7/4 Update: It’s finally over! Both Parise and Suter have signed with the Wild for $98 million each.

Here’s a commercial featuring the man single-handedly holding Free Agency hostage, Zach Parise. He talks to ice skates, and drives cars over the edge of cliffs, but at least he’s not a coach killer!

S/T to @SternumNews for tweeting the video to us.

Photo illustration by Ian Oland.

Guess what tomorrow is? That’s right! Canada Day!

It also happens to be NHL Free Agency, the wildest and kookiest hockey day of the year. The Capitals aren’t expected to make any world-shaking moves this year, but you never know. The spirit of capitalism can possess even the most level-headed of GMs and make them act like crazy people, so stay tuned here tomorrow while we update you on what’s going down. The Caps have a few holes to fill, a few free agents who will find new homes — and who knows, maybe McPhee will trade Backstrom for Jeff Skinner or something, and we’ll all have to drink ourselves into oblivion.

Anything is possible! But luckily, not everything is likely, so follow us below the jump for your Guide to Free Agency 2012.

How much cap space do the Caps have?

from capgeek.com

The Caps have $20,805,428 to spend this offseason, but they also have a good part of their own roster to re-sign. Expect most of the unrestricted free agents to walk; expect most of the restricted free agents to sign. The Caps have made qualifying offers to Jay Beagle, Mathieu Perreault, Mike Green, and John Carlson, and though Perreault and Green may warrant some thought, they will likely be signed.

Once the Capitals have taken care of their own free agents, expect them to have anywhere from $10-15 M to spend. With that, they could buy this beautiful home in McLean, Virginia! Alternately, they could sign some hockey players.

Who is likely leaving?

Photo credit: Clydeorama

Mike Knuble:  Shut up. We’re not crying, it’s raining on our faces.

Jeff Halpern:  We bear no ill feelings for the former Caps captain as he gets set to leave Washington. Quite the opposite, in fact, Halpern filled the role that he was brought in to fill admirably, and was good-natured about adversity when things weren’t going his way. Jay Beagle seems set to step into his shoes, but we have no issues recommending Halpern’s services to a good home. Four stars, would acquire again.

Dennis Wideman:  Already traded and signed with the Calgary Flames, to a 5-year, $5.25 M/year contract with a no-movement clause. Well okay. You do whatever you feel is good, Calgary.

Where will Semin go?

Photo credit: Greg Flume

Sadly, probably not here. For the first time in his NHL career, Semin will explore the possibility of signing with a team other than the Washington Capitals, maybe even in the KHL. We love him, but that’s why we’re letting him go. We heard that in a country song one time.

What are the Caps’ needs?

Photo credit: Kathy Kmonicek

The Caps have gone a long way towards replacing Semin’s production with the acquisition of Mike Ribeiro, who scores 20 goals like clockwork and will be a capable 2C. However, as far as positional depth goes, we still have big hole on wing that will need to be filled. There aren’t many top-six quality wingers on the free agency market, and the Caps probably won’t be in on any of the big names. Nonetheless, here’s who’s available.

P.A. Parenteau: The 29-year-old winger is a relative unknown, which is a side effect of playing with the New York Islanders. Caps fans should know him, however, as the pain in the neck who seemed to score against us at every opportunity.  We recognize this as the cry for help that it is, and would be happy to rescue him from Long Island Purgatory if the price is right.

Ray Whitney:  Another underrated winger playing some of the best hockey of his life at the age of 40. The Caps haven’t been too kind to their senior citizens in recent years, but maybe new coach Adam Oates can tempt a fellow playmaker into our ranks. Of course, the rumor is that he wants to go back to Carolina where he still owns a home — which leads us to wonder, why does everyone always want to go to Carolina? Do they know something we don’t? Is it the weather, what is it?

Dustin Penner:  Penner hasn’t played up to expectations for awhile now, but this last season with the L.A. Kings was a disaster, with the left winger scoring only seven goals in 65 games, not to mention his unfortunate run-in with a stack of pancakes. Still, L.A. fans weren’t complaining when he scored the OT goal to send the Kings to the Stanley Cup Finals. He can’t hear you, he’s got his two Stanley Cup Rings plugging his ears.

What about defense?

Photo credit: Jim McIsaac

Dmitry Orlov stepped up as a surprisingly NHL-ready defenseman last year, which means we have one less hole to fill, but with with Dennis Wideman’s absence the Caps are in need of one more solid D.

Jason Garrisson: Garrison is coming off a career year with the Panthers, scoring 16 goals and 33 points as a defenseman. He’s recently been credited as a player who “does everything Wideman does and more”, a power play quarterback who can actually defend as well. A defenseman who can defend? Sign us up!

Matt Carle: The Caps would do well to stay away from this one. Wideman’s signing made the market for an offensive defenseman look awfully scary, and there will be many teams who will be interested in the former Flyer’s services. That said, he’s a heck of a player, and we wouldn’t be upset about acquiring him as long as we didn’t have to sell any limbs to do it.

Bryan Allen: A much more reasonable option. Canes’ GM Jim Rutherford made Allen an offer, but Allen wasn’t interested, choosing to go to free agency instead. Allen won’t get the kind of paydays that some of his more offensive counterparts will, a defensive defenseman who logs tons of minutes and regularly kills penalties, who also led the Canes with 188 blocked shots. That sounds fine by us.

Who should the Caps avoid like the plague?

Jaromir Jagr: NOPE.

Martin Brodeur:  Brodeur is a legend, and one of the best who ever played. He can go be a legend somewhere else, we prefer hot-blooded up-and-coming goalies to elder statesmen.

Andrei Kostitsyn: Unless we plan on trading a problem for a problem, avoid like the plague. Kostitsyn is a poor man’s Alex Semin with bonus coaching issues and mob connections. Nope.

Wishful thinking

Zach Parise: Regular 30-goal scorer Parise is a prize in a shallow field, and we estimate he will sign a 20-year deal for 500 gold bricks a year. It’s unlikely that the Caps will make a play for Parise — in fact, the most likely suitors seems to be the Minnesota Wild and the Pittsburgh Penguins, so we should probably be preparing ourselves to hate his guts instead.

Don’t do it, Zach. Make good choices.

Bobby Ryan:  Now this one is a little more likely. Once Parise finds a home, Ryan will be the next biggest prize on the market, and one that the Caps are a little more likely to take a shot at. He’s one of the best deals in the league when it comes to salary versus production, having scored at least 30 goals for the last four season at a cap hit of $5.1 million. We’ve love to see him in a Capitals uniform, but the asking price is still steep. Put in a good word for us, Bruce?

Ryan Suter: What Zach Parise is to the forward market, Suter is to the defenseman market. In the Caps’ case, that means he’s an elaborate distraction meant to draw all eyes and offers so we can quietly slip in and talk to the others. We’ve got little to no chance at landing him. We will probably survive.

Shane Doan:  Doan bleeds Coyotes red and it would be tough to pry him out of Phoenix, but July 1st has rolled around and he is still unsigned. This guy plays like a prototype for a Canadian supersoldier, tough, gritty, productive, and would be a dream in the Caps’ lineup. Has he had enough of the constant ownership issues? Is he looking to go to a contender? Do we ask the same leading questions about Shane Doan every year?

Don’t expect too much of a splash tomorrow. George McPhee has never been inclined to throw money around in free agency, because he’s not stupid because he prefers to build through the draft and through trade instead. But a serious rebuild of the core has been threatening for some time now, and perhaps this is the year that core finally splits up.

At least one of the former Young Guns seems set to leave town tomorrow. Will it be more than one? Will we be shocked and angry, or underwhelmed? Will our favorite players still be in Caps red at the end of the day? We’ll have to wait and see.

Craig is a Puck Buddy. This is his story. @PuckBuddys

Ohai Caps fans! Coinciding with Coach Hunter’s latest round of mind-boggling line changes, we’re changing up things today on the pregamer, too.  No, Doug hasn’t been sent down to Hershey with the other famous Caps redhead, Cody “Swoon” Eakin, but he’s taking a short break from cranking out his inimitable prose, obscure cultural references (he’s still working on Cy Twombly), and his proselytizing on behalf of the radical gay agenda.

Actually, he’s wrapping up the last of his community service obligations that resulted from his conviction in that 2011 World Juniors point-shaving scandal. And truth be told, he was also the one who bought all that liquor for those Russian kids. But luckily for all involved, including international aviation authorities, the team behaved responsibly on that flight home after their big win. In fact, we just heard from a few of our old pals on last year’s Russian team - and even they were appalled by Alec Baldwin’s airline antics last week.

The Puck Drop

The instructions that Doug scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin say this is where I’m supposed to write about hockey things and stuff. We’ll keep this light since we already kicked the crap out of the Devils and their squalid landfill of a state ahead of the November 10 tilt with those hooligans.

Like every other Caps fan, we’re wondering about what team will show up Friday night at Prudential.  We’ve been on this roller coaster for almost the entire season (the weakest 7-0 team in NHL history?) – craptacular play followed by some well executed hockey, then five steps back, followed by another glimmer of hope. The litany of problems was evident as recently last Saturday against the Avs – anemic offense, catatonic PPs, defensive breakdowns and our netminders giving up squishy softy goals.  Those terrifying lows have been followed by dizzying highs: Ovi working his magic, Sasha wristing, Nicky being gorgeous, the PP off of life support, savage play in the neutral zone and a lot of hitting.  Yeah, we like hitting. Many of those elements, on full display during Tuesday’s Preds game, reminds me of why I jumped on the Caps bandwagon in the first place.

Now some hockey. Lending an assist here is our pal Brian, @trot71 on the twitter, the Devils correspondent at PuckBuddys.  Unlike the rest of us over there who never played the game and just like to flip spit, talk trash, and flirt, Brian knows the game and plays on the NYC Gay Hockey Association squads.  Forget Ken Daneyko, Brian is “Mr. Devil, ” devilishly handsome, too! Brian summarizes the first third of the Dev’s regular season:

This first third has provided something of a relief to Devils’ fans – there were fears they would come out of the gate as poorly as they did last season, which may have led to a fire sale of talent and a commitment to rebuilding.  Instead, there have been some young contributors (rookies Adam Larsson and Adam Henrique)  play vital roles on the veteran-dominated team, and increased scoring under first year coach Pete DeBoer.

All I Want for Christmas

Zach Parise (Jeff Zelevansky)

According to Brian, “Top center Travis Zajac‘s return was a little early to call a Christmas present, but it’s everything the Devils could have hoped for.  Travis has come back and looked fairly good, which will present DeBoer some lineup problems going forward, but the good kinds of problems (too many good players for the top 6 forward slots).  If there was one wish every New Jersey fan has, it’s that Zach Parise signs a long term deal with the club in January. If there’s no ink on a contract and the team continues to sit at the tail edge of the playoffs, look for GM Lou Lamoriello to deal Captain Zach to a contender for a king’s ransom of talent.  (But my money’s on Zach staying a Devil).”

The Naughty and Nice List, Festival of Lights Edition

Nice: Jeff Halpern: Haply Hanukkah, everyone! The hometown boy put in a great effort on Tuesday, the first night of the holiday. Hockey’s Hebrew Hammer also put Leonsis ahead of God on opening night against the Canes on October 8, Yom Kippur. We’ll check the schedule to see what day Purim falls on.

Nicer: Alexandr Valeryevich Semin:  ‘I’m not sleeping, I’m sniping!” Leave it to the Great 28 to confound and confuse us with his erratic play. When he’s good, he’s magnificent; when he’s bad, he’s infuriating and when he boards an opponent, he’s the best!  And while we’re at it, can everyone get a jump on their New Year’s resolutions and forever swear off “enigmatic and mercurial.” Both the Associated Press and the Washington Post used those exact words to announce the death of Kim Jong Il. We are NOT making that up. Russian influence on the world stage cannot be underestimated, but look at what lazy hockey writers have done now – they’ve dragged our dear Sasha into a nuclear tipped, geopolitical game of brinksmanship, when he’s got his hands full on just backchecking as it is.

Martin Broudeur

Naughty: Old Man Winter: Martin  Brodeur is just not elite anymore.  He looked shaky for great stretches in last Tuesday’s 4-1 loss against the Rangers.

Nicer: Swedish Meatball: Johan Hedberg is playing much better hockey than Brodeur at this time and should probably be getting the bulk of the starts.

Nicest: Awesome Possum:  The stunning Zach Parise has been leading the Devils offense this month, with 14 points (5G 9A) in the 10 December games.

Nicely Nicely Neuvy: Baby Czech Michal looks to be getting the start on Friday night and one of the smart guys we follow on twitter, but are contractually prohibited of mentioning his name, wondered about when the last time Vokoun has sat for four games. Then there’s the theory that a strong Neuvy makes Vokes better. Those same geniuses may be the ones who keep telling Rick Perry he has a shot at the nomination.

What Makes Them Hot

Ilya Kovalchuk

The Devils top line offers something for everyone, an All-American boy (Parise), the mysterious Russian (Ilya Kovalchuk) and the young buck (rookie Adam Henrique).  And they’re clicking – they’ve combined for 13 goals and 22 assists in December.

What Makes Them Not

Their power play has been beyond substandard.  They aren’t last in efficiency or power play goals scored, but they’ve given up a whopping 10 shorthanded goals, tops in the NHL (four teams are tied for second with five SHGA).  They have a remarkable ability to cough the puck up from the points (currently Kovalchuk and newly-acquired Kurtis Foster), leading the shorthanded chances for the opposition.  If their power play wasn’t so awful, more people might be talking about the Devils insanely good penalty killing, which has only given up 9 power play goals all year (while scoring 7 SHGs themselves).

As Seen On TV: If you need our help telling you where to find the game on TV, you’re a sad Christmas puppy.

Meme of the Day:

Let’s Go Caps and God Bless us, every one! С Рождеством! (Merry xmas)

Update: Nick Kypreos of Rogers Sportsnet reports that Matt Cooke has been suspended by the NHL for the rest of regular season and the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

During Sunday’s Penguins vs. Rangers game, Matt Cooke was up to his old tricks. The 32 year-old former Capital delivered an elbow to the head of a defenseless Ryan McDonagh. The Ranger player went down like a sack of potatoes but fortunately was uninjured. Cooke received a five minute major for elbowing on the play and a game misconduct. As Daniel Tolensky points out, Cooke has played in 881 NHL games yet has only been suspended a total of ten matches in his career. The League obviously deserves some of the blame for allowing Cooke’s dirty play to continue without significant consequences for his actions.

A month ago, Pens owner Mario Lemieux criticized the NHL for being too soft on the Islanders’ players that participated in the mega-brawl between New York and Pittsburgh. Just a week ago, Sidney Crosby said the NHL needed to fight deliberate head-shots. But now their own player, Matt Cooke, is once again under Colin Campbell’s review. Below, we’ve chronicled Cookie’s dirty deeds throughout the years.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: Four-game suspension
Penalties called on the ice: Five minute major for charging, five minute major for fighting

Two days after getting national attention for his dirty knee-on-knee collision with Alex Ovechkin, Cooke boarded Fedor Tyutin head-first. Cooke received a five minute major for charging and a five minute major for fighting after being engaged by Derick Brassard.

From the Columbus Dispatch after the game:

“It was the worst hit I’ve ever had from behind,” said Tyutin, who had an ice pack on his shoulder. “I wasn’t surprised, not when you see (Cooke) in the highlights all the time for dirty hits.”

Penguins coach Dan Bylsma said that Tyutin looked Cooke “right in the eyes” and knew the hit was coming.

Sure, Dan.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: Two-minute minor for tripping

With 3:45 left in the third period of a 2-0 game, Matt Cooke hit Alex Ovechkin hard knee-on-knee. Cooke was accessed a minor penalty on the play and angrily confronted by Ovi. Luckily for the Capitals, the Russian Machine never breaks and he didn’t miss a game due to injury.

The Washington Post had reaction from both locker-rooms after the game:

Ovechkin played another shift before the contest expired and appeared fine afterward, but Coach Bruce Boudreau didn’t mince words when asked about the hit in his post-game press conference.

“It was Matt Cooke. Need we say more? It’s not like it’s his first rodeo,” Boudreau said. “He’s done it to everybody and then he goes to the ref and says: ‘What did I do?’ He knows damn well what he did. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s good at it and he knows how to do it. He knows how to pick this stuff. We as a league, we still buy into this [idea] that, ‘Oh it was an accidental thing.’”

…

Both Cooke and Coach Dan Bylsma downplayed the contact.

“I just tracked the puck and he tried to cut back on me,” Cooke said. “We clipped skates.”

Said Bylsma: “I didn’t think much contact was made. Maybe their skates get wound up together. But, you know, Ovechkin was out on the ensuing power play.”

Someone seems like an enabler here.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: Two minutes for roughing, 10 minute misconduct

In this incident, Cooke does a few gutless things. First, he cross-checks Jordan Leopold from behind after Leopold takes down one of his teammates. Next, after Steve Montador engages him, Cooke lands an overhand right punch to an unsuspecting Montador after the linesmen separate the two.

Classy.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: None

As both players go for a puck along the boards, Cooke raises his elbow and strikes an unaware Kane in the jaw. No penalty would be called on the play, however later in the period, Cooke would be whistled for kneeing. Go figure.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: Two-minute minor for roughing

As both Phoenix defenseman Keith Yandle and Cooke go for a puck in the corner, Cooke delivers an elbow to the back of Yandle’s head. It certainly appears that the Phoenix defenseman was woozy afterwards. The announcer describes Cooke as “[getting] the arms up a little bit.” A little bit?

NESN had reaction in Phoenix’s locker-room after the game:

“It’s just a dirty hit,” Yandle said after the 6-1 Penguins win, according to the McKeesport Daily News. “Dirty player. He’s got no respect. … His only intent was to hurt me with his hands high like that, and I hope [league officials] review it.”

What had the Coyotes fired up — aside from getting demolished on the scoreboard — was that Cooke wouldn’t answer the bell after laying the questionable hit.

“The fact that Matt Cooke comes at Keith Yandle in a 5-0 game and elbows him in the head, obviously we took it as a personal challenge,” captain Shane Doan told the newspaper.

“They’re up 5-0, and he cowers away from all our guys,” Yandle said. “I mean, every guy on our team tried to fight him.”

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette quoted Bylsma as saying:

“We encourage our players not to finish checks on the penalty-kill, so from that standpoint we didn’t like putting ourselves in that situation,” Bylsma said Tuesday after the Penguins practiced at Consol Energy Center.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: Two-minute minor for boarding

After Max Talbot cleanly checks Erik Karlsson into the boards, Cooke follows-up a half second later with a hit of his own. Cooke drives Karlsson’s head into the boards and knocks him out. Cooke would recieve a two-minute minor penalty for boarding.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: Cooke was given three separate minor penalties for goalie interference.

I won’t offer a description on the series of events above because there are no words satisfactory enough for how idiotic Cooke is being.

These hits however, would spark bad blood between the two teams and ignite two separate brawls a year later. The first brawl was on February 2, 2011 and it started after DePietro clotheslined Cooke. Brent Johnson would come to his teammate’s aid and knock DePietro out, injuring him for six weeks. The Islanders then sought immediate retribution during the teams’ rematch nine days later. In the end, 346 penalty minutes were doled out, and several players were later suspended by the league including Eric Godard (ten games), Trevor Gillies (nine games), and Matt Martin (four games). In addition to the suspensions, NHL disciplinarians fined the Islanders $100,000 for “their failure to control their players.”

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: None

This is the play that would change the NHL rulebooks forever. As Marc Savard entered the offensive zone, he took a shot on net and then was greeted by a blindside elbow from Cooke. Savard was left motionless and unconscious on the ice. The Bruins best offensive weapon then missed the rest of the season with a concussion, and has not been the same player since.

Bruins blog captured Claude Julien’s reaction after the game:

“A guy like that has to be suspended,” the Bruins coach said. “That’s the way I see it, because it’s an elbow to the head from the blind side. That’s exactly the examples they show of what we’ve got to get out of this game. We have a guy who’s got a concussion. Our best player. He’s going to be out for a while. He was [unconscious] on the ice for a bit. That’s unacceptable.”

Not suspending Cooke was, in my opinion, a disgrace to the league and the biggest mistake of Colin Campbell’s career. Those e-mails about Savard made the whole thing even harder to swallow, too.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: None

As Andrei Markov looks to cycle the puck behind the net, Cooke delivers a cross-check to Markov’s left side, leaving him writhing in pain on the ice. There was no penalty called on the play.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: Two-game suspension
Penalties called on the ice: Two-minute minor for interference.

This hit, which seems like a carbon-copy of the one he laid Marc Savard out on, resulted in Cooke being suspended for two games.

Larry Brooks of the New York Post wrote this about the hit:

Cooke was somehow accessed only a two-minute minor for interference on the play by the officiating tandem of David Banfield and Stephen Walkom, the latter of whom served as the NHL VP of Officiating the past several seasons before returning to the ice this season.

Donald Brashear sought retribution upon Cooke’s release from the penalty box, but was prevented from doing so by an over-eager linesman. As a result, Brashear was issued a double minor for roughing while Cooke escaped unscathed. The Penguins then scored on both ends of the power play.

Of course they did.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: None

Just a hockey play, right?

Pensburgh had this to say about the incident:

One of the questions Coach Babcock was asked in yesterday’s presser was whether or not he saw Matt Cooke “kick” Chris Osgood. He admitted he wasn’t sure, but also made a face as if to say, “Oh. Matt Cooke. Right, that guy.” With Cooke you never really can tell.

Well, if that’s not blatant homerism, I don’t know what is.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: None

In Game One of the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals, the Hurricanes lost Erik Cole midway through the third period. Why? Well, Matt Cooke caught him knee-on-knee in front of the Pittsburgh net. Cole managed to play only one shift after the hit.

Canes Now had the reaction from both locker-rooms:

Asked if he thought it was a knee-on-knee hit, with the implication that it was an illegal one, a curt [Carolina coach Paul] Maurice said, “Yes, I did. I felt that was, yeah.”

Cole officially has a “lower body” injury, but he clearly hurt his left knee in the collision. Cooke said the contact was accidental.

“He was cutting across the middle,” Cooke said. “I turned sideways to hit him, and he turned the other way. I almost fell over, too.”

Totally.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: Two-minute minor for tripping

After absorbing this knee-on-knee hit from Matt Cooke, Zach Bogosian left the game in the 2nd period and did not return. A Pens fan says in the comments on YouTube that this was a clean hit. His assessment is incorrect.

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: Two-minute minor for roughing

In the above video, Cooke drives Zach Parise into the Devils bench several seconds after Parise dumps the puck into the offensive zone. Yes, he chose to still hit him even though the bench door was open. Hey, at least the Penguins announcers dubbed it the “Subway Sandwich of the Game.”

NHL Supplemental Discipline: None
Penalties called on the ice: None

Here Cooke drives a defenseless Mathieu Roy head-first into the boards after chasing the puck in the corner. The game featured 14 fighting majors, eight misconduct penalties and 193 penalty minutes. Oilers Coach Craig MacTavish had this to say afterwards:

“I didn’t see anything dirty in the game,” said Oilers coach Craig MacTavish, who only took exception to an uncalled hit from behind by Matt Cooke on defenseman Mathieu Roy. “There was no back stabbing, there were eyeball to eyeball altercations and fights, and that’s part of hockey.”

“There are times,” Cole says, “when I think he just doesn’t care if a guy is in a vulnerable position.”

“Matt Cooke has found his niche and [plays] his role very effectively,” says Mike Keane, who played 16 NHL seasons, including one as Cooke’s teammate on the Canucks in 2003-04. “He goes out and hits Ovechkin, hits guys from behind. If he hurts Ovechkin, who cares? The Washington Capitals won’t win the Stanley Cup. He did his job. For Matt Cooke, that’s perfect.”

And that’s the point of our post.

The NHL has to protect their assets on the ice. All they’ve done is constantly enable Cooke’s dangerous behavior over the years. They are the ones responsible for the monster he’s become. At some point you have to hand him a lengthy suspension, otherwise the message won’t get through. And — so far — the league is unwilling to do that.

Until then, let’s all get enraged by how few games Campbell suspends Cooke for his latest hit. And we’ll gladly eat our words if the NHL gets it right.

Additional reporting by Chris Gordon and Fedor Fedin.

Another week has passed and amazingly people still have questions for us. Judging by our readers’ letters, it seems like most of you have lost hope that this year is the year. Don’t worry, we deleted those emails and focused all our attention on questions regarding groins.

Like always, if you’ve got a question, a comment, or need ideas on how to get out of jury duty, feel free to shoot us a message and we’ll answer you back next Friday!

Now follow us past the jump, where our grandiose hero Neil weights in on the topics of officiating and trades.

Missy V. seems a bit preoccupied with our Twitter bio:

I noticed on Twitter that it says you have been “blocked by Mike Green”. What is the story behind that?

I know the RMNB lawyer does not want us talking about it, but since you are a new reader I am going to hope she isn’t reading and tell you the whole story.

Wait, we have no idea why.

# # #

Janet W. wants to understand NHL officiating better (don’t we all):

How do Linesmen decide when to wave off an icing call?

I don’t see them carrying around their own Monte Carlo Machine (which can be seen at Verizon Center on Saturday where I will be in attendance) to do simulated coin flips so they probably follow NHL Rule 81.5, which states:

The Linesman shall have discretion to wave off apparent icing infractions on attempted passes if those passes are deemed receivable (attainable). In order for the Linesman to wash out the icing for this reason, the receiving player’s stick must be on the attacking side of the center red line and he must be eligible to receive the pass (e.g., he cannot be in an off-side position and cannot be involved in a player change that would result in a too many men on the ice penalty if he were to play the puck).

# # #

Jon J. inquires if the time is right to trade one of the Caps young goalies:

I just thought I’d bring up some trade discussion. I was wondering if a deal involving the New Jersey Devils for a center would be worth it. Most noticeably, for either Travis Zajac or Zach Parise. The Devils are going to have salary cap problems when Parise returns from injury, and I was thinking that given Marty’s decline, a package involving Neuvirth would be attractive.

It’s an interesting proposal. I am sure you are not the only fan that wants a bona-fide second line center and would be open to trading one of the young goaltenders to get one. I am not one of them. It’s not because I don’t think Parise or Zajac would be good additions, it is because the cost of losing one of the three goalies is too much.

The Hockey News ran a quick blurb in their print magazine last month that since goaltending was “so important”, it was strange the teams that spend the most on their ‘keepers make up the majority of basement dwellers in the NHL. They’re looking at it wrong; those teams are in the cellar because they spent so much on goaltending. Here’s why:

The real measure of goaltending talent is save percentage, so if we look at the Top 15 goalies in the NHL we see they have a Sv% of .925. If we look at the next 30, they have a Sv% of .906. So, roughly a ten goal difference over the course of a season. Is that worth spending an extra couple million for per year? Of course not. If the Caps traded one of the young ‘tenders they would have to replace him with a veteran who might cost that much, and it’s not worth it. And no, I don’t feel Holtby is ready for the NHL. Yet.

# # #

Nicole asks what has been on all our minds ever since the #brittlegroin epidemic first reared it’s ugly head:

“Does a groin injury mean no sex?”

Not if you follow some of these simple, safety tips from WebMD:

1. Use a step stool when reaching for high objects.
2. Do not stand on chairs or other objects.
3. Wear jockey shorts, not boxers.

Introduction by Ian Oland; editing by Chris Gordon.