Image by Cook the Chef

Welp, this is less than fun now, but we’re freaking obligated. The thing about making public predictions is that when you (and by you, I mean me) get ‘em wrong, it’s really embarrassing. I picked just 3 winners out of 8, so basically I’m worse than a coin-toss. I’m having self-worth issues right now. Meanwhile, Ian, used some blind freaking luck to get 5 out of 8. And we’re both emotionally unstable right now.

Let’s do it!

First a look back at our predictions from the last round.

Peter: 37.5% (Peter picked the following losers: VAN, NYI, MTL, WSH, TOR)
Ian: 62.5% (Ian picked the following losers: ANA, VAN, WSH)

(But if you count number of games, I was totally closer than Ian, so there take that, nyah nyah.)

Chicago Blackhawks (#1) vs Detroit Red Wings (#7)

Peter: Ooh baby, I’m looking forward to this one. It seems to me that no matters who is on the Red Wings roster, they’re still somehow imbued by the spirit of Detroit hockey. Lidstrom is nowhere in sight, and they’re still a responsible team that does whatever they need to do to be strong on the puck. But the Blackhawks are the same team that ran away with regular season while the Caps still had a hard time lacing their skates. Chicago is the probably the most fun to watch, and I’m going to enjoy watching the Hawks win it in 6.

Ian: Let me first preface this with I hate hockey. Like utterly, completely, entirely. I just frigging hate hockey right now. Gary can go kick rocks for paying the officials off to let the Rangers win. Whew. Okay that’s out of my system, let’s roll some more NHL playoff dice! First of all, I think the Chicago Blackhawks are easily the better team in this series. That’s why I’m picking the Red Wings to win it. They’re old. They’re crafty. And like that old fisherman guy with the one-dollar bill hooked on his fishing rod, you can’t take the puck from them.

Wings in 6.

LA Kings (#5) vs San Jose Sharks (#6)

Peter: San Jose is a team unfairly maligned for being past their peak. I didn’t think they’d make the second round, but I don’t think they’re a slouch either. But still, the Kings are my pick to take the Cup, and they’re gonna bombard the Sharks into oblivion. In the Battle of California, I predict a slaughter: Kings in 4. It’s a Peter Hassett Sweep Special! Take it to #thebank!

Ian: I’m still really confused on how the Kings finished their season as only the #5 seed. They are a better team than that. A dominant one in fact. While the Sharks easily handled the Canucks in the first round, they will struggle big time in this series. And why? Because like the Capitals, they are physically and mentally unable to get over the proverbial hump, or I guess unbeaching themselves or something. Kings win in 6.

Pittsburgh Penguins (#1) vs Ottawa Senators (#7)

Peter: The league’s most exciting offense versus the regular season’s best goaltender. I really thought the Islanders could have skated the Pens into oblivion, but I failed to predict the rescue run of the Vokeswagon. Tomas Vokoun descended on Long Island like a grumpy old bald guy who sometimes plays goalie, and wouldn’t-ya-just-know-it, he did just that! I think the Penguins will wisely stick with Vokes, rendering MAF an eternal escape goat, and they’ll pull ahead of a frugal Ottawa team. Penguins in 6.

Ian: As much as I hate everything about the city, the people, and the players on this team, the Penguins — even despite Fleury’s current struggle with Jim Carey syndrome — managed to win in the first round. Like I said in my first set up picks, I love the Senators as a team. While they play some great hockey, these throwback warriors will have nothing against these ugly flightless birds. Pens in 6.

Boston Bruins (#4) vs New York Rangers (#6)

Peter: I’m not watching this series. I’ve watched 21 gull-darn playoff hockey games between these teams and the Capitals in the last year, and I’ve enjoyed very little of them. I hope they grind themselves into actual hell. I hope it’s pest vs. pest. I hope Lundqvist stands next to Rask at some point so we can marvel at the entire attractiveness spectrum of human males. I don’t care who wins so long as everyone does a good bit of suffering. Neither of these teams is a winner according to the definition of winner I made up just now. Bruins in 7. But in a parallel universe, the Caps are about to beat the Maple Leafs in 5 games of wide-open, dynamic hockey that has every fan in both countries’ smiling. Ugh.

Ian: I wish nothing but the worst for both of these teams. Like I hope both teams get the stomach flu and spend all game projectile vomiting at each other. That’s how I feel. My one key match-up is between Pierre McGuire’s favorite player in the NHL, All-American American Ryan Callahan, and free-style diver Brad Marchand. Who will out-pest the other? Who will flop more than Shane Battier? I’m not really sure who will — it’s impossible to predict — but I do know one thing for a fact. If these guys skate towards each at full speed and crash into each other at center ice, all bad things that have happened in life will become good, kinda like this Coldplay video.

Bruins in 4. Because it makes no sense at all.

Please share your predictions or just mock us for ours below.

Tuesday night begins the best part of the entire year. Eight best-of-seven series start today– with all the rivalries and drama and bad blood that come along with ‘em. Expect big games every night and fresh fallout every morning. Playoffs, baby.

As RMNB’s creators, Ian and I thought we’d ramble on about our predictions for the first round and put our necks on the line. I do not recommend you take any of our guesses to #thebank.

Minnesota Wild (#8) vs Chicago Blackhawks (#1)

Peter: I’m still astonished the Wild even made the postseason (#lumbus). I guess Parise might steal one game, but this is all Chicago. Blackhawks in 5, because they’re awesome on both ends of the ice. If any series goes to a sweep, it’ll be this one.

Ian: I first want to preface this with, I haven’t watched any West team play an entire game all year. So not only will my analysis be worthless, but I’ll probably get all of my picks 100% correct. So the Blackhawks are proven performers. They are made up by a gritty forward who is also a fearless leader (Toews); a dude who is a great scorer, probably drinks too much, and played under Dale Hunter (Kane); and a guy who’s won the Norris (Keith). Sure the Wild have Parise (which kinda rhymes with parcheesi) but this is going to be a war for them — and they’re on the wrong side of Pickett’s Charge. Blackhawks in 6.

Detroit Red Wings (#7) vs Anaheim Ducks (#2)

Peter: Sorry, Bruce. You’re getting first-rounded. Red Wings in 6. If the kid’s in net, make it 5.

Ian: The advanced stats say no, but my heart says yes. Boudreau and his Ducks continue their improbable run, riding some awesome play by their hall of famer. #TeemuForever in 5.

San Jose Sharks (#6) vs Vancouver Canucks (#3)

Peter: Congrats to this series for being the one I care about least. I want the Canucks to lose to see Alain Vigneault fend off the rabid Canadian hockey press with a broken chair leg, but I have a feeling they’ll squeak by. Canucks in 7.

Ian: The Canucks are that team everyone wants to pick but they always come up just a little bit short, like a preteen in line for a roller coaster. This season will be no different, but I think they’ll take care of business in the first round quickly. Canucks in 5.

Los Angeles Kings (#5) vs St Louis Blues (#4)

Peter: The Kings are my pick to win the Cup. Kings in 6. Quick might be able to put some Holtby-esque numbers up in this one, though STL is no slouch.

Ian: Look at the Kings’ possession stats. Just look at them. History has smiled upon a team that just owns the puck like the Kings do. While the Blues are a brilliant young team with a talented Russian that I pull for (Tarasenko), the defending champions will be too much for them to handle. Kings in 7.

New York Islanders (#8) vs Pittsburgh Penguins (#1)

Peter: This one should be fun to watch. John Tavares will shoot fireworks at MAF, who shouldn’t be Pittsburgh’s escape goat again this year, but he’ll give up enough to make up for whatever hockey majesty Crosby and Malkin unleash at the other end of the ice. If I were Fox Sports, this would be my Upset Special. Islanders in 7. Crosby for Lindsay though.

Ian: I don’t think I even need to offer an explanation. Penguins in 4.

Ottawa Senators (#7) vs Montreal Canadiens (#2)

Peter: Craig Anderson is scaaaaary, but I’ll give the edge to the Habs because I learned my lesson about doubting them back in 2010. I’m expecting PK Subban to bust out more dick moves than a [joke redacted]. Canadiens in 6.

Ian: I love how Ottawa’s built, and I especially love their forwards: Erik Condra, Mika Zibanejad, and Cory Conacher. These are tough forwards, guys who can score any way you can imagine. I think this will be a long series, but Montreal will eventually lose. Senators in 7.

New York Rangers (#6) vs Washington Capitals (#3)

Peter: My feeling is the Caps will get stonewalled on too-few power plays, but they’ll get the win in 6 regardless based on the strength of the hairy dude in net, who will put up a 93% save percentage. Plus, Jason Chimera will score big– Druce Mode. Capitals in 6.

Ian: I always tell my friends, the playoffs never make any sense, especially for the Capitals. You would expect the Caps to win this easily just because of how they’ve played lately, but I’m leery of such an assumption. I think the Rangers find a way to control Ovechkin, but the Caps’ tertiary scoring will come to the rescue. Also, four goals from #52 who will earn a new moniker: Series Over. Capitals in 6.

Toronto Maple Leafs (#5) vs Boston Bruins (#4)

Peter: I think most people think this is a lopsided match-up, but I’m a little cool on the Bruins (overrated dot com). I mindlessly predict this will be a high-scoring series (sorry Rask, sorry Reimer), and the Leafs win it in 7.  Because the playoffs are weird, and the hockey media machine wants this. I’m totally anticipating a bevy of War Room conspiracy theories erupting from this one.

Ian: I know Leafs fans are excited to be back in the playoffs for the first time since the lightbulb was invented, but, after seeing them get demolished live by the Capitals a few weeks ago, I’m not even sure they can win one game in this series. Not only are the advanced stats against them, they were built by a guy who would make trades just to make trades. Tyler Seguin will show that he has the stuff to be a superstar during this round of games. #BostonStrong. Bruins in 5.

Please share your predictions below.

No team has given the Washington Capitals more trouble this season than the New York Rangers. Those 6-0 and 7-0 shutouts pushed some Caps fans into spiritual desolation, broke up several marriages, and probably killed a house cat or two. Fitting then that the Caps and Rags should meet in this first round of the playoffs. You know that old Klingon proverb, right? Revenge is a dish best served by two guys from Russia named Alex.

We were scoreless through two periods when Rangers newbie Matt Gilroy caught a pass from Brandon Prust and beat Michal Neuvirth. With only six minutes and change left in regulation, Alex Ovechkin’s repeated swats forced the puck past Henrik Lundqvist’s pads. And then, after nearly nineteen minutes of overtime hockey and with fatigue setting in, Jason Arnott intercepted a bad clear from Marc Staal and set up Alex Semin for the game-winner. It took damn near eighty minutes, but the good guys pulled it out: the Caps beat the Rangers 2-1 (OT) and take a 1-0 lead in the series.

• Tip your hat to bench boss Bruce Boudreau, who managed shifts in this marathon match capably. No Capitals player clocked over 29 minutes (but Nicky Backstrom came darn close with 28:56) . That might have made the difference when you consider it was the gaffe of New York’s own ice-leader, Marc Staal (33:48), that led to the OTGWG.
• Thanks in large part to a dominant first period, the Capitals led scoring chances 21 to 14.
• The Rangers recovered to put some rubber against Michal Neuvirth eventually, but he turned away nearly all comers as if this weren’t his first post-season NHL appearance. 24 saves. That’s certainly good enough for another start if we’re still talking about such things.
• Neuvirth speaking to CSN about the win: “We just had fun out there.” Now isn’t that a much better credo than “Stay Angry”? Joy leads to success more than crankiness does, and I’m saying this as a professional cranky person.
• Mike Green‘s first game since the late eighties was a success, but he was on ice for half of the Rangers’ scoring chances and the Rags’ only goal. Still, @GreenLife52 at 100% health in the postseason is a sight we’ve not seen before now. Look out for this guy on Friday.
• Brooks Laich went 13-for-18 on the faceoff, but he was perfect until I jinxed him. My bad, Brooksy. Owe you a coke.
• There are few players that combine size and grace like Jason Chimera. If only he could add shooting accuracy to his arsenal. Chimmer had three pristine scoring chances: each missed by a country mile.
• The “Crash the net” refrain isn’t just something cute and gimmicky to shout; it’s a battle plan. NYR goalie Henrik Lundqvist is apparently immune to long bombs, so close combat was the only way to win this one. Alex Ovechkin‘s contribution to the history of crashed nets was a greasy, smash-mouth, ugly mess– but didn’t it just bring a tear to your eye? The video review and delay– they were just theatrics to enhance the story you’ll be telling all day tomorrow.
• When Ovechkin nailed Brandon Prust up high after that goal, disaster loomed. But these aren’t the Capitals of old, and the penalty-kill unit has learned one important new skill: THE SHUTDOWN.
• And then there’s Alex Semin. Bad Sasha, Good Sasha. He committed a hooking penalty so typical, we might think he were caricaturizing himself– like he had been watching old tapes of Andy Kaufmanor something. But under the kindly tutelage of Jason Arnott, Alex Semin found redemption. That game-winning goal was his first post-season marker in two playoff series, since the last time the Caps met the Rangers (which was back in the early eighties).

Joe B's suit of the night (thanks, @philo4th!)

There’s so much more to talk about from this super-sized game: Nicky Backstrom’s ever-lengthening drought, Jason Arnott’s underrated forecheck skills, how John Erskine is liable to kill a human being on national television at some point during this series– but we’re gonna leave it there for now. After all, it’s going to be a loooong post-season.

The Capitals played 80 minutes of gritty, character-revealing hockey. They didn’t get lazy and reckless when they reached exhaustion. Their best players were their best players (whatever that means), and they secured a meaningful victory. I’ve just marked the first of many tallies on the big board. 15 to go.

The Caps now lead the quarterfinal series 1-0, and the Red Army has another battle scheduled for Friday night. Russia’s finest expats will be there, in heart of the nation’s capital, flanked by their brosephs and cheered on by 20,000 unshaven crazy people.

Crash it.

Additional reporting by Neil Greenberg.

Springtime was magical. Puck fans watched with rapt attention as the Capitals overcame a 3-game deficit to beat the Rangers, and we felt like we were living in charmed times. ”Could this be the year the Caps actually do it?”, we would whisper to ourselves in quiet corners.  The team never looked better than it did during those last four games against New York, and we wondered how far it could go.

We would gather at our friends’ houses, donned in red, and we would cheer the team from afar.  Tickets were just too darn expensive, so we’d need to pick our game well. Not attending wasn’t an option. The team was too good to miss. Semyon Varlamov had risen from obscurity to become the Kerri Strug of goalies (that is, lithe and successful). The trifecta of Semin, Ovechkin, and Backstrom had turned D.C. into a veritable hero city. Mike Green and his ever-shrinking mohawk was weaponeering his defense. And a young team rallied around its senior Russian, Sergei Federov.

So when the Caps moved up two games over the Pittsburgh Penguins in the conference playoffs, we knew it was our time. We would secure tickets to the Caps Stanley Cup finals. But everything started to go pear-shaped, and we began to worry if such a series would arrive at all. The Pens snatched the next two games, and we were in a pickle.    My friends and I advanced our schedule and procured tickets to the tentative game seven of the Pens-Caps series.

For a while, we wondered (half relieved) if those tickets might not be used at all. The Caps might seal the deal at Mellon Arena, and we’d have to wait to see them in the finals. Tiny anthropomorphic Cups named Stan began to dance in our dreams, but soon the boys began to slip. Malkin and Crosby no longer seemed immune to Semyon Varlamov’s goalie fu, and worse– the team began to drag on the ice. Even senior puck statesman Sergei Federov could no longer summon GWGs out of thin air. Washington had fought tooth and nail to get a game seven, and they only sealed the deal because David Steckel managed to find a lucky gap during OT of game six.

So we had a date with Verizon Center. And destiny. May 13th came upon us like a rabid badger laced up in dull ice skates– which means it was real tense. Leaving my capacious family estate (read: two-bedroom cape cod) in Frederick, I made my way to the Shady Grove Metro station. Covered I was– in red and anxiety alike.

Rock the red (line from Shady Grove to Chinatown.)

The red line to Chinatown was redder than it has ever been. I tell you this, my friends: you will never experience shared fraternity like among the passengers aboard that train. Solemn nods and fist bumps occupied us during our pilgrimage.

Exiting onto F Street, I was greeted by a marching band beating out syncopated tunes of glory. One bulky gentleman-fan chose to brave the brisk temperatures of May and go shirtless– his chest smothered in red paint save for a hairy white “8″ on his back. My repulsion was matched by an equal measure of excitement. This was my first Caps game since the lockout and the early, salad days of Jaromir Jagr’s tenure. I’ve seen many Redskins games, but the fanatacism at Landover was always tempered by a smattering of self-effacement. Here in Chinatown I was among true believers, folks who were genuinely inspired by the happy few we were about to watch. On the street walked only a few Penguins sweaters, the bodies therein keeping a cautious distance from packs of wild Caps fans running wild in the street.

Our seats were less than ideal, somewhere in Verizon Center’s 400 section, but they were not quite as high as our spirits. If the Capitals’ play could only match our verve, we’d be champions for sure. Little did we know that the fates and furies had been conspiring to collectively defecate on our victory parade.

Vantage point to disaster.

Twenty minutes in and the Capitals seemed to lost somewhere in the locker room. Sidney Crosby, the purse-lipped diva of the Penguins, had netted the first mark of the night during a power play. Surely, we thought to ourselves, the Caps could come back in the second period. Where was Mike Green’s slapper from the blue line? Where was Alexander Ovechkin’s bull rush offense? Where was Brooks Laich’s Unbearable Laichness of Being? Surely, these offensive secrets were hiding somewhere in the second period.  Right?

Reader, they were not. Inside the seemingly endless middle frame lived three more Penguin goals by three other players, as if they intended their goal summary to double as the team’s roster.

In those closing minutes of the second period, my friends and I breathlessly buttressed one another.  ”This is where epic comebacks are mounted.  The story you tell your grandchildren on your deathbed, the one about The Great Eight and his unpunctuated double-hat trick to beat the Penguins– it starts here and now.”  For a sixtieth of second, we almost believed it. The Caps offense might still have something for us.

And they did. It was this: the lamest goal ever.

That was the first time I saw Alexander Ovechkin score in person. The game summary says Alex was unassisted, but I clearly saw Marc-Andre Fleury PASS HIM THE PUCK. This was the man who brought us the superhuman athletics of The Goal, but now he brings such measly offerings– skating the puck into an empty net at the blistering speed of meh. But the suckers we were– we exploded into conniption fits like Japanese kids watching Pokemon. I’m sorry. I didn’t know any better.   I was just relieved to see some sign of life from the undead Caps.

I cannot accurately relate to you the mood at the Phone Booth during the second intermission.  I remember only fleeting feelings, confusion chief among them. Some fans adopted a familiar Washington defense mechanism (“the bums can’t play!”), and others were filled with bewilderment and sympathy. Everyone was sure of one thing: Something is wrong in the District of Columbia.

It would be another day or two before we knew the full story. Much of the team had the flu. Mike Green had a separated shoulder, which explained his erratic slapshot performance. Alexander Ovechkin was skating on a broken toe or somesuch pain. Jeff Schultz played with a broken rib. Semyon Varlamov, now pulled from the net, could not have been more mentally broken down if he were subjected to the Ludovico technique. The playoffs had deconstructed and destroyed the Capitals’ health. They were now playing hurt, running off fumes against the lubed-up hockey machine from Steeltown.

I don’t have the heart to detail for you the goings-on of the third period. I can tell you there was a double minor, another Crosby goal, and an arena full of despondent fans. Even TheHornGuy‘s emphatic fanfares could not bring back the magic.

But a curious thing happened in those final minutes of the Caps’ not-quite-Cinderella season: Applause. It started modestly– a few die-hards who wanted the bench to hear their commitment. Then it spread. By the final minute of play, Verizon Center erupted into standing ovation: an expression of gratitude and admiration for the season then ending. The Washington Capitals pushed themselves as far as they could go and found the brick wall at the worst possible time. It happens, but it doesn’t make them less heroic. The final buzzer was drowned out by a sea of redshirts congratulating their team. Final score: 6-2.

I have a confession to make. I’ve been to about  two dozen Caps games since my teens, and I’ve never seen them win. Not once. Not during the storied spring of ’98, not at the 2000 home opener, not at game five of the ’01 series against the Penguins, and during Jagr’s sentence in Washington. You can blame the Capitals’ collapse in May on a lot of things, but we can all agree that some blame falls on my shoulders. For this, my fellow fans, I apologize.

Hard to Stomach looking at this... again. (AP Photo)

But here we are, many months since May, facing off once again against the Pittsburgh Penguins. They who handed us our most humiliating defeat last year will likely try to do so again.    But we are a team renewed.  The 2010 Caps are made of concrete, a tightly knit unit that know how to face adversity.  We all know that every path to the championship goes through Pittsburgh. Without the absolutes of injury and exhaustion facing our favorite team, tomorrow’s decision resides entirely with the question of Character. Who’s got it, and who does not?

Alex, Alex, Nicky, Mikey, little Michael, Brooksy, Brandon, Nasty, Davey, the two Tommies, Tyler, Shoane, Theo and the rest are likely snug in their hotel beds by now. Maybe little Stanley Cups are dancing in their heads. When they wake up Thursday morning, Coach Bruce would do well to remind them of the lessons of May 13th.

Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose.