Doug Johnson writes for Puck Buddys. And because we have the microfilm in a safety deposit box somewhere, he writes for us as well. Follow @PuckBuddys or we start executing hostages.

The Pregame: Hey now; any you guys see that show on the teevees, “Doomsday Peppers” or something? You know, the one where seemingly pleasant enough, if overwhelmingly white people happily share their crackpot theories of why the world will end any minute now and how they’ll survive by stocking their compounds with bullets and pig dung? Good times.

Meanwhile we in America’s Hockey’s Capital are not so much having da good times of late. I’m thinking closer to the pig dung. Or better – remember those snobby nuclear scientists with their finger-waggling about nuclear Armageddon, bringing us down during the happy heydays of Ronald Reagan and “Family Ties” with their elitist Doomsday Clock? (Kiddies: go look it up while we drink our Metamucil.)

Yeah. Sitting here, looking at Thursday’s game and the remainder of the season, it feels like five minutes to midnight…with the clock ticking. And here’s us, without a stockpile.

Want more feel good snuggles?  Keep reading.

The Puck Drop

The team looks (and increasingly sounds) sullen as they simply have not been able to get their act together in their own zone. That, and we keep re-learning how apparently absolutely essential Nicky 19 was to smart offense, PP success, speed off the dot and, it seems, keeping our Captain in good humor and peak performance. And how much we miss Papa Arnott.

“Oh sure, that sounds like fun!” was how we responded to writing pregamers for our Ruskie overlords. “Heck, laud the Caps and laugh at our opponents – sign us up!” Well, it’s all fun and larfs while the rented magician and margaritas keep flowing, but when things dry up, well you begin to realize how tough times can get.

Who’s Hot, And Why We’re Not

Context is for the weak.

#1: Home again, home again. Jiggity jig, said the fat cow to the little fat pig. Right before they both got slaughtered. (Don’t bother correcting us, this is what we learned on the farm.)

Our five home-game run here was supposed to raise our spirits and our standings, and it’s done neither. In fact, it has arguably sunk them both. Worse than three losses at home in a row (don’t dare call it a streak) is two shutouts – at home – in a row. And against lesser teams! Except that, well, they clearly beat us those nights.

Still, numbers – 21-10-3, just about as good as any other good team – argue there’s still some Phone Booth Magic left. We’ve downed the Bolts before, we can do it again.

Obligatory.

#2: John Carter, White Courtesy Phone. OK straighter than straight men’s men, we see through you. This whole “John Carter” yakka-yakka movie? Totes just a chance for you to go oggle stupidly beautiful men while assuring yourselves you’re really just there for the action. Admit it and get over yourselves.

Speaking of, let’s just admit that Stamkos, St. Louis (of the pee-wee pedigree,) Lecavalier and Bergeron are total he-men on the ice this season. They really are. Yet this does not make us any less of a collection of he-men on the ice. What we’ve seen from Troy-Boy, Ovie, Sasha, Knubs and others recently provides proof. Where we want to see a little more muscle flexing is from Alzner, Carlson, Schultz, HAMRLIK, and a few others.

Guys, we know you got it. Just do it.

#3: Just Win, Boys. Just win. And Sasha, keep up your huggy ways.

The Zamboni

Eagle-eyed PuckBuddy Craig noticed that Thompson Creek Windows and Hadeed Carpets have both apparently pulled their ads from airing locally during the Rush Dimbaugh Program. We can’t imagine why!

While Thompson appears to have made the smart long-term investment in Smokin’ Al, Hadeed is showing a knack for picking today’s “It” boy just as he turns a little stale (we still love you Carly!) Still, both firms are showing remarkable acumen for, well, basically not wanting to pay for the Oxycodone shakes of a foul-mouthed vulgarian by pulling their financial backing from Limbaugh’s show.

Which basically ensures that we will now exclusively use Hadeed for our carpet cleaning, and will call Thompson Creek to replace our windows that don’t need replacing. We encourage Caps Nation to follow suit.

The Fallout: 7pm home game on Comcast. Watch it. Your humble PuckBuddys have to go to some lame neighborhood meeting on development and blahblahblah we’re asleep already. The Caps began this 5-game home stand with a win. We are confident they will end it with one. Stamkos be damned: here come the Caps! Take that to the bank or call my bookie.

By the way: Tampa still smells like butt.

Meme of the Night:

This is probably not a week that you want to remember in great detail, things didn’t go, uh — exactly as planned, but don’t worry, we’ll whip right through this quickly and painlessly and move along, there’s another game tonight, so there’s no time for moping. The Caps went 1-3-0 this week with losses against the Lightning, the Canes, and the Sens. Sad trombone. And just because a TSN commentator chose to utter the words “How could things get worse for the Washington Capitals?”, Alex Ovechkin also suffered a lower-body injury, didn’t participate in multiple team skates, and missed the game in Ottawa. Despite all this, the week did end on a good note when Ovechkin caught the Brooks Laich fever and unexpectedly declared himself ready to go, and then promptly scored against Montreal in a game that the Caps won. It’s a huge relief that it ended well, but I think most of us are just glad this week is over.

Elsewhere in the NHL, lots of other people were having bad weeks too. The day after it was revealed that his “upper-body injury” was probably a concussion, Jonathan Toews crashed his car into a pole, Pavel Datsyuk had knee surgery that will put him out for two to three weeks, Vincent Lecavalier is out indefinitely with an upper-body injury, and the Maple Leafs goalie tandem is testing their franchise’s patience, Jeff Carter, on the other hand, had probably about the best week that he’s had in nine months as he was traded out of Columbus to the LA Kings, which is good news for him because it’s probably exhausting to keep up a sulk for that long.

In case you were wondering the most important question, though — how does everything in the world apply to the Washington Capitals? — we’ll break it down for you after the jump.

Best of the Week

• Caps fans welcomed Rene Bourque back to town with these masks!
• Four fictional hockey teams probably could have beaten the Caps on Monday.
• Good Evgeny Kuznetsov news: he was on the cover of Russia’s PROSports magazine!
• Bad Evgeny Kuznetsov news: he was injured in a KHL game on Friday.
• Caps fan videos are getting pretty somber these days.

While his teammates in front of him were having a bit of a vacation hangover, Tomas Vokoun was brilliant in net during the Capitals’ 4-3 (OT) loss to the Tampa Bay Lightning Tuesday. Vokoun made 27 saves, including stoning Steven Stamkos on a breakaway in regulation. The Czech netminder’s best stop however came in overtime, when — down on the ice and out of position — he stretched out and caught Vincent Lecavalier’s shot from the crease with his glove. Check out the video below the jump.

Unreal. Vincent Lecavalier’s reaction? Priceless.

Doug Johnson of the Puck Buddys is back from break. Follow PB on Twitter.

The Pregame: Tampa. Sh*t, I’m still only in Tampa.

Or them, technically. Meaning us. As in, them, Tuesday night, isn’t us. And us don’t like them.

As dance partners go, Tampa Bay is the nattering, grabby-hands B.O. champion* of NHL cities. The one you get stuck with while your date runs off for a giggle as you try to shake him/her/it loose, but you can’t, because no-one else will even look at them, as they are now adhered to you like dog stain on rug, like flab on hips, like a vote-starved politician (redundant!) to your wallet.

Try as you might, they just won’t go away, and the longer they stay attached to you your social capital sucks dry as you furiously look for some escape but come to realize that, no, you and this thing are now welded together in a grotesque, condemned to dancing together for all eternity, or at least until realignment. Face it, Tampa: you smell.

The Puck Drop

Wideman! (Photo credit: Christian Petersen)

So whoopee, here we go again, like another “presidential” debate, another roundhouse with the smelly Bolts, all of us fresh from the pointless All-Star Game shenanigans. And by all of us we mean, duh, Wides, who gave good help to Team Ook Chiara while the rest of the Capitals bench went to go see The Artist or pickled tomatoes or whatever it is they do during break ::coughXBoxcough::

Twice before, once at home and once down in stink-town, we shimmied out a victory against Tampa, but only in the last post-last moments. Honestly, they were both strange games. Given that a measly nine points separate us in SE division, and given the up-and-downs we’ve both experienced this year, and what with them being what they’uns is, it’s hard to know what to expect. Meaning:

What Makes Them Hot, and Not

Dwayne Roloson

1: Damn You Stam(ko).  Remember when we used to laugh and laugh at the old man antics of Dwayne “When Is Matlock On?” Roloson? Hoho,with a save percent of .882 and GAA of 3.65, we figure he’s mostly sucking down his Metamucil while in net. Sadly, we can’t so glibly dismiss Tampa’s real talents… and at the top of the list is Steve Stamkos.

Only one man can claim top honors where it counts, and Stamkos (32G/20A, plus-1) has it. Far behind, but not far enough, are Martin “Short Man” St. Louis and Vincent “Le Biz Nasty” Lecavalier. Largely nonthreatening so far has been Steve “Dryer Sheet” Downie  (minus-18?!), but of course you can’t build a team on just one or two stars, because lulz who would do that? We’ve got our eye on Matt Gilroy (off an injury and angry) and Tom Pyatt this game.

Vincent Lecavalier

2: Road Non-Warriors: So OK, the Bolts are 4 for their last 5, although only one of those (Boston) really counts by our metric.While we’re rockin’ the home games (18-6-1) but sorta sucky on the road (8-13-2), they’re also kinda getting their freak-on down at the Times Forum (13-7-1.) We’re saddled with injuries we don’t need, and the Bolts are, weirdly, largely band-aid free.

And in news you already know, the Caps have called up Cody “Squeak” Eakin and Joel “You Lookin At Me” Rechlicz from Hershey. At 1G/27A, Mr. ReSchlitz isn’t exactly a power player, except for his fists. Perhaps this is another bit of Coach Hunter’s perspective, but look for a little more aggressive play by the Caps. Which we think factors them as hotter than notter.

The Line

Puck drop at 7:30 (isn’t that like Albanian time?) on that NBC sports-mess. Expect every one of their on-air talent to be swimming madly in the pool for Tampa and whining about Ovi’s no-show at the meaningless All-Star yecch. Because I bet over my head, not with it, we’ve got Caps by 2. Yes, by two. Suck on that, Smell-ville.

Meme of the Night

*Postscript: haha we tried working in “halitosis” here but were checked by our realization that there really is no such thing except in the feverish dreams of avarice of ad-men, and that we already had one smelly reference in the joke, which is exactly enough for Tampa.

Guy Boucher plots to kill 007 (Photo credit: Scott Cunningham/Getty Image)

Craig Brownstein of PuckBuddys writes for Russian Machine. You shall follow them on Twitter.

Banging out preview for Monday night’s game against the Bolts required us to go through some repressed playoff memories. Bear with us for some much needed catharsis; we’re still fragile.

Late last April, we embarked on a grand tour of European capitals just as Game 5 with the filthy Rangers was wrapping up. We were glued to the Blackberry as our readied for take off. Just before wheels up, word came through that the Caps bested the Rags, 3-1. We began our adventure by causing quite the raucous in the first class cabin with fanboy squeals, high-fives, and RED streaks of Russian curses– guaranteeing a date with aviation authorities upon landing across the Atlantic.

We did a blazingly fast tour of Amsterdam and then four days in Paris. We entrusted the care of PuckBuddys with two close friends, Big Dave and Michele, who managed the zoo and posted on the first game of the Tampa series. That loss didn’t much dampen our enthusiasm since we were riding high in Paris, taking in the sights: The Arc, Le Tour Eiffel, Pere Lachaise, and a metric ton of cassoulet. April in Paris, indeed (Hi Ella!).

We got back to DC and back to business– playoff business. The next three games went no better for our Caps. We were so traumatized by the Bolts’ dominating play that even the Bin Laden take-down didn’t cheer us up. The Caps best hope to beat Tampa Bay would’ve required Seal Team 6 on the two top lines. The season ended and like many Caps fans, we were numb.

(Photo credit: no one takes credit for this photo)

But eventually we shook it off. Like the off-season, Saturday’s game with the Canes found us at Nellie’s full of hope.  We may have gotten carried away with the hope-y thing when one of our revelers hoisted a bucket of beer over his head as if it were Lord Stanley’s chalice. “We want the Cup!” he roared.  We left the bar with a bounce in our step and the taste of blood in our mouths: First, we want Tampa.

Steven Stamkos

The Bolts arrive at the Booth after a dominating win over the Canes in their season opener, but they followed that up by getting thrashed by the champion Boston Bruins 4-1. When we look at the Lightning roster we can’t help but feel repulsed by two familiar faces: noted miscreant Steve Downie and repeat offender Victor “The Headhunter” Hedman. Perhaps the only Bolt we like is 21 year-old blond beauty, forward Steven Stamkos. Why do we like Stamkos, you ask? We like him because he likes to pose shirtless a lot. [Note: Pretty soon you’ll stop asking]. We’ll hold our fire on Tampa’s Tom Pyatt, because when we talk Pyatt brothers, we’re all about Taylor Pyatt of the Coyotes. We’ll gush plenty about that doll baby ahead of the Phoenix game on November 21 (if we still have a job here by then).

Twin peaks villain

But it’s a duo of Bolts players we’ve have the most fun with: the diminutive Assistant Captain, Martin St. Louis, and his towering Quebecois teammate, Captain Vincent Lecavalier. We do our best over-the-top, French-Canadian accents (which sound neither French nor Canadian), and shout, “San-lou-EEE” and Le-Cavalee-YAY.”  And we follow that up with a round of throaty and all-too-stereotypical braying, “HAW, HAW, HAW!!!”

It’s all in good fun; we really like the Canadians. Their names sound like Twin Peaks villains. We also have fun with the Bolts bench boss, the very handsome and very scary, Guy “Scarface” Boucher. When we introduced the Bolts coach to our hocke- noob PuckBuddys audience, we issued this reminder on pronunciation: “Bou-CHE rhymes with Dou-CHE.”

Dwayne Roloson

We can’t preview the Bolts without a look at their number-one goalie. And when we say look, we mean a look at the historical record, the Pleistocene record. We aren’t sure exactly how old Dwayne “Actuarial-tables-say-I-won’t-survive-the-season” Roloson actually is. His true age will be determined when the carbon-dating analysis results get back from the lab, hopefully in time for our second match-up on January 13.

Until then, it’s work-work-work and a busy week ahead. We’ve got a Pens preview to draft, a trip with Slapshot to the manicurist for his annual talon sharpening, and a quick run to the jeweler for some emergency repair work. Don’t ask about that chore — suffice it to say that someone got their chain yanked Saturday night and we’ll leave it at that.

The game’s only goal. Whatever. (Photo credit: Alan Diaz)

The Capitals will face the Rangers -- who won 5-2 Saturday -- in the first round of the playoffs. (Photo credit: Jonathan Klein)

The game that impacted the Capitals the most Saturday night didn’t involve Washington at all. In fact, it took place 13 hours away from them in Raleigh, North Carolina.

With the New York Rangers beating the New Jersey Devils 5-2 on Saturday afternoon, the Carolina Hurricanes had to get the victory Saturday night to tie New York at 93 standings points. By virtue of holding the tie-breaker Carolina would pick-up the eighth and final playoff spot, getting themselves a date with the Caps.

Well, they didn’t. Carolina started lifeless and never fully awoke, with the Lightning ending the ‘Canes’ season with a 6-2 victory. Dominic Moore, Vincent Lecavalier, Steven Stamkos and Brett Clark scored for Tampa Bay while Simon Gagne and Martin St Louis added empty net goals for the Lightning. Cory Stillman and Chad LaRose scored in vain for the Hurricanes.

Joe B. Suit of the Night

Meanwhile in South Florida, Capitals and Panthers were equally as snooze-worthy. It took 54 minutes to net the contest’s opening tally when Bill Thomas snuck one past Michal Neuvirth at 13:55 of the third period. That was it. Cats beat Caps, 1-0.

No bullets, but we’ll leave you with one note. This was 11th time Washington has been blanked this season, the second highest total in franchise history.

Washington will open the postseason at home against the New York sometime in the middle of next week. The Caps are just 1-2-1 against the Rangers this season, with N.Y. handing D.C. 7-0 and 6-0 shutouts. Yelp! The NHL will announce the playoff schedule Sunday night.

16 wins to go. See you tomorrow.

For those who jumped on the bandwagon a little late, this is what happened the last time the Caps faced the Rangers in the playoffs. And yes, that is our very own Rachel Cohen holding the sign.

Caps fans are hoping she can jump for joy once more. Man, what a corny way to end the regular season.