Rachel Cohen’s (@kat326) Valentine.

It’s the dreaded day of days once again. Celebrating either some apocryphal rebel-priest martyr or a bunch of horny werewolves, Valentine’s is when we make cards to let people know we care about them. What could be wrong with that?

“What could be wrong with that?” was what I naively asked myself before you people started sending in your V’s Day cards. While many of you were sweet and genuine (and strangely skilled at MS Paint), there are others among you that I am actually scared of now.

Let’s take a look at what you sent!

Holts doing splits, holding things, provoking the womenfolk. (Valentine by Kelly T.)

Oh good. A venereal disease reference and we’re only two valentines in. Great. (Valentine by Clare C.)

Gnomes > Trolls, sadly. (Valentine by Josh W.)

The Wolski-Bear connection continues + food we can’t pronounce! (Valentine by Mandy K.)

Isn’t Holtby the right guy to take over Mike Piazza’s Pert Plus ads? (Valentines by Mandy C.)

Ya know… it’s your thought bubble. No reason it can’t be BOTH. (Valentine by Gina W.)

An appeal for a polyamorous Valentine’s Day. Touching. Well, not literally touching. (Valentine by Jenny W.)

[Sound of a hundred slash-fic writers banging on their keyboards.] (Valentine by Perri M. @not_a_platypus)

I have issues with the meter, but I enjoy the sentiment. (Valentine by Christie R.)

Same here, kiddo. Same here. (Valentine by Matt M.)

A great card commemorating the best Caps moment of the season so far. (Valentine by Sam M.)

The tide of PuckBuddys allegiance shifts to McRib. (Valentine by some guy named Craig Brownstein.)

A very well done poem and collage for the Holt-beast. (Valentine by Stephanie D.)

Good point: gnome kinda undermines Backy’s new serious image. (Valentine by Alison @ATPinDC)

An obvious appeal to RMNBers. Flattery: it really works. (Valentine by Mary S.)

(Valentine by Annie L.)

(Valentine by @jennrubenstein)

(Valentine by Brooke and Julia)

(Valentine by the @brouwerrangers)

Of course the grand finale is shirtless Ovi. You people are incorrigible. (Valentine by Tina K.)

Great work, everybody! Thanks for all the cards. You’re all so talented– imagine what you could be doing if you weren’t hopelessly devoted to this silly hockey team.

It’s February 14. It’s not just some random day that the Hallmark corporation picked out of hat so they could sell greeting cards. It’s actually the Christian co-opting of a pagan festival all about horny werewolves and blood and copulation and cool stuff like that. Now, instead of lycanthropes and sex, you spend 30 dollars on roses that will wither tomorrow.

If you’re in a relationship, prepare to disappoint your significant other. If you’re not in a relationship, revel in your solitary despair.

(I’m single, by the way.)

Behind the jump is a lovely and full-sized picture by Rachel Cohen, featuring Dmitry Orlov, who scored last night and is handsome enough to probably do the same today. Also a video.

And if that was too nauseatingly sweet and wholesome, here’s the single greatest song written about this demented and sadistic holiday, “Feb 14″ by Drive-by Truckers.

Have a good day, everybody.

RMNB’s own Rachel Cohen created this Valentine for Matt Bradley

In honor of Valentine’s Day and to drown your sorrows after the latest Caps loss, we asked our readers to submit their very own cards addressed to a Capitals player. And oh, boy, did you listen. We’ve included many of your submissions but have narrowed it down to five finalists. From there, you guys will vote to pick the winner, who will receive one of our lovely — no pun intended — t-shirts. Voting will last until Wednesday night at midnight. And FYI, some of these cards may be NSFW. Proceed with caution!

Stephanie C., clearly impressed by Semyon Varlamov’s rapidly expanding acting portfolio, brings out the hand love cursors with this Valentine for Varly.

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Reader John A. plays the role of a disappointed, yet encouraging lover in this personalized ditty for Sasha Minor. Our favorite line: “A Caps winning-streak you could start, but mostly, I wish you’d toe-drag into my heart.” Awwwwww.

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Our dear friends at Knuble’s Knights assure us that they didn’t make this card. They found it outside of the locker room at Verizon Center. Who could this mysterious B.B. character be?

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Twilightxqueen7, brilliantly shows her appreciation for Matt Hendricks’s blind-folded antics in this Valentine’s Day Card. Steve Downie never stood a chance, right? Though we have to deduct some serious points for inappropriate language here, we felt this was definitely worthy of being a finalist. What do you think? Is this the one?

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Jennifer B. actually hand-made this card for noted Holtby fan @WashCapsRock. Stunning.

Now that you’ve seen the Top 5, head on up to the top of the page and vote for your favorite!

The Best of the Rest

Bob M. totally copped-out and didn’t make us an original card. For shame! But what his submission lacked in effort, was made up for with its humor. His email entitled “The Count loves OV” aptly describes this youtube, and it… just… works.

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Lady Bug Ashley created this sweet card for Brooks Laich. Let’s be honest, the puffy paint typeface is impressively appropriate here.

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Brittney M.‘s Valentine pays homage to some of the stronger male bonds on the team. While the Ovechkin/Semin bromance is well-documented, Brit also shows her appreciation for Carlzner, the Swedes, and… Brookseen?

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Some dude named Peter H. thinks bulldogs love Matt Bradley. While that may be true, we think it’s Peter who #needsmorebradley.

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This card was submitted to us by an Anonymous reader. Who is Niel Breengerg and why would he ever want to apologize to Jason Chimera? Hmmmmmm.

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Abram Fox’s Valentine’s Day poem to the entire Capitals organization
In the style of Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnet 43 (“How do I love thee?”)

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love you on Comast and Versus and on ice
Where my cheers can reach, when feeling out of sight
Stuck in the 400 level and thee in open space.
I love thee though masks obscure thy face
Covered in scars, missing several teeth.
I love thee freely, as McPhee looks for a decent
Right wing to complement two stars who need one badly.
Thanks to Facebook and Twitter put to good use
I love thee now that I know that I #needmorebradley.
I love thee with a love I started to lose
With Hanlon’s reign, when you sucked so badly.
I love thee in January when the Penguins you abuse
I shall but love thee better in June when you win Lord Stanley.

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Olga sent this from an .ru email address and swears she spent all day working on card. We’re sorry, but we’ve got to ask: why does Alex Semin look like the Statue of Liberty? Is that symbolism for something?

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Long-time reader Paula also made a Valentine for the Great 28. Someone please put a shirt on him, ASAP.

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Danielle‘s Valentine seems to indicate she really, really loves our blog. ::high five::

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Zachary P. gets a lil’ weird with this card for Nick Backstrom. Zach, there are filters in Photoshop other than just Inner Glow. Like Fresco. Get on that.

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Greg G.‘s Valentine for DJ King focuses on the enforcer’s stunning good looks.

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Tari C., please don’t strike your child. She is really cute. Don’t make us call Child Services on you. (We’re kidding! Great photoshopping!)

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Katie A. submitted this card for Neuvy. Cuz’ he’s a boss.

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Jennifer B. also hand-made this card for the world’s biggest DJ King fan, @mildbestwishes. She should sell these at a craft fair. Wow.

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Danielle‘s Valentine for John Carlson was too adorable not to put up!

And finally we saved our personal favorite for last. Knuble’s Knights decided to create a second Valentine, this time for Neil’s Monte Carlo Machine. We couldn’t stop laughing when we saw this.

Brilliant work, guys! A huge thanks to everyone else who submitted. Make sure to leave a comment below on whose your favorites were!

Additional reporting by Chris Gordon.