town, getting all weepy about what it means to play in the NHL, blah blah? Cue the Diane Sawyer-soft focus and slo-mo home-movie clips. At least he dressed the part, sporting a t-shirt so tight that we guess it came from the “Childrens” section of Kmart.

2: Twins Lounge. We would like to propose a rule, right now: identical twins shall not be allowed to play on the same hockey team. Or at least, creepy twins. (Maybe if they’re hot… we could go for that.) Seriously, there’s just something not quite right about Henrik Sedin and Daniel Sedin. They share everything: the same beady eyes, same scraggly beards, and unfortunately for us practically the same performance on the ice – 3 or 4 goals (depending on which Sedin you’re talking about) and 8 assists so far. That, and they’re totally using their special Wonder Twin powers of telepathy during games, which we consider cheating. As long as they’re on the ice, they’re a threat.

3:  They Don’t Have a #3. They’re that bad. However, previously we did write about some of their prettier players. Click here if you want to sigh longingly while at your desk.

What Makes Them Not

1: Roberto LOLongo. And we thought we’ve had goalie drama… All the glass groins in the league couldn’t add up to the conflama (conflict + drama) that has swirled around the Canucks #2 netminder. One day you’re a hero, the next you’re a goat. Just ask Lou. His numbers have genuinely been awful this year; he stunk up Rexall Place so badly that Alain Vigneault pulled him after 26 in the second period. Arguably it’s not all his fault – even his teammates say as much when they talk about needing to get more offensive and defensive support. Still, that hasn’t stopped him from becoming a punchline. “Hey Roberto – why the Luongo face?”, that sort of thing.

Over on the Twitter he’s getting a virtual pantsing, which really isn’t that uncommon for any player these days, but we’re just piling on. And as long as we’re piling on, Roberto’s long term contract (Zillions (CAN) through 2018) may be the only thing that could make the federal budget deficit look reasonable and manageable.

2: Under Over: The geniuses over at Nucks Misconduct write: “The “combined” plus/minus of Kevin Bieksa and Keith Ballard, good for #646 and #647 in the entire National Hockey League, out of 649 players.” Now admittedly, we’ve never really payed much attention to +/- rankings, especially in sentences that don’t seem to have any active verbs. But it gave us a chance to look a little more closely at these two. Bieksa and Ballard each have exactly 1 point this entire season (an assist for Bieksa and goal for Ballard) which, even for defensemen on a sputtering team, is sad.

Crash the Net: We’re still pissed at Timmy Thomas and company for making Ryan Kesler cry.  Hey – Ryan doesn’t care. Maybe Ryan didn’t want your stupidy, stinky Stanley Cup anyway. So there. But say what you will about RK, he was responsible for the biggest traffic day ever over on PB. And we can’t mention the Canucks without a stick tap to two pals who follow the team: our pal Tom who covers them for our humble little site (and who was responsible for the monster RK traffic), and Thom (note the adorable Canadian spelling), one of the sharpies who manages Canucks Army.

As Seen on TV:  For your viewing pleasure, our freinds at CSN, and their spiffy suits, will bring you the game in living color at 10:00pmET. So let’s have a sleepover and giggle the night away on the twitters. We’ll make popcorn, build pillow forts, tell spooky stories (“The call is coming from upstairs!  And it’s Zdeno Chara!!!!), We’ll dish about boys compare notes on PIM, ATOI, S%, and OMG.

For readers with access to the CBC, the game is featured on Hockey Night in Canada, and that could mean Grapes and Milbury. Consider yourselves warned:  Dangerous mold has been known to spontaneously grow on TV screens, so you may want to consider outfitting your sleepover guests in hazmat suits / PJs.

#Chimdog. (Photo credit: Mitchell Layton)

Something just doesn’t seem right when you see Jason Chimera among the league leaders in goals scored.

Ryan Kesler's mystery leg muscle

You expect it from Ryan Kesler Phil Kessel, who has scored over 30 goals each of the last three years. He has three in the season’s first two games and a muscle on his thigh I don’t really think exists, but I digress.

(I obviously had Kesler’s dreamy, muscular thighs on the brain and meant Phil Kessel, but I’ll leave Mr. Thigh Muscle up for your enjoyment. — Neil)

You expect it from Anze Kopitar, who I felt was an instant MVP candidate the moment they acquired Mike Richards.

But when Chimera is ahead of Alex Ovechkin in goals scored, you know things are a little wacky.

Chimera, of course, is not really known for his finishing ability. He’s a speedy, third line winger with an average shooting percentage of 7.8 percent over the past two seasons.

And no, Chimera will probably not be a 20-goal scorer.

Chimera has scored 101 goals on 1095 shots over his career. That means we can be reasonably sure (95%) that his shooting “talent” is between 7.5 and 10.9 percent. At this talent level he would need to take between 183 and 266 shots (two to three per game) over the course of an 82-game season to finish with 20 goals. He has averaged 161 shots the past two seasons.

It’s doubtful he continues at a five shot-per-night pace, but it is likely he ends up around two shots per game, which would mean he needs to be at the upper level of his finishing talent to have a shot at 20 goals scored.

Overall, I put his chances at 3.2% to be at 20 goals or more so enjoy Beast Mode while it lasts, Chimdog.

Photo credit: Ethan Miller

Wednesday was a night of hardware in the NHL as the league’s annual awards show took place in Las Vegas. The night’s biggest winners? Corey Perry of the Ducks picked up the Hart, Ryan Kesler of the Canucks hoisted the Selke, baby-faced Jeff Skinner of the ‘Canes took home the Calder, Stanley Cup champion Bruin Tim Thomas won the Vezina and Washington fan favorite Disco Dan Bylsma of the Pens presented with the Jack Adams Award.

So how did the Capitals fare?

Alex Ovechkin was named to the NHL’s second all-star team while John Carlson was honored with a spot on the all-rookie squad. Via Nate Ewell, this is the first time in five years Ovechkin has not held a spot on the first-team, ending his record streak to start a career.

As for the trophies, Brooks Laich finished 11th in Selke voting as best defensive forward (0 first-place votes, 1 second, 2 third, 4 fourth, 7 fifth); Bruce Boudreau placed sixth for the Jack Adams as top coach (2-3-7); Carlson (3-3-16-12-21) and Michal Neuvirth (0-0-0-1-1) were fifth and 14th respectively for the Calder as best rookie; George McPhee finished sixth for GM of the Year (2-4-3); Mike Green was edged out by the Kings’ Dustin Brown for the NHL Foundation Player Award for charitable work; finally, Ovechkin came in 15th for the Hart as MVP (0-0-0-4-7).

Sadly, none of the Capitals were in Vegas leaving us unable to critique their red carpet photos. Yes, none of this this year. No awkward tension between Sid the Kid and the Great Eight either, though Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf filled the void. Since everybody loves “comedian” Jay Mohr, we leave you with one of his few funny moments of the night.