• The giant gray thing at the top of the page
  Ian assures that one day we will put a feature widget for good posts there.  I think he might just be waiting for us to write some.
  
• Spelling names incorrectly
  We’re supposed to be fans of this team, so we should probably start spelling their names right.  I’ll go ahead and take the blame  for this one.  I’ve goofed up Matthieu Perrault, Michael Nuevirth, and both Morrrisssonnns.  I did it in my very first post, and I’ll eventually get around to correcting it.
• Varlamov will miss the Olympics
  In our defense, Lisa Hillary was trying to trick us. After re-injuring his groinular area, Lisa gave a pessimistic prognosis that we might have accidentally blown completely out of proportion.  Real-live PR people and respectable writers had to bail us out.
• Nick Backstrom to sign a huge contract… in February
  Maybe we were just waaaaay ahead of everyone else.  We found an article on a Swedish site that said Backy was this close to signing a massive deal.  It was a few weeks later before someone bothered explaining fact-checking to us.
• Neil Greenberg
  Just in general.
• Peter shaves his beard, dooms the Caps
  Peter loved #beardpact.  It was his baby, and he protected it.  But he couldn’t look like a pirate at his buddy’s wedding, so he shaved.  And the Caps lost three in a row.  JINX!
• The Washington Capitals… Napoleon Dynamite style
  Sara Bae created these monstrosities, and we…. oh screw it.  This post was awesome, and we are unashamed. Please send us more fan art!
• The Joe Corvo Bandwagon
  We trust Neil implicitly, and that’s a character flaw we will address soon.  He said that Corvo was the missing link and a hands-down improvement on Pothier.  Suckers we are.
• Our logo scares children
  Ian’s girlfriend reports that this t-shirt has driven her students to tears.  That’s because it’s freaking terrifying.  Contrast/compare with one of the most twisted films of all time:
  
• Taunting the Hockey Gods
  We had a post actually titled We Got it Made, in which we document all the reasons why the Caps will beat the Canadiens in five games.  Our reasons included secondary scoring and Jose Theodore.  Ugg.
• In-SEMIN-nation
  Least tasteful t-shirt ever?  Be honest; someone was going to do this sooner or later.  Just be glad it was us.
• Justin Bieber in the Bears’ locker room
  There’s a fine line between cute human-interest stories and oversharing.  This post demarcates the two.
• Various crimes against the English language
  Our relationship with the written word is abusive and codependent.  The difference between resign and re-sign (post date: Yesterday) springs to mind.  We’re language recidivists, well beyond any hope of rehabilitation.

After looking at all this, I can’t blame Mike Green for blocking us on Twitter.   We’re a wandering band of fools and idiots, sauntering into town, breaking everything we touch and offending the locals.  At this point, that you’re still reading this post speaks more to your failings than ours.  You really should know better.

If you have any other screw-ups we should know about, use the comments to have your voice heard.  Tomorrow, we’ll list our resolutions for next year.   We promise to do better, people.

Buckle up, friends; we’re taking a victory lap.

Over the last year (technically more like 9 months), we’ve had some terrific highlights.  Yes, the grim shadow of the playoffs still hangs over the year, but we choose to remember the good times.  Our finest moments are usually our team’s finest moments as well, and so our recollection includes the high points of both the team and our silly blog.

At latest count, our Facebook page has 1,047 likers (including my mom).   The parade of typos we call our Twitter account has 1,493 followers.  The website itself is north of 300,000 hits, which is kind of dumbfounding if you think about it too long.  Our teammates Neil and Fedor have parlayed their skills into gigs with VOA and Washington Examiner respectively.  Even Peter has managed to hustle free pub fries from The Greene Turtle using the blog.

If we had to pick a single highlight for the year, it would have to be Andrew Gordon’s residency during the Calder Cup Finals. When Ian blackmailed convinced Andrew to pitch in, we didn’t know quite what to expect.  Once Andrew turned in his first column, we figured out that his writing chops are just as formidable as his hockey skills.  Andrew provided an unprecedented look not only behind the scenes, but also into the heart, of professional hockey.  We are eternally grateful to Andrew for both his candor and the oodles of traffic he delivered.

We’d also be remiss without mentioning our campaign to get the President to see a Caps game, unfortunately named Barack the Red.  We still hold out hope for victory next season!  Then there’s #beardpact, our tragically abbreviated effort to document the facial hair growth of Caps nation during the playoffs.  Given that Peter had to shave his beard for wedding immediately before the Caps lost three straight games, maybe we shouldn’t have included this one in the list.  Oh well.

Most Read Stories of the Last Year (in disconcerting reverse order)

1. Semyon Varlamov Finally Rehabs Again With The Hershey Bears
   Ian told us of Varly’s kinda triumphant return to pro hockey in early February, and everyone kinda flipped out about it. Partially because the Future of the Franchise was finally on the mend and partially because his helmet has a bazillion eagles on it.
2. Could The Kovalchuk Signing Mean The End For Semin In DC?
   Just last week, Neil peered into a crystal ball with one eye and Ilya Kovalchuk’s ridiculous contract with the other.  Through the fog he saw the boyish grin of Alex Semin, whose one-year extension looms over the coming season like… well, a fog.
3. Ovechkin, Semin and Varlamov End Year With Devastating Loss In World Championships Gold Medal Game To Czech Republic
   The Caps’ parade of misery finally reached its completion with Team Russia’s disappointing silver finish at the world championships.  And we, like rubberneckers, couldn’t help but stare at the sadness on the Alexes’ faces.
4. Russian Lessons Part I: Learn To Say Ovechkin Correctly
   Fedor endeared himself to us with this crash course in Russian.  But now I can’t have a conversation with Ian without him hooting, ah-BOOCH-kin.
5. Rejoice! Samantha Casey, Miss Virginia USA, is a Big Caps Fan.
   This was one of our favorite fan profiles and unsurprisingly the most popular.  Apologies to Michael Jenkins and all the people whose bandwidth this page ate up with its two dozen images.
6. Braden Holtby, Superstitions & the Introduction of “Holtbyisms”
   Holtby is now Hershey’s number-one netminder, and he’s one wacky dude.  Let’s keep him and his Holtbyisms in the Caps organization for a long time to come.
7. Alex Semin Smokes, Russia Loses Its Dang Mind
   Fedor and I had a bear of a time getting to the bottom of this one, probably because it’s a non-story.  At least we steered clear of “Leave Britney Alone!” territory.
8. Caps vs. Pens: The Fix Is In?
   Addison did a terrific job revealing that officials put the whistle away for the Penguins when they play the Caps. It’s math, people.  Deal with it.
9. The Latest Updates From Ilya Kovalchuk’s Facebook News Feed
   From long ago (last week), Neil and his weird, weird mind summoned up the social networking world of Ilya Kovalchuk, who really isn’t that awesome by the way.
10. Habs Fans Boo National Anthem. How Will Caps Fans Respond?
    Yay!  One that I wrote!  The gist is this: Caps fans rule, and everyone else sucks.

Most of those items came from the last few months.  That’s because readers like you keep showing up in droves despite our best attempts to drive you away.  Still, some of you have probably missed some good stuff!  There was the bizarre origin of our fascination on Varly’s malingering groin. And that time Ian met Mike Green, sometime before he started blocking us on Twitter.

My personal favorites always seem to be the games themselves.  Like when Ovie became captain and John Carlson became Captain America,  or when the Caps got smacked down in their last loss for a long while, or the first win of many.  There’s the Snowpocalypse game, the history-making win, Nicky Backstrom’s well-timed hat trick, and one particularly soul-crushing defeat.

Pull Quotes for the Ages

There’s something honorable in [the Flyers'] struggle. Of all the Caps’ rivalries, the Flyers are the only team I WOULD pee on if they were on fire.

Hey, The Pensblog. I was trying to post some funny JPEGs on your site, but it was down during the 3rd period, dude. Next time, right? If you come to Chinatown for a game, we’ll buy you a pint. P.S. – sorry about your team. XoXo.

We’re not documenting a successful season here; we’re documenting the path to a championship. Respecfully, I don’t want to hear any more talk of a Spinal Tap “This one goes to eleven” streak.  This one does not go to eleven. This one goes to June. [sigh]

The Scrapbook

Our first press credential, given to Ian on the night Hershey lost their first home game in forever.

Ian’s press pass from development camp, where we stole office chairs.

Kyle M. insinuates himself into the Bears Calder Cup celebration.  Love the Ripken shirt.

Courtney Moritz’s dog Bailey has a discriminating fashion sense.

Ted Leonsis writes on Ian’s wall.  Ian was unbearable for days after this.  Also note that Ted signs his FB messages.  That’s hilarious.

Validation, Facebook style, from Uncle Ted

…and from Andrew.

Miss Virginia USA wears the RMNB t-shirt.

Mike Knuble picks up the garbage, nabs the Gordie Howe.  Ian creates this image, which still makes me laugh.

Peter and Stevie K partook the new Caps tradition of feasting on victory wings.

Ian Oland: Fearless Leader (Portrait by Anna Schmidt)

On Saturday, July 31st, Russian Machine Never Breaks will be hosting a party at The Front Page in Arlington to celebrate our first year together.  Now that the season is a half-forgotten memory, development camp has ended, and the hockey world produces practically no news throughout August, we thought this the perfect time to reflect back on the year.

The season had already begun when Ian floated past me the idea of starting a Caps blog.  Ian and I recognized one another as Caps fanatics. He, deeply possessed of ninja-like design skills and the marked success of Matt Wieters Facts, and I, renowned for a writing style one can describe only as masturbatory, thought ourselves a good match.

From the start, we had a goal: document the experience of a Washington Capitals fan.  For us, that meant writing about the team with the same passion and fun the team plays with.  We didn’t have any preconception of how people might react, of even if they would react at all.  Given the absolute absence of expectations for the site, we can say now that year one of RMNB has far surpassed our expectations.

Humble beginnings

Actually, It’s not that surprising.  Our ranks have been filled out by some serious talent.  Muscovite wunderkind, Fedor Fedin– all of 16 years old and bursting with Bieber-ian energy– joined RMNB to provide Russian cultural insight.  Since hopping on board, Fedor also joined the Russian news service, Voice of America, as a sports writer.  We’ve also got Neil Greenberg, our resident numbers guy and big-idea man, author of 5ive Hole and slinger of humor so dry it screams for vermouth.  Neil’s recently distinguished himself with a gig as hockey photographer for Washington Examiner.  Then there’s Kyle M., who masterfully covered Hershey’s championship season with his camera, going so far as to share the ice with the team during the Calder Cup celebration.   The most recent addition to the crew is Addison Huber, who authored one of our most popular posts and joined full-time after covering development camp like a seasoned professional.

We’re now a full-fledged blogging posse, constantly encroaching upon the line between our own disreputable bland of sportswriting and something dangerously close to respectable journalism.

This site is our site, and we include you in that statement.  We have something in common, you and us: a devotion to this team that inspires us.  In the heartbreak of the season past and in the promised victories to come, we remain bound to you, the sport, and this silly team we all love so much.

So check back over the next few days as we review the highlights and low points of the year just passed.  We’ll share with you our resolutions for next season, and we’ll even give you a peak at what’s going on at the party this weekend.

‘Cause let’s face it; it’s almost August, and there’s pretty much nothing else going on.