Russian Machine Never Breaks » Unibrow

Pretty Much the Best Caps Art Ever

Peter Hassett — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 20:57:08 +0000

From the artist's private collection

The outpouring of creative energy from Capitals fans continues in a very special way. To brighten up this already-sunny Friday afternoon, RMNB reader Sara Bae contributes these pen and ink illustrations done in the style of Napoleon Dynamite. Sara was kind enough to share these images of the Capitals’ Soviet bloc: Alex Ovechkin, Alex Semin, and Semyon Varlamov.

If you’ll please follow me, we shall begin our guided tour of the Russian Machine Never Breaks Portait Gallery and Nacho Eatery. Please refrain from feeding the bonobos freely wandering the hallways.

Here we see Capitals captain and the Russian Machine himself, Alexander Ovechkin. Observe if you will his carefully tussled locks, sketched with loving detail by the artist. The devilish glint in Alex’s eyes suggests a familiarity with the observer, perhaps an intimacy transgressing the professional distance of the artist’s gaze. Alex’s eyebrows are not separated by any bare skin, an allusion to both the personal upkeep habits of Russian men and the “Captain Caveman” notoriety that follows this player.

Ms. Bae comments about her work, “it took me like three hours to get the shading right on Ovi’s upper lip. These are probably the best drawings I’ve ever done.” Indeed, madam. Indeed.

Global sex symbol Alexander Semin is next on our gallery tour. Notice the prominent proboscis on Sasha, a traditional indication of virility and sensuality. The strong chiaroscuro shadowing on Semin’s right cheek imbues the subject with mystery: what is hiding from us? Is he dangerous? The figure’s hair is longer in the back than it is in the front, employing an obscure, traditional Italian hair style known as il mulletino. Semin’s lips are pursed, balancing his standoffish, pensive attitude with an air of femininity.

The artist clearly demands that we treat Alex as a whole person with manifold facets. He confounds us, flusters us, enrages us; and finally, he seduces us.

There are few subjects in the fine art world as contentious as Semyon Varlamov. It is as loaded with hidden meaning as much as any pieta, and therefore, a semyona image must be considered within its historical context. Illustrated sometime in the late March or early April periods, this work of art captures the wunderkind in a transitional phase. The artist chose not to adorn Varlamov with his traditional unibrow appearance, perhaps a cynical commentary on the transience of youth? The figure’s undersized eyes unsettle the audience, creating a tension that can be resolved only by looking away. His grotesque ears and the bags under Varly’s eyes make the artist’s contempt for the subject unmistakable. Alex Ovechkin’s machismo and Alex Semin’s pansexual inscrutability are wholly absent, leaving a clear message. The artist is a Theodore fan.

This concludes our walking tour. Please thank Sara, who assures she is actually a terrific artist (and we believe her), in the comments below. Finally, remember that the RMNB Portait Gallery and Nacho Eatery is supported entirely by patron contributions (also a dubious Sham-Wow reselling racket). Feel free to share your masterworks with us and the world.

Russian Machine Sometimes Breaks: Your Daily Caps Injury Update

Peter Hassett — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:46:22 +0000

I hope you’re sitting down, because I’ve got some bad news: The Caps have injuries!

Unibrowed wonder Semyon Varlamov is out with a groin injury, which could keep him out for a week or longer (WP). Groin injuries are particularly troublesome to goalies, and this one could be even worse for an acrobat like Varly. Russian Machine has sent Varlamov detailed illustrated instructions on how to appropriately ice a groin. In the meantime, Jose Theodore will start in net and should be backed up by Mike Neuvirth. Jose Theodore has shown renewed gusto this season, manifested in a lightning-fast glove hand and multiple 30+ save games. We love Neuvirth like we love all of our Calder Cup-winning Bears, but the sooner he’s back above the Mason-Dixon line the better.

Brian Pothier (+11 plus/minus rating so far this year) left halfway through the Sabres game on Wednesday with an injury to his ribs. Tarik El-Bashir quoted coach Boudreau: “It’s one of those injuries that I don’t know how long he’s going to be out for. It could be one week [or] it could be six weeks. Rib injuries are so difficult to figure out. But he’s a tough kid and I know he’ll battle through it, and as quick as he can, he’ll be back.” Brian’s injury may force the Caps to depend even more on an already over-leveraged Mike Green.

If you were honestly expecting an update on Boyd Gordon today, I don’t even know how to talk to you.

Mike Knuble is expected to return tonight after nearly a month out of commission with a broken finger. If you recall, Kanoobie tripped over Minnesota Wild goalie Josh Harding, narrowly avoiding a faceplant at the cost of his shooting hand. Before that, Mike had done a terrific job assimilating into the team and filling the void left by Sergei Federov last Spring. When Sasha (Ovechkin) & Sasha (Semin) were having trouble producing goals earlier this season, Knuble stepped up and brought some offensive oomph! to the Caps. It will be interesting to see if Bruce Boudreau will keep the current top line (Ovechkin-Backstrom-Semin) in tact in light of the veteran’s return. There may also be increased scrutiny on Alexander Semin to convert his flashy moves into actual points lest he be brought down to the dreaded second line, usually populated by Brooks Laich and assorted upstarts from Hershey.

Speaking of the Bears, Mathieu Perrault (6 points in 16 games) will be back tonight after missing a couple of games due to food poisoning. In context of Knuble’s broken pinky finger and Varlamov’s chafed loins, the Capitals officially have the lamest injuries in the NHL right now.

And that’s where we stand. Expect an invigorated and motivated Caps team tonight. Knuble and Perrault’s return could be a shot of energy to a team that can sometimes look sleepy. Plus, the boys now have competition at the top of the NHL: the San Jose Sharks (44 points). And the Caps should be sufficiently rested tonight since they haven’t really played pro hockey since Monday. Zing!

Faceoff is at 7:00 PM. If you want Nachos from Applebees after the first period, try to sync your carryout order for 7:40.