Russian Machine Never Breaks: We Suck

We spent a bunch of pixels bragging about all the cool stuff we did in the last year.  That’s cool, ’cause we really are proud.  But we’re totally rank amateurs.  False rumors, worse typing, and bad luck charms; that’s just us.  We’ve surpassed our peers by a long stretch of internet miles when it comes to screwing up.

  • The giant gray thing at the top of the page
    Ian assures that one day we will put a feature widget for good posts there.  I think he might just be waiting for us to write some.
    Russian Machine Never Breaks_1280326894548
  • Spelling names incorrectly
    We’re supposed to be fans of this team, so we should probably start spelling their names right.  I’ll go ahead and take the blame  for this one.  I’ve goofed up Matthieu Perrault, Michael Nuevirth, and both Morrrisssonnns.  I did it in my very first post, and I’ll eventually get around to correcting it.
  • Varlamov will miss the Olympics
    In our defense, Lisa Hillary was trying to trick us.
    After re-injuring his groinular area, Lisa gave a pessimistic prognosis that we might have accidentally blown completely out of proportion.  Real-live PR people and respectable writers had to bail us out.
  • Nick Backstrom to sign a huge contract… in February
    Maybe we were just waaaaay ahead of everyone else.  We found an article on a Swedish site that said Backy was this close to signing a massive deal.  It was a few weeks later before someone bothered explaining fact-checking to us.
  • Neil Greenberg
    Just in general.
  • Peter shaves his beard, dooms the Caps
    Peter loved #beardpact.  It was his baby, and he protected it.  But he couldn’t look like a pirate at his buddy’s wedding, so he shaved.  And the Caps lost three in a row.  JINX!
  • The Washington Capitals… Napoleon Dynamite style
    Sara Bae created these monstrosities, and we…. oh screw it.  This post was awesome, and we are unashamed. Please send us more fan art!
  • The Joe Corvo Bandwagon
    We trust Neil implicitly, and that’s a character flaw we will address soon.  He said that Corvo was the missing link and a hands-down improvement on Pothier.  Suckers we are.
  • Our logo scares children
    Ian’s girlfriend reports that this t-shirt has driven her students to tears.  That’s because it’s freaking terrifying.  Contrast/compare with one of the most twisted films of all time:
    Ovie vs Clockwork Orange
  • Taunting the Hockey Gods
    We had a post actually titled We Got it Made, in which we document all the reasons why the Caps will beat the Canadiens in five games.  Our reasons included secondary scoring and Jose Theodore.  Ugg.
  • In-SEMIN-nation
    Least tasteful t-shirt ever?  Be honest; someone was going to do this sooner or later.  Just be glad it was us.
  • Justin Bieber in the Bears’ locker room
    There’s a fine line between cute human-interest stories and oversharing.  This post demarcates the two.
  • Various crimes against the English language
    Our relationship with the written word is abusive and codependent.  The difference between resign and re-sign (post date: Yesterday) springs to mind.  We’re language recidivists, well beyond any hope of rehabilitation.

After looking at all this, I can’t blame Mike Green for blocking us on Twitter.   We’re a wandering band of fools and idiots, sauntering into town, breaking everything we touch and offending the locals.  At this point, that you’re still reading this post speaks more to your failings than ours.  You really should know better.

If you have any other screw-ups we should know about, use the comments to have your voice heard.  Tomorrow, we’ll list our resolutions for next year.   We promise to do better, people.

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Russian Machine Never Breaks: The Highlights

Top 10 Stories of the Year
10. Semyon Varlamov Finally Rehabs Again With The Hershey Bears (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/02/07/semyon-varlamov-finally-rehabs-again-with-hershey-bears/)
Ian told us of Varly’s kinda triumphant return to pro hockey in early February, and everyone kinda flipped out.  Partially because the Future of the Franchise was finally on the mend and partially because his helmet has a bazillion eagles on it.
9. Could The Kovalchuk Signing Mean The End For Semin In DC? (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/07/19/could-the-kovalchuk-signing-mean-the-end-for-semin-in-dc/)
Just last week, Neil peered into a crystal ball with one eye and Ilya Kovalchuk’s ridiculous contract with the other.  Through the fog he saw the boyish grin of Alex Semin, whose one-year extension looms over the coming season like… well, a fog.
8. Ovechkin, Semin and Varlamov End Year With Devastating Loss In World Championships Gold Medal Game To Czech Republic (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/05/23/ovechkin-semin-and-varlamov-end-year-with-devastating-loss-in-world-championships-gold-medal-game-to-czech-republic/)
The Caps parade of misery finally reached its completion with Team Russia’s disappointing silver finish at world championships.  And we, like rubberneckers, can’t help but stare at the disappointment on the faces of Alex and Alex.
7. Russian Lessons Part I: Learn To Say Ovechkin Correctly (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/02/08/russian-lessons-part-i-learn-to-say-ovechkin-correctly/)
Fedor endeared himself to us with this crash course in Russian.  Now I can’t have a conversation with Ian without him hooting “ah-BOOCH-kin”.
6. Rejoice! Samantha Casey, Miss Virginia USA, is a Big Caps Fan.
(http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/04/18/rejoice-samantha-casey-miss-virginia-usa-is-a-big-caps-fan/)
This was one of our favorite fan profiles and unsurprisingly the most popular.  Apologies to Michael Jenkins and all the people whose bandwidth this page ate up with its two dozen images.
5. Braden Holtby, Superstitions & the Introduction of “Holtbyisms”
(http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/03/30/braden-holtby-superstitions-and-the-introduction-of-holtbyisms/)
Holtby is now Hershey’s number-one netminder, and he’s one wacky dude.  Let’s keep him and his Holtbyisms in the Caps organization for a long time to come.
4. Alex Semin Smokes, Russia Loses Its Dang Mind (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/05/13/alex-semin-smokes-russia-loses-its-dang-mind/)
Fedor and I had a bear of a time getting to the bottom of this one, partially because it’s a non-story.  Alex Semin can skate figure eights around me, so if he wants to have a pack a month, that’s cool by me.
3. Caps vs. Pens: The Fix Is In? (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/04/06/caps-vs-pens-the-fix-is-in/)
Addison did a terrific job revealing that officials put the whistle away for the Penguins when they play the Caps.  It’s math, people.  Deal with it.
2. The Latest Updates From Ilya Kovalchuk’s Facebook News Feed (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/07/21/the-latest-updates-from-ilya-kovalchuks-facebook-news-feed/)
1. Habs Fans Boo National Anthem. How Will Caps Fans Respond? (http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/2010/04/19/habs-fans-boo-national-anthem-how-will-caps-fans-respond/)
Yay!  One that I wrote!  The gist is this: Caps fans rule, and everyone else sucks.

Buckle up, friends; we’re taking a victory lap.

Over the last year (technically more like 9 months), we’ve had some terrific highlights.  Yes, the grim shadow of the playoffs still hangs over the year, but we choose to remember the good times.  Our finest moments are usually our team’s finest moments as well, and so our recollection includes the high points of both the team and our silly blog.

At latest count, our Facebook page has 1,047 likers (including my mom).   The parade of typos we call our Twitter account has 1,493 followers.  The website itself is north of 300,000 hits, which is kind of dumbfounding if you think about it too long.  Our teammates Neil and Fedor have parlayed their skills into gigs with VOA and Washington Examiner respectively.  Even Peter has managed to hustle free pub fries from The Greene Turtle using the blog.

If we had to pick a single highlight for the year, it would have to be Andrew Gordon’s residency during the Calder Cup Finals. When Ian blackmailed convinced Andrew to pitch in, we didn’t know quite what to expect.  Once Andrew turned in his first column, we figured out that his writing chops are just as formidable as his hockey skills.  Andrew provided an unprecedented look not only behind the scenes, but also into the heart, of professional hockey.  We are eternally grateful to Andrew for both his candor and the oodles of traffic he delivered.

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Russian Machine Never Breaks: One Year Later

The Best Caps related picture of me I could find.

Ian Oland: Fearless Leader (Portrait by Anna Schmidt)

On Saturday, July 31st, Russian Machine Never Breaks will be hosting a party at The Front Page in Arlington to celebrate our first year together.  Now that the season is a half-forgotten memory, development camp has ended, and the hockey world produces practically no news throughout August, we thought this the perfect time to reflect back on the year.

The season had already begun when Ian floated past me the idea of starting a Caps blog.  Ian and I recognized one another as Caps fanatics. He, deeply possessed of ninja-like design skills and the marked success of Matt Wieters Facts, and I, renowned for a writing style one can describe only as masturbatory, thought ourselves a good match.

From the start, we had a goal: document the experience of a Washington Capitals fan.  For us, that meant writing about the team with the same passion and fun the team plays with.  We didn’t have any preconception of how people might react, of even if they would react at all.  Given the absolute absence of expectations for the site, we can say now that year one of RMNB has far surpassed our expectations.

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